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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Direct cremation experiences

82 replies

Littlepaleale · 20/08/2023 21:30

Anyone out there had experience of direct cremations please… looking for a hand to hold, some words of wisdom and practical suggestions.

We lost our DF two weeks ago, after a year of fighting cancer and a sudden deterioration that surprised us all. He had planned and paid for a direct funeral, where his body is taken straight from the hospital to a funeral home to be cremated without attendants.

DM is very comfortable with the plan, having discussed it at length with DF. He was a very private person and did not like the idea of people eulogising and a big fuss. DM is also shies away from being the centre of attention so is relieved to not have to go through a funeral.

My siblings and I are struggling with this plan (and are all wishing we’d discussed as a family before he went). One of us has a strong Roman Catholic faith and the other two of us feel like a funeral would help us say goodbye as part of the grieving process. We are 100% clear that there is no question of unpicking the plans and going against dad’s wishes.

We will know the day and time of the cremation and can mark the moment. We are planning to be together at that time and play music, read passages that were meaningful to DF.

So, anyone out there with experience of saying goodbye to a loved one with a direct cremation? How did you feel about it and what did you do to manage it for the best?

OP posts:

MilesAway · 20/08/2023 22:34

We did this for DH, as I did not want a funeral at the crematorium. We picked up his ashes and (a few days later) arranged a service at our local church. I'm really glad we did this, because even though DH was a private person, it did feel helpful for us to mark the occasion.

HamstersAreMyLife · 20/08/2023 22:36

I did this for all my grandparents. It all worked smoothly but I struggled with not being able to say goodbye 'properly' despite having funerals. I think if you can mark the occasion somehow you may avoid the issues I have had.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/08/2023 22:40

We did this for my dad. We just picked up his ashes and scattered them later. It was lovely.

Toooldtoworry · 20/08/2023 22:40

We've done this. We had a day out to scatter ashes and remember them instead.

Somehow it felt right that way.

Carsarelife · 20/08/2023 22:49

I would not be happy with this at all, I really feel for you all. I know there's not much you can do, the idea go get together at the time sounds good though.

TherealmrsT · 20/08/2023 23:09

We did it for a family member. A few weeks later all the family and friends got together in her house and did what we would have done after a funeral. Her son spoke about her life and anyone else who wanted to speak did so.
It was lovely, on a day convenient to everyone and gave the closure a funeral gives.

ditalini · 20/08/2023 23:19

We had this withy uncle. It was a surprise to everyone but my aunt.

There was a memorial service and wake about the time you would usually have a funeral but no coffin. It was a very lovely and meaningful day and felt like a proper goodbye.

My aunt scattered his ashes on her own a few weeks later as was her wish.

I was quite shocked but it was actually really positive.

Xrays · 20/08/2023 23:22

I did this for my Mum as I didn’t have a good relationship with her and as an only child and she had no other relatives it felt weird to do a proper funeral where it would only be me and my dh and our two dc there. We picked up the ashes and scattered them where she used to walk her dogs. I think you can still do your own sort of service with the ashes afterwards if you wish.

LooselyBasedOnAMadeUpStory · 20/08/2023 23:26

DH has bought himself a direct cremation funeral plan.
I was pretty upset to begin with, as were DC (adults) but we will do something together when we scatter his ashes.

An old family friend had a direct cremation before Christmas. It is odd if I’m honest. There’s no goodbye, she’s just not here, but the family didn’t do any kind of gathering so I think that’s why.

I’m sorry for your loss

51andFabulous · 20/08/2023 23:35

My late father insisted on one. When organising the funeral, I found the company on the phone very sympathetic and no different to calling a 'normal' funeral director. When delivering the ashes to my mother, they spent 2 hours sitting with her talking about my dad. I'm going to insist on one myself.

OffOnMyHols · 21/08/2023 00:00

We did this for my Mum. We’d discussed it and it was what she wanted and in the end it was straightforward and in the day if the cremation we got together to remember her. Her ashes will be scattered at the place she chose and we will have our own little memorial. It will be very personal and much better than a service that she didn’t believe in.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 21/08/2023 00:02

I am so pleased you’ve posted about this, as my DM mentioned it to me this week to see what I thought. I had only heard of this in passing.

DM doesn’t have a lot of money, and I think she felt that what she does have would be better going to her grandchildren rather than being spent on a funeral. She has outlived all her friends and is the last of her family generation. There would only be about 12 people at a funeral. I think it could be awkward trying to sing hymns and have a service for so few.

Having reflected on it I rather like the idea of celebrating my DM with something more informal and family based at an appropriate time.

Mossstitch · 21/08/2023 00:31

We discussed it when my step dad was terminal and agreed we would all do this. I personally hate funerals, don't get the point of them. He was from a strict religion which I had left and would have been awkward to arrange so I was glad that he wasn't bothered about having a religious service he just said that he was in God's memory and he was fine with it, he also didn't like to part with his money so liked the fact that it was so much cheaper (not entirely sure what he was saying his money for in the circumstances🤣).
We did not collect ashes or have any memorial or wake, I can't say I felt any different about it to other people I've known who have died and had more normal funerals.

mumof2many1943 · 21/08/2023 07:01

DH arranged his a year before he died, I have done mine too. The money we saved I donated to the Special School that 3 of our DC’s attended. All the family were at ease with the arrangements as they are not religious.

