Direct cremation experiences

[Littlepaleale]

Anyone out there had experience of direct cremations please… looking for a hand to hold, some words of wisdom and practical suggestions.

We lost our DF two weeks ago, after a year of fighting cancer and a sudden deterioration that surprised us all. He had planned and paid for a direct funeral, where his body is taken straight from the hospital to a funeral home to be cremated without attendants.

DM is very comfortable with the plan, having discussed it at length with DF. He was a very private person and did not like the idea of people eulogising and a big fuss. DM is also shies away from being the centre of attention so is relieved to not have to go through a funeral.

My siblings and I are struggling with this plan (and are all wishing we’d discussed as a family before he went). One of us has a strong Roman Catholic faith and the other two of us feel like a funeral would help us say goodbye as part of the grieving process. We are 100% clear that there is no question of unpicking the plans and going against dad’s wishes.

We will know the day and time of the cremation and can mark the moment. We are planning to be together at that time and play music, read passages that were meaningful to DF.

So, anyone out there with experience of saying goodbye to a loved one with a direct cremation? How did you feel about it and what did you do to manage it for the best?

We did it for dad as he didn't want a funeral. The cremation was super easy to deal with and arrange the company was lovely.
We then booked a room for a life celebration at the register office. My sister wrote a brief eulogy, we picked a sing for listening and reflection and we chose a poem for us kids to each read.
The we went to the pub for a meal and to toast dad's life. There were about 15 in attendance, all immediate family plus dads closest friend.
It was perfect and I feel it fulfilled his "no fuss, not religious, just raise a glass for me" request whilst giving us chance to remember and say goodbye. The children appreciated the sadness and goodbye but then the more relaxed family gathering of a meal rather than a wake. I think it eirked beautifully.

*worked beautifully

I want a direct cremation & have also said there is to be no kind of gathering, memorial etc - absolutely zilch. I am very lucky that I don't have a family to argue about it, and my husband and best friend know that I am stubborn & contrary 😂 But if that wasn't specified in this particular case, then I guess family members can do whatever they like. The person who is Roman Catholic can surely just go to church and say a prayer at a time of their choosing.

We had a private cremation for my Dad. He'd just died of cancer, and was an incredibly private man. He would have hated fuss in any way, and his siblings were causing difficulties about where his ashes were going to go so when the undertaker suggested it, we decided to do it this way.

We went through a local undertaker who collected his body from the nursing home where he'd died, and they arranged a private cremation at the local crem. My sister wanted to know when it was happening; personally I regret knowing as I found it very hard that day. Think the cost was around £1500 and that included having his ashes in a nice wooden box with a brass plaque.

We later buried his ashes in the village where i live and had a short service with the Vicar - that felt very personal and a goodbye.

I’ve experienced a fair few lately, seems to be really popular. All of them have had a later gathering though, hire of a room at a local club where drinks/finger food was provided and at a point people were given the opportunity if they wanted to say a few words. Some of them then went on to have scattering in a situation with meaning with only core direct family members, or internment of ashes in a memory wall or whatnot.

We had one for MIL at her request. DH is an only child, also she outlived her siblings and friends.

They tell you the day/date the deceased is cremated , we found communication to be excellent.

Her remains were brought back to us approximately two weeks later and were delivered by courier - in a tube and the tube in a large navy gift bag .
We scattered her last week at her favourite place .
My DH has requested the same for himself .

Why? Why can't someone choose how to go out? What if I want a direct cremation and a party at the time they scatter my ashes? So that people remember me fondly instead of the last they see of me is my coffin being shut behind some curtains?

It is true funerals are for the living, but what a waste of 5k. I'd rather my kids spent that on themselves or celebrating my life.

Sorry @Littlepaleale didn't mean to hijack the thread.

@Toooldtoworry
That's my point 'I, me, I'd rather' it's not about what you want. You're dead you don't have a consciousness any more to know what's going on. Let people mourn how they want to. They can decide to direct cremate you if they want or spend 5k on a big do. That's their choice.

We did this for my grandmother. It was during covid so couldn't have a proper funeral anyway!

We just had a memorial service when all restrictions were lifted and it was so much nicer than a funeral service.

So the wishes of the living trump those of the dead? Not in my book. I'm having direct cremation. A funeral is an absolute waste of money to me.

I expect we have a very different view of death.

Agree.

Thanks all for sharing your experiences. For some reason, it’s comforting to know direct cremation is increasingly common.

DH and I are both going with direct cremations. Our DC know and seem ok about it. There can still be a small family gathering to think about us and the DC can spread our ashes somewhere lovely.

