Direct cremation experiences

[Littlepaleale]

Anyone out there had experience of direct cremations please… looking for a hand to hold, some words of wisdom and practical suggestions.

We lost our DF two weeks ago, after a year of fighting cancer and a sudden deterioration that surprised us all. He had planned and paid for a direct funeral, where his body is taken straight from the hospital to a funeral home to be cremated without attendants.

DM is very comfortable with the plan, having discussed it at length with DF. He was a very private person and did not like the idea of people eulogising and a big fuss. DM is also shies away from being the centre of attention so is relieved to not have to go through a funeral.

My siblings and I are struggling with this plan (and are all wishing we’d discussed as a family before he went). One of us has a strong Roman Catholic faith and the other two of us feel like a funeral would help us say goodbye as part of the grieving process. We are 100% clear that there is no question of unpicking the plans and going against dad’s wishes.

We will know the day and time of the cremation and can mark the moment. We are planning to be together at that time and play music, read passages that were meaningful to DF.

So, anyone out there with experience of saying goodbye to a loved one with a direct cremation? How did you feel about it and what did you do to manage it for the best?

Since you mentioned one relative having a Catholic faith, you could arrange to have a mass dedicated to your DF and use that as an opportunity to gather and celebrate him, with perhaps a meal afterwards.

The priest might be able to personalise it in some way, perhaps by family members reading, or him saying a few words.

I'm sorry this happened, that's really crass. Both my parents had funerals, arranged through Co op funeral care, a s I didn't receive any emails at all from them 🤷‍♀️

I have pre paid for a direct cremation as I don’t want my children to have to bother with organising my funeral. I have included a letter with my will stating that I gift them a sum of money to spend on a family party at a later date. My solicitor helped me write the letter and co-signed it. He suggested reviewing the letter every few years and updating the amount of money to reflect price increases.

We did this for a family member, and had a family and friends get together at a local restaurant at a later date. We hired a celebrant to mark the occasion, but it was probably more relaxed than a formal funeral overall.

I want to have a direct cremation now as well. I don't want my family to waste lots of money on a big full on funeral.

Your catholic sibling could ask their priest to say a requiem mass for him and you could attend that. Your mum doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. It could literally just be a few people, without any trimmings. It might help you.

It's such a great idea, I am definitely doing it . I find funerals awful , not just for the obvious reasons .
Here in Ireland I feel they have become like a circus - slide shows etc. It's just not for me .
I also don't want my family to be put to trouble .
They can go and have a meal and drink some champagne .
I'm atheist though so maybe that has some bearing ?
5 k !!! I'll be enjoying that BEFORE I go 😂.

Like everything , we feel bound by tradition . We DON'T all have to do the same thing.

My MiL has just been cremated, we have planned a small family get together in a few weeks.

Direct cremation and any memorial plans aren’t really linked. The body will be cremated. You can hold whatever memorial service you choose. You can wait until you have the remains or not. That is up to personal preference.

with my mother, we held a memorial party that went along with her wishes. Her ashes were not present.

my father buried her ashes in a private place later.

We had a direct cremation that was organised by our local funeral directors, along with the crematorium. We didn't know the day or time, but that was fine. We could choose clothes but decided not to as my grandmother lost so much weight that they wouldn't fit anyway. We had a choice of colour of gown. That was it. The coffin was selected by the funeral directors I was assured that it was a recycled cardboard coffin, which would've pleased my grandmother!

My grandfather had one during COVID, around the end of 2020, partly because we couldn't have had everyone there that wanted to be there and partly because my DGF was never that bothered about funerals, but had very explicit wishes about a wake/send off being funded by him with a free bar for his friends. We did that in summer 2021 when restrictions had eased up, my brother who had emigrated could travel back more easily and everyone could attend. It did feel strange not having a proper funeral but we all remembered him in our own way on the day and and while I'm sure most people don't wait 8 months for a wake, it was actually really nice to all get together and remember him when it didn't feel so raw and we could smile/laugh at the memories we shared

I am so at one with your mum here financially and numbers wise.

The answer is to talk to them beforehand and ask for their views. That's what I've done. You're right it can be selfish- some family members will need/want that final viewing and ceremony so it does need to be spoken about.

My dad who passed last year chose this. I'll be honest, I hated it. Mum and I drove to the crematorium on the day (direct cremations are usually done first thing). We just wanted to see him arrive. We'd sent flowers and chose music. The funeral director beckoned us over and let us sit in the front pew as the music played and the curtains closed.

