FIL gravely ill - DS away at camp

[NigellaAwesome]

My lovely FIL is gravely ill having been diagnosed with a very aggressive brain cancer. His decline has been very rapid - just last week he was at our house for dinner, and speech was impacted to a degree and motor function in his hand was starting to go, but he was himself and able to walk and communicate.

We had waited until GCSEs were over until we told the DC that it was in fact a brain tumour - initially medics thought it had been a TIA, so DC have only been aware that it is serious and terminal since Thursday, and at that stage we thought he may have another 3-4 weeks. DS (16) went to a week long camp on Saturday - at least 12 hours travel and a ferry away and he isn't due back until Friday night. I don't think FIL is going to last more than a couple of days at most - he is no longer able to eat or drink.

I can't bear telling DS when he is away and not being there to support him, yet I think DS would be devastated to only learn when he gets back and that we had kept it from him. Both DC adore their grandparents. What do I do?

is there a risk he could hear from another source (distant cousin via social media?)
if yes, definitely tell him.

if not I would tell him something anyway. maybe that gd is in hospital and very unwell and leave it at that. and if course if gd should pass away whilst dc is in camp then tell him soon after.

Tell him face to face when he gets back. There is no benefit for either him or his grandfather in dragging him back early.

Is your son in touch with you while he's away? If he contacts you I think it's reasonable to warn him that his grandad is deteriorating quickly, but that he's being well cared for. If he raises any concern about being away, simply say that his grandad wants him to enjoy his trip.

I agree with this.

You know your son best but I would bring mine home. He would want to be with us whether fil dies or not in that time. If fil dies he would want to be with us in those first days of grieving and planning. I also think he wouldn't look back on the holiday as a fun time, he'd look back on it as the time he was away and his grandad died and no-one told him or included him.

Hopefully you can have a chat with him and get a feel for what he thinks. But I'd be aiming to bring him home.

What dreadful news and timing. I'm sorry. I hope fil is comfortable.

I've just had a similar situation where my DS was in Australia and his granny had a massive stroke It was his last week so we told him Granny was Ill in hospital She actually died whilst he was on the way back and we told him face to face when home However he is 21
I think I would tell him the truth that he is very ill but as you saw him last week his Grandad was really happy that he'd enjoy his trip
It will be a long hard journey for DS to get back and honestly I don't think it would help him being there at the end
I'm so sorry you're going through this

I'm so sorry you are going through this as a family.

I would also tell him, as I think he would feel awful when he later found out, and might just remember that he was having a particularly good time when his GF was dying, and the guilt of that could make it seem so much worse.
I would tell him that he is deteriorating fast; give him the option of coming home if he wants to, but also tell him that grandad would want him to enjoy the trip if he can. I'd also try to contact the leaders and let them know he might need support. If there is little chance that he would get there in time, or if the ending is likely to be traumatic, then I'd encourage him to stay there and keep busy and be with others, or to come home if that's his choice. But I think he'd probably want to know that it was coming.

I am a plane ride away from my family, and when my dad was dying, there was a sudden stop in communication for a short while before I got on the plane, and I was sure that meant he'd died and they didn't want to tell me, but didn't want to deny it/lie by talking to me, so I spent the whole time convinced it had already happened. It hadn't, but the worry and pain was just as much anyway - so not telling him might still mean he is full of worry, if he has any suspicions that it might happen soon.

Please contact the leaders, just to keep them in the loop, and to see if actually there is any way for your ds to get home - without a doubt it would be at your expense and might involve you going there to pick him up as staff ratios are usually quite tight so one might not be able to travel with him for a non-emergency (ie not directly affecting the dc). It's a crap time op, I'm sorry.

Keep your ds informed, but I wouldn't bring him home. There's literally nothing he can do other than grieve at home. Sometimes kids are really quite resilient and aren't the vulnerable kids we think they are. Only you can decide whether or not it would be worthwhile bringing him home.

I'd go with this too.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

The other thing I'd worry about is him hearing something on social media if he has his phone with him. He needs to hear from you. What if a family friend or someone text him to say they're sorry his grandad has died or is very sick.

My mum (with the beat of intentions) told me, in relation to the deterioration of three different relatives, ‘don’t come back’ with the implication that their passing wasn’t imminent. I lived five hours’ drive away.

Each time, I missed the opportunity to say goodbye. I don’t blame her or anything, the intentions were the best, but I feel a lot of regret and sadness.

That said, I wasn’t 16yo, I was in my 20s or 30s each time. Would you have to go and collect your son, and therefore not be around to support your DH or other children?

I had this situation in February, except it was my dm who went into hospice and died, while my dd was abroad on a trip. I didn't tell her mum had died until she got home. I think I made the right decision. DD has seen her nan before she went away, there was nothing she could have done, we wouldn't have been there to comfort or help her, and I also knew my dm would have said 'let her enjoy herself'.
Do what you feel is right for your child. And sorry for what is happening, I hope your FIL is peaceful and you are getting the support you need.

