My mam wants to come to my dads funeral but she wouldn't be welcome

[fancyabru]

I'm looking for advice and what people think is the right thing to do in this situation. My dad passed away a couple of days ago, I'm absolutely heart broken. The funeral isn't arranged yet but I messaged my mam asking if she would be able to baby sit my two year old when we find out the funeral date. She replied saying her and her husband (my stepdad) wanted to go to the funeral.

The thing is, my dad wouldn't have wanted her to be there, he despised her and she caused him so much pain from their marriage I'm sure she had some pain too however she really doesn't care about it and she's cold.

I feel really angry about her coming, I don't want to hear about her "good old times" when my dad has spent his whole life in pain from his memories with her. Im 25 they spilt when I was 4 years old, and she hasn't had any friendship/relationship with him since then.

My sister text her to say he was on palliative end of life care and she replied "oh dang" followed by a load of medical waffle. Just so cold.

I really want to tell her that he wouldn't have wanted her there but then is it my place to stop anyone attending a funeral?

My dad has been a huge part of my daily life and I miss him so much, I have nobody to have my two year old if she comes and I emotionally will not be able to mother my toddler on his funeral. My boyfriends family will all be there because they had friendship with my dad and in all honesty I want them there as they are much more welcome than my mother.

Thank you all for the responses. It's back to being painful and tears again anyway. So the "ok" period was short lived. I really don't know how people get through losing someone that meant the whole world. I can't stop missing him or wondering what was going on underneath the surface when he was unconsciously dying. I wish I could bring him back. I don't feel strong enough to go through this pain. I need my dad💔

Sorry I thought I was in another forum I made. I'm still undecided on what to say to my mam, I might just ignore her all together as my dad would probably say just leave it and ignore her she ain't worth the chew. But at the same time I'm angry that she isn't coming to the respect on her own accord

so sorry you’ve lost your dad. Exactly the same thing happened to me, just before he died my dad did say “I don’t want her there, she still gives me nightmares” .
When my dad did go, I was in such a state I actually asked my dh to tell my mum. He did it very nicely and just said it would be inappropriate, could she please not attend. She didn’t thank goodness.

Would it not be acceptable for her just to attend the service but low key, at the back of the church? They must have been close once and she was part of his life. I don't mean to disagree with you. Could it be that your mom wants to support you and your sister?

I see this is some time ago. I wanted to add my thoughts. Your parents shared something. You were the product. You go. You deal with what you have to deal with. Let the day happen. With love and dignity. It's one day. The final day. Part of a passage and journey.

You saw this thread from a year ago, decided to add your thoughts and thought, despite what the OP has said about what her father felt, those were the appropriate ones did you? Why?

What's it to you
You don't know me
Or my reasoning
You don't know my perspective
Or my life experience

ZOMBIE !

And I back up the important part that she is a product of her parents... So maybe there is an alternative suggestion other than
Her parents were important enough at the point of conception

I’d imagine the funerals been held already this a year old and it’s poor form to resurrect a zombie bereavement thread so close to the year anniversary.

Is it
Or is it not a link to share opinion
Why are you so bristly
The post was not shut
It was general. Not specific. Other than it was a post from a person wanting support
I am unintentionally disrespecting if that is the case. That was not my intention. I wanted help myself. However I added my comment. Not with the intention to distress. I understood the moment had passed. And was offering an alternative, as a thought provoking issue

Wtf is a zombie
If you don't want interaction or discussion on this topic close the thread
I would be happy to open another on this issue
However some people don't like alternative views. Some stay rigid in order to stay safe or... Whatever
A zombie. Hmm. Kind of disrespectful if you consider the topic. Maybe. Who knows. Pah

@ThatWittyNewt On MN you can't close a thread. It is considered bad etiquette to randomly resurrect a thread that is old and has gone quiet (or dead, hence zombie) unless you are the OP. Especially for random thoughts.

Thank you for that
Helpful 😁
No disrespect intended

My comments stand but not as disrespect
Possibly I could open discussions on new thread with my perspective etc
Thank you 🤗