A couple of months ago I went to the funeral of my second cousin. He was so like my dad. I broke down afterwards and his daughter said it must have been hard because almost everything said about my cousin applied to my dad, but we never got the chance to say or hear the words.

My mum has chosen the same for herself but I have different feelings for her so won't be so troubled.

We also intended to have a memorial gathering at some point later but for whatever reason it has never happened.

My birthday was just after Dad's passing and some lovely friends bought me a beautiful and utterly poignant bracelet. I wear it when I'm going places Dad would have enjoyed. It's like I take him with me

My dad was a very private person, as is my mum. We did the whole funeral thing though we managed to keep most people away from the house. We had a big church service for my dad’s funeral and then private cremation for immediate family a few weeks later when we could get a slot. It nearly broke my mother. It was horrendous for her to have to sit through those services and have to talk to people she had no interest in talking to - my dad’s former colleagues, neighbours she barely knew, second cousins she’d never met, etc. etc. A direct cremation would have been far kinder to her, and to my dad who would have hated the hoopla (and would definitely have complained vigorously about the price of the wreath!). I definitely want a direct cremation to spare my loved ones the drama of the funeral, and they can scatter my ashes and have a few drinks in my memory. That sounds perfect to me.

We did this for Dad recently. Used a local funeral director and they told us the date but not the time (which we were glad about). Still thinking about what to do as a memorial, and it did feel a little odd not having a formal service but that’s probably just because it’s the first one we had experienced.

I think for us it was the best decision (& what he wanted) but we are a tiny family with no religious beliefs, so a funeral wouldn’t really have been any kind of comfort.

I arranged a direct cremation after DF died with a ceremony and a wake a few weeks later when we interred his ashes with his parents at their local church graveyard. The internment ceremony was lovely and much better than having to organise for people to come in a hurry to an ugly crematorium which meant nothing to him.

Having said that, I organised a direct cremation and thought I was ok with it but a couple of days beforehand I felt a bit weird and sad and ended up going, just DH and I. The funeral director was lovely. The three of us just sat there with the coffin listening to his favourite music. Then I read a poem and said goodbye. It was very simple but I’m glad I did it.

We arranged a direct cremation for a dearly loved close family member for all the reasons mentioned. The whole family was behind the idea and we were told the time and place, so we could go along and stroll round the pretty grounds at the exact time of the cremation. We sat quietly on a bench and witnessed the smoke going up into the clouds. It was immensely comforting to have shared this private moment without a load of fanfare which we couldn't have endured.

I can't recommend this particular company highly enough - the were compassionate and caring and it went more smoothly than we could possibly have hoped for.

Celebration of Life | Affordable Direct Cremation Funerals (col.co.uk)

My half brother arranged this for my Mother (Dad is elderly & didn’t object). She was transferred to a 'central hub'. As I hadn't booked it the Co 'couldn't tell me due to GDPR' (within a 3 day window!) when her cremation was actually held. Her remains were RM posted back 2 weeks later (& then got stuck in the postal strike!). Just Awful.

I think this can work well, & I fully appreciate people wanting an inexpensive/low fuss option but I think the big national firms doing this now dont offer any dignity to the deceased & it makes the grieving process harder.

OP I hope your experience goes as well as can be hoped for in the circumstances (I appreciate mine was a bit unusual)

We had one for dh, no viewings etc & it was a local crem.

We did a wake a few weeks later. I didn’t use the co-op, they charged too much.

I wanted that. Until my dbro died suddenly last year and that was what his wife wanted. Her choice of course.
But it made me realise that funerals are for those left behind. So I have changed mine.

To anyone considering a direct cremation please reconsider, you can choose a family only no fuss cremation with a local funeral business for roughly the same costs with your wishes sorted in advance if you don't want as I've been reading to bother your loved ones. 10/6 disposal day is the only way to describe how awful it was for me a daughter who adored and loved her mum, the grief hits hard 3 year's today I'm still lost in grief no celebrations no family get together just emptiness..So please remember the people left behind xx take care.

I did it for both my DM and my DF and was fine. I picked up the ashes and then had them interred.

Everyone is different and we all grieve in different ways, so while it is right for some others may struggle with it. I always had nightmares thinking about my parents funerals so for me (only child) this was a good way to deal with their deaths.

People can still have a memorial get together.

Different things are right for different people.

I have no regrets that we chose a direct cremation for my father. I remember him in other ways.

We did this with my Dad. It was what he wanted. The whole family have now opted for direct cremation. I don't any of us could have mentally coped with a traditional funeral.