I was in a similar situation, my Grandmother died whilst I was 18 years old and away with my friends. My parents didn't tell me until I got home and speaking from personal experience, I thought that was the right decision.
I wanted to be in a quiet space when I found, not flinging around a Uni bar with my mates and finding out about her death a day or two later made no difference.

I would try to speak to your son and the group leader so he knows the extent of the situation.

The final 48 hours of cancer death I have found brutal to watch, i think some 16 year olds might struggle with it. It was a relief when the macmillian nurses put the patient on a syringe driver of sedatives and pain relief, but the other side of that was that the patient was entirely unaware/unresponsive to visitors anyway.

I would encourage him to stay on his trip, and live his life to the full.

It's an awful situation and I'm sorry for your family. Maybe you can give your DS a particular decision to make regarding the funeral arrangements so he feels he was able to do something. Maybe design an order of service, or say a few words if he's up to it.

My nana died while I was away on a trip at a similar age. My parents didn't tell me until I got home. My initial reaction was anger that they hadn't told me but that was really the grief. I don't hold any anger about it but I don't remember the trip either as it clouds it anyway.

I would talk to the leaders first and then tell your son but make it clear that he doesn't need to come back, grandpa know how much he loves him. If he does want to come home there will be way to make it happen but be clear that there is a high risk he won't make it in time.

At 16 I don't think I'd ever forgive my parents for not keeping me updated.

Aw I’m so sorry.
I would wait until anything happens and if he was to pass away, tell son, but I’d probably let him enjoy his holiday until that point.
There’s not much he can do and he’s seen him recently that he knows he’s sick but will still remember him ‘whole’ (for want of any better word I can’t seem to find).
I think it would be different if he didn’t already know he was sick.
You can always say he went downhill more rapidly than was expected.

Really though, there is no perfect thing.

This ^

This is very tough but I think I’d let him enjoy his trip and tell him in person when home.

I think if you tell him while he's away he would want to come back so you need to look into offering this to him before telling him.

I don't think I would tell him until he's back safe and with family.

Imagine the sadness that no one else feels at the same time he could feel so alone.
It's the other kids trip too so while they may be kind and supportive they'd still find it easy to have fun and laugh etc.

In an ideal world I'd source the travel home early, for example its Wednesday afternoon, I'd tell him Tuesday so he has time to let it sink in and has a choice about returning rather than 'we'll see how we could get you back'.

Such a sad situation I'm sorry op.

I think it depends on whether he would easily be able to travel home if he wanted to. If he can't - no-one to accompany him, too long a journey - best let him enjoy the rest of his trip. It would overshadow the trip not just for him, but for his friends too.

If he asks, you could say something along the lines of Grandad is very poorly, but if he doesn't ask, I'd take it that he doesn't want to hear bad news when he's away from home.

Absolutely do not tell him unless you can tell him in person

Getting a teacher to tell him is a bad idea

If you drive/fly there to tell him and he returns to see Grandpa, Grandpa will either have passed already or not know your son

If you choose not to tell DS, and Grandpa dies before DS gets back, I think it is reasonable and accurate to explain that his health deteriorated so quickly that there was no time for reasonable conversation about the situation

Thanks so much everyone for replying. I was really concerned that not telling DS could erode trust in the future. In fact, my FIL had a serious illness when DH was 21 and away travelling, and his family didn't tell him until they knew he was out of the woods, and DH still has mixed feeling about it, over 30 years on.

Thanks for the idea to contact the leader - I don't know why I didn't think of that. It is army cadets that DS is away with, and the leader is well known to him. I phoned him and he was great. We agreed that he would ask DS to ring me, and the leader would be on standby to speak to DS afterwards. The leader said he could get DS on a flight tomorrow evening, so it is good to know there are options.

DS was upset - I thought it important to let him know FIL is deteriorating quickly. He has decided he wants to send FIL a video message, but doesn't want to come back or to FaceTime him. He knows that he can change his mind and get a flight back if he wants to.

to all who have lost loved ones.

I'm glad the CO picked up the ball.

FWIW My family have a very strong "died surrounded by loved ones" rule, which means that everyone over 18 drops what they're doing wherever in the World they are and comes to bedside. I've fought back on it for my children as I know from experience that your last lovely memory of that person alive can be wiped out by watching them pass.

When Grandad went over we played him his favourite music and voice notes from people who loved him who just wouldn't get there in time. He stayed on to hear them all and I hope it gave him comfort

The video is a lovely thing and I hope it gives your FIL comfort too.

You're in my thoughts tonight.

I think that's a lovely thing for DS to do
He will still feel he's done a llovely thing for his DGF and I'm glad he has the support of the leader
It's a hard call I know but I'm sure his DGF would be happy he has gone on his trip
My thoughts are with you