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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

FIL gravely ill - DS away at camp

75 replies

NigellaAwesome · 03/07/2023 17:24

My lovely FIL is gravely ill having been diagnosed with a very aggressive brain cancer. His decline has been very rapid - just last week he was at our house for dinner, and speech was impacted to a degree and motor function in his hand was starting to go, but he was himself and able to walk and communicate.

We had waited until GCSEs were over until we told the DC that it was in fact a brain tumour - initially medics thought it had been a TIA, so DC have only been aware that it is serious and terminal since Thursday, and at that stage we thought he may have another 3-4 weeks. DS (16) went to a week long camp on Saturday - at least 12 hours travel and a ferry away and he isn't due back until Friday night. I don't think FIL is going to last more than a couple of days at most - he is no longer able to eat or drink.

I can't bear telling DS when he is away and not being there to support him, yet I think DS would be devastated to only learn when he gets back and that we had kept it from him. Both DC adore their grandparents. What do I do?

OP posts:

StillWantingADog · 03/07/2023 21:29

Aw you handled it really well, as has your poor ds.

StrugglingWeight · 03/07/2023 21:29

I'm glad you told him

My parents kept very similar from me and I have found it very frustrating, and hard to forgive

Not so much the lack of opportunity to say goodbye, but more the suddenness of finding out. I really hated the thought that my family member had been dead for a few days and I just hadn't known. I still find that really hard to deal with now. That everyone else knew and I was just partying while my family were mourning my grandad.

I also found it frustrating that they didn't trust me to tell me the information. Like they didn't trust me to make a sensible decision as to whether I wanted to say goodbye, whether I wanted to come home.

LittleBumblebee3 · 03/07/2023 21:30

@NigellaAwesome I’m so sorry for what your family is going through OP 💐

I think you’ve handled the situation perfectly. Your DS is old enough (IMO) to make his own decisions regarding the situation. All you can do is be open and honest with him about what is going on here. That was a really lovely idea for him to send a video message. And I’m glad to hear that there are options if he feels like he wants to come home. It’s not even necessarily about him seeing his GF again, but just being able to be at home with his family when he gets the news of the passing.

For me, I’d be very upset if someone had withheld that information from me.
Can I ask, for all those that said they would withhold the information until DC was home. Assuming DC phones at some point just to check in with the family - what would you say if they asked how their grandparent was? Surely you can’t tell them they’re fine then hit them with that news when they get home?

Alyso · 03/07/2023 21:31

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Alyso · 03/07/2023 21:33

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viques · 03/07/2023 21:37

That feels like a good solution to an impossible situation. I expect that knowing he can get home if he feels he needs to has given your lad the safety net to stay. Making the video is a lovely idea, he sounds like a great lad.

helpfulperson · 03/07/2023 21:38

As someone who runs trips I would say, especially at 16, there is always a way to get someone home if necessary. I've had to do it on a couple of occasions and we will make it happen.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/07/2023 21:51

Can his return home gain anything for him or his grandparent?

They saw each other very recently and before this got even worse. (I would hate my children to see the misery of such an end. Death bed scenes are not all pretty. Memories of how things were could be eclipsed. )

What will he do when home if he comes back early?

Will he just be starting his grieving a bit sooner than he had to?

RegainingTheWill2023 · 03/07/2023 21:59

Well done OP. Your DS's response shows you did the right thing. You trusted him to decide what to do and it sounds like he's made a decision he's comfortable with.
All best wishes to you all.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 03/07/2023 23:29

I'm sorry you are all having to deal with this.

That's a good decision and outcome. Every family is different but Id make sure your son know that no one expects him back. (Assuming they don't)

steppemum · 04/07/2023 09:43

well done OP, that sounds like a good way to deal with it.

And actually, telling him now, before he dies is better, as now he is prepared.

It is never an easy call. When my Granny died, my brother was on holiday. Pre mobiles so very hard to contact.

Original poster

NigellaAwesome · 07/07/2023 22:37

An update, my lovely FIL passed away this morning. Peacefully and surrounded by family.

DS just got back this evening, and we told him when he got home. He has taken it badly, they were very close, but I am glad we had prepared him for the possibility and it didn't come out of the blue.

Thanks again for all the advice.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 07/07/2023 22:38

Sorry to hear your sad news.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/07/2023 22:42

So sorry to hear your sad update.
I'm glad that ds is home and your family is together to grieve and support each other.

Sugarfree23 · 07/07/2023 22:42

Sorry to hear your news.
Hope DS enjoyed his time away.

2bazookas · 07/07/2023 22:42

Let DS have his camp , don't tell him till he gets back.

FIl's end days may be deeply distressing to witness; better to remember his grandfather as he was.

Shadow1986 · 07/07/2023 22:44

I’m in an almost identical situation. I’m not planning on telling them until they are home if anything happens.

RandomMess · 07/07/2023 22:44

Sorry for your loss.

Glad you told him, my parents lied when I rang home to see how my uncle was. The lying did irreparable damage to my ability to trust others and our relationship.

Shadow1986 · 07/07/2023 22:45

Oh I’m sorry I didn’t see your update. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hope your DC is ok.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 07/07/2023 22:50

2bazookas · 07/07/2023 22:42

Let DS have his camp , don't tell him till he gets back.

FIl's end days may be deeply distressing to witness; better to remember his grandfather as he was.

Please RTFT!!!!!!

ohyesohyesoh · 07/07/2023 22:56

Sorry for your loss Nigella

LittleBumblebee3 · 07/07/2023 23:21

So sorry for your loss @NigellaAwesome 💐 I hope his passing was as peaceful as possible.
You definitely did the right thing in preparing DS for the possibility. I’m glad he’s home with you now - his emotions will be all over the place.

If you guys will be involved in making arrangements for the funeral etc, perhaps asking DS if he’d like a “job” to do would give him a focus after he’s had a couple of days to let the news sink in? When my grandparents each passed we asked younger cousins to pick photographs for the order of service. They really loved going through old pictures and learning about their grandparents when they were young.
Take care of each other.

BlissedOutCat · 07/07/2023 23:37

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you handled this beautifully.

TheaBrandt · 07/07/2023 23:44

My lovely grandfathers last words were “I don’t want them to see me like this”. I don’t think a teenager needs to be at a deathbed. So sorry - very sad.

sjpkgp1 · 12/07/2023 02:38

GreatBigBoots · 03/07/2023 17:48

We had to decide a plan for this sort of situation when my FIL was ill (he had a degenerative disease and a DNR so we knew that it was quite likely that he'd go fairly quickly). We decided that if either of the DC were away when he started to go down hill we would keep quiet until they got back. Partly so that they would be able to enjoy their camp etc but mainly because we knew they would be really upset at the news and it would be uncomfortable for them to deal with this without us around. We also didn't think it would be fair to the camp leaders to expect them to deal with the situation. In our situation we knew that DH would want to be with FIL and I would need to be around to offer practical support to MIL, so it wouldn't be ideal for either of us to travel for hours to collect the DC. It was not an easy decision to come to, and we discussed it at great length over the years (DH illness was very up and down, but he had been adamant about having the DNR in place once things got to a certain stage, so for years we were prepared that the end could come at any time) including discussing it with our oldest child. Our view was that unless the DC were close by enough to collect them immediately and tell them privately we would wait until they came home. It's a horrible decision to have to make and you have my sympathy OP.

Sad, but good advice. The hurt is not going to be any less whatever you do, and I am sure that your FIL would not like his GC to be brought back under these circumstances. Let him enjoy his trip, and get home. x

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