FIL gravely ill - DS away at camp

[NigellaAwesome]

My lovely FIL is gravely ill having been diagnosed with a very aggressive brain cancer. His decline has been very rapid - just last week he was at our house for dinner, and speech was impacted to a degree and motor function in his hand was starting to go, but he was himself and able to walk and communicate.

We had waited until GCSEs were over until we told the DC that it was in fact a brain tumour - initially medics thought it had been a TIA, so DC have only been aware that it is serious and terminal since Thursday, and at that stage we thought he may have another 3-4 weeks. DS (16) went to a week long camp on Saturday - at least 12 hours travel and a ferry away and he isn't due back until Friday night. I don't think FIL is going to last more than a couple of days at most - he is no longer able to eat or drink.

I can't bear telling DS when he is away and not being there to support him, yet I think DS would be devastated to only learn when he gets back and that we had kept it from him. Both DC adore their grandparents. What do I do?

Is he away with school or a group that he knows the adults?
I would contect the adult in charge first - if possible and then take their lead. They will
Most likely have dealt with something similar.

If it were me or my children I would let them know now. If suitable could they make the journey home if they wanted to?

contact

I too would tell him.

I wouldn’t tell him until he’s home personally. Unless it was to say that you were collecting him to come back early.

If you tell him and he wants to come home, is there anyone who could meet him off the ferry so he isn’t doing the whole journey alone? Maybe a close friend of yours, or parents of one of his friends?

I’m sorry, this is a horrible situation to be in.

I agree about speaking to the adult in charge. However it's likely that even if he could travel back alone he may be too late to say goodbye.
My father died in a very similar way and tbh the last hours were not something I would want a child to witness. However he is 16 so you would know best and I think a child of that age would want to be consulted at least.

Has your fil had steroids? They are really helpful initially, but unfortunately when they stop working the deterioration can sadly be quite rapid. If he hasn't had them, this might be an option. If your fil is still able to communicate could you arrange a video call so your son can have one last chat to his grandfather?
I think if that's not an option and you know it's not possible for your son to get home before Friday, I'd hold off telling him, as realistically it's likely to upset him, and there is nothing to be done.
Of course all family dynamics are different, so what I would do isn't terribly helpful.
Just really, really sorry you are having to go through this.

I would contact the course leader, see what the logistics could be to get ds home and then speak to him.

At 16 he is old enough to have an opinion and that matters with something as upsetting as losing a Grandparent

sending you all lots of love.

We’ve had to deal with both sets of grandparents dying and we tried to keep it as low key as possible. We also had a relative die the day before we went on holiday and my DC said they didn’t want to now go, but we told them that the relative who died would not want them to stop living their lives and to keep enjoying themselves. It’s a hard decision, but you could arrange to speak to your son and ask him what he would like to do.

I personally wouldn't bring him back or tell him now, since it's presumably a longed for trip after a stressy year. It may well be that your FiL is still with you later in the week - these things have a way of being unpredictable. Very hard on you all.

I’ve had both scenarios and neither felt like the right thing at the time. So I’m going to say let him enjoy his trip.

Please tell him. My parents used to withhold bad news from me and my sibling all the time and it still really upsets me now.
He’s 16, he’s old enough to know whether or not he comes home or not. If he was 6 it would be different conversation.
I understand your dilemma but you don’t really have a choice.

I would let him enjoy his trip.

I wouldnt tell. If FIL has a brain tumor that is moving this fast he is unlikely to be himself by tomorrow morning and neither DS or FIL would get any benefit from one last meeting. Its very sad, but clearly not too unexpected.

I agree re the steroids from our experience with mil.
I am not sure I would tell him though.

There is no right or wrong, do what you feel is best.

I agree with @MaximusPaddimous your Son may feel like he wasn't given a chance to even come home and regret that for the rest of his life. He may resent it and it could be with him for a long time. Honesty is important. He's sixteen nearly an adult he deserves to make that decision .

Op I'd let him enjoy the trip.

What's the point of bringing him back?
Is his grandfather going to want him see his last breath? The chances are his final moments will be limited to his wife, children and spouses and possibly his own siblings.

No point in going in trying to get him to travel back early just to moap about the house.

I would keep him updated.
Withholding bad news can be a really damaging experience for some (not all obviously). It could leave your ds feeling that he can't trust you - even if intellectually understands why you did it. It's different from the gcse scenario. He's 16 and unless you will have zero contact till he gets back, you face having to effectively lie to him when he texts or calls. I couldn't do that.

We had to decide a plan for this sort of situation when my FIL was ill (he had a degenerative disease and a DNR so we knew that it was quite likely that he'd go fairly quickly). We decided that if either of the DC were away when he started to go down hill we would keep quiet until they got back. Partly so that they would be able to enjoy their camp etc but mainly because we knew they would be really upset at the news and it would be uncomfortable for them to deal with this without us around. We also didn't think it would be fair to the camp leaders to expect them to deal with the situation. In our situation we knew that DH would want to be with FIL and I would need to be around to offer practical support to MIL, so it wouldn't be ideal for either of us to travel for hours to collect the DC. It was not an easy decision to come to, and we discussed it at great length over the years (DH illness was very up and down, but he had been adamant about having the DNR in place once things got to a certain stage, so for years we were prepared that the end could come at any time) including discussing it with our oldest child. Our view was that unless the DC were close by enough to collect them immediately and tell them privately we would wait until they came home. It's a horrible decision to have to make and you have my sympathy OP.

And I'm really sorry your family is going through this

I've witnessed the last hours before death and the moment of death two times now, both when I was 30+, and I found it unexpectedly traumatic and brutal to watch.
I'd tell him but not encourage him to travel back. It's not something you can forget once you've seen it.

I wouldn’t tell him unless it is actually possible for him to come home early. Otherwise he will be there alone and in pain. Have your FIL carers given any indication of how long. It can often be several days after stopping eating or drinking.

Can he get home if he chooses to? If so, I'd tell him.
There will be other school trips. I think this is far more important and he's old enough to be informed and make a decision for himself.

I wouldn't ruin his holiday, there's nothing he can do even if he was there. If his grandad is as ill as you say he won't be communicating so there's no point in rushing back. Just tell him when he's home, that's the kindest thing to do.