Soontobe60 · 21/08/2023 07:05

We did this for my DM last year. She was insistent! However, we also had a gathering a couple of weeks later, when everyone could attend. It was fabulous - we were able to really celebrate her life. I’d highly recommend it.

Londonnight · 21/08/2023 07:33

My parents [ mid 80's ] have done this. They are still alive and discussed this with us siblings. One of their reasons for doing it is as a family we are very wide spread around the world, so trying to arrange a funeral would be a nightmare to get everyone together on one day.

As a family, we will get together and remember them at a convenient time when we can get together.

I am not sure how I will feel about this when the time comes, but respect their wishes, as this is what they want.

Tiddlywinks63 · 21/08/2023 07:45

I’m planning on having one, I am an atheist and I don’t want any kind of service.
I would rather everyone went to the pub for a nice meal and then at some point scatter my ashes on a beach somewhere or on top of a hill.
My parents’ funerals were hijacked by my sisters, who had what they wanted rather than my parents wishes; no chance of that happening with my plans.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 21/08/2023 07:49

We did this for my father and it was actually so much better than the funeral experiences I've had. We did not do anything during the exact time he was cremated, we collected the ashes together. We then rented a function room about a month later and did a celebration of life where lots of people talked, read poems, etc. I hate the idea of someone who did not know my father presuming to lead our deeply personal process of saying good bye. We then very privately scattered the ashes as he wished.

SpanielsMatter · 21/08/2023 08:05

Direct cremation for my Mum with the CoOp Hemel Hempstead all went really well until the intrusive emails started asking for a MacDonalds style star rating for the service and then hideous emails about urns trying to up sell items. A reasonable service totally ruined by crass, insensitive/ offensive marketing. If you have used The CoOp ensure your spam filters are set to high as they don’t remove your details from their database with any urgency.

Direct cremation I feel is a good solution and my Dad has opted for this when he dies, we won’t be using the CoOp. Hideous to be going through OP, hope you find some space to breath and some quiet space for just you and your memories. 💐

TheCyclingGorilla · 21/08/2023 08:30

I've asked my parents about this. They want proper funerals, so I will respect their wishes. But I want a direct cremation. My circle of loved ones is tiny, and I hate the fuss of being centre of attention. It will be up to my daughter what to do with my ashes, or to mark my passing in some way.

jackstini · 21/08/2023 08:41

My Mum has arranged this and whilst we were a bit shocked when she first told us, it's her wishes

You can still have any kind of funeral service, memorial, wake etc. that you like, depending on what suits the people left behind when the time comes- it's just without the coffin/body

Mum says she doesn't mind what we do or when to remember her - she won't be there! Just do whatever helps us through it

We have talked about a pub meal with a roaring fire or a picnic in the park - depends on the weather!

PiggyPlumPie · 21/08/2023 08:42

My Dad wanted this. We all went to visit him in the funeral home the day before to say our goodbyes and leave letters etc.

The following day was odd as we didn't know the time.

We had a get together when we put the ashes in the cemetery near my sister.

In hindsight, it was the right thing for him.

passedthetest · 21/08/2023 08:52

We had a funeral service but to be honest, the nicest, most poignant part was later scattering the ashes. There was quite a long time between my mum dying and us deciding what to do with her ashes but in the end, we made a lovely day of it.

We had them split up into different containers and had a mini road trip, going to different places that were meaningful to her. We ended the day with a lovely late lunch and a glass of Prosecco and because time had passed and we were in a better, calmer state than we were immediately after her death, I think it was a truly special occasion.

In one sense, while funerals are important, they happen so quickly after a person's passing that you're still in the raw stages of loss and it's very hard to take anything in. And if you're a private family, being put 'on display' like that is tough!

I fully understand how you obviously need to honour your dad's wishes but also need that sense of closure too. So perhaps once you've had time to think and process the loss, you can arrange a nice day later on, to do something with his ashes instead?

Sunnydale1999 · 21/08/2023 09:08

The funeral business is a massive profit making industry, and I think when Covid happened and people realised they didn't have to have the bells & whistles funeral, direct cremation has become much more popular.

I plan on having a direct cremation as does the rest of my family. My mum does want her ashes buried and a headstone placed. So once her ashes are interred, my siblings and I will go out to lunch and raise a glass to our mum.

I hate the pressure to have 'a good turnout' as if that's representative of how great a person you were. The important people in my life are IN my life, not coming out the woodwork for weddings/funerals.

whosaidtha · 21/08/2023 09:09

I think it's a really selfish thing to do. A funeral is for your relatives to decide what to do and help them grieve/say goodbye. Why do you care you're not alive anymore. Don't take away their choices. (Not what you asked op but I'd be devastated if a loved one did that)

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