I am so sorry for your loss I have sadly arranged two.

The first was for my uncle who was unmarried and no children and only one sibling who was in poor heath, and his death was during the first lockdown. We used a national company who arranged everything but didn't give us a date or time.

His ashes were returned to us by courier in a biodegradable box and we scattered them somewhere close to us.

The second was for my Dad, he was very active in the community and sociable and lots of people were surprised by his wishes. He chose a direct cremation as my Mum is very shy and would feel overwhelmed by people coming up and offering her comfort / being the centre of attention, so he wanted to spare her that.

It was organised by a local funeral directors who could not have been more helpful and kind. We asked to know the date and time and we went along to the crem to wait outside to watch as they brought him into the chapel, but we weren't allowed inside. We were given the option to go in and have 15 minutes with the coffin beforehand if we wanted to, but had chosen not to.

We bought an urn and dropped it to the FD and they put his ashes in for us to collect.

Not quite the same but we had a very low key funeral without a wake in the middle of lockdown for one of my parents. We all got together with all the grandkids who hadn’t been able to go to the funeral once restrictions eased to plant a tree. We had food and music he liked and just generally shared memories
Could you do something similar?

c

For me, the whole point off a direct cremation is for there to be zero fuss, which I absolutely detest (at least, I do for me - I don't celebrate my own birthday either). So some of these "add ons", like ashes scattering, gatherings, saying a few words etc, seem to be trying to recreate a funeral and undermine the purpose of a direct cremation. Once I'm dead, it is not necessary for anyone to remember me, or mark my death. But I guess that as long as any deceased person's wishes are properly respected, then it's each to their own. What's great is that we now have more choice, and it's not just a standard issue funeral for everyone - we should be grateful for that.

@AuntieMarys the dead don't have any wishes anymore. They are dead. And again it's not about you. It's a waste of money to you but might not be to your loved ones. I'm not against direct cremation if it's what the loved ones want it's the removal of choice I'm against

Please be aware, there’s a difference between private/direct cremation arranged through a funeral director and the ‘direct cremation’ services you often see advertised on tv.

I’m not saying one is better than the other, but the direct cremation - while possibly cheaper - doesn’t usually include things like viewing in a funeral home or even providing clothes for the deceased. A friend had this for her Nan who died in Norfolk and was shocked to find she’d been cremated in Aberystwyth. You might not even know the time or day.

Fine if it’s what you want, but I have come across some people to whom this came as a terrible shock. Even though they didn’t want a funeral they wanted to be able to say goodbye.

Dad had a direct cremation last year through the Co Op.

Absolutely no pestering for ratings or promotion emails here!

It was his wish. Mum flipped her fuse (but they were long divorced), but I think that’s more due to a direct cremation denying her the chance to be the centre of attention.

Very simple, he was cremated on the Wednesday & his ashes were sitting on my sister’s sideboard by the Friday afternoon. I think there was a delay of 18-19 days from death to cremation (covid was still causing issues) but the advantage of not having to book the crematory for a service is that he was cremated much faster; at the time it was taking 4/6 weeks at that crematory from death to cremation. Indeed, a friend who died a few months before had a gap of over 12 weeks (died over Xmas 2021) before her cremation (at the same place).

He did ask for us to sprinkle a teaspoon of his ashes onto her carpets every week for her to vacuum up; since I do all her care & housework, I don’t fancy giving myself anymore work to do!

Just to add - there was no chance to view him before cremation, but that was exactly what he wanted.

We did find some local independent funeral directors whose attitude would change as soon as they heard ‘direct cremation’; I did get the impression that the welfare of the family & following his wishes would’ve been second to being pushed into expensive options with caskets/flowers/catering/ash vessels/orders of service which, obviously, provide a greater revenue stream for the funeral director than a direct cremation.

But if you've specified that's what you want, told your family AND paid for it.....its your choice. I certainly don't want any religious/ afterlife/ hypocrisy at a funeral.

I'm in my early 70s and have been considering the same cremation, but I'm going to ask my children (3) what they feel about it. At the end of the day a funeral, in my opinion, is about comforting the living where they can pay their respects en masse so to speak. I don't want to take that last goodbye in the funeral home from them if that's what they need..I wouldn't want them regretting it forever more.

I'm with your Mum about the trauma of a funeral ceremony but think it really should be a discussion we have together sooner rather than later.
Condolences for your sad loss OP.

Love that last request. 😁

My mum had this. Nothing happened afterwards. I found it hard at first but it's fine now.