Has anyone lost their best friend?

[Tanfastic]

My best friend passed away a couple of months ago. We'd been best mates for over 25 years. She was my person, my confidant, my female other half if that makes sense. She died with all my secrets (not that I have any really but she knew my most private thoughts). We never lived in each other's pockets but she was the one person I could truly be myself with, knew me better than anybody, even dh if I'm being honest.

Although I'm grateful to have found that friendship I'm so sad and really struggling with the thought I'm never gonna see her again. It just makes no sense to me.

I have other friends but we're not as close.

Dh isn't the most empathetic and although was great at the time she passed, if I mention her now he doesn't really engage (probably cos he worried I'll get upset). He's very much a "well we've all got to die sometime" type of person so I tend to keep it in and cry on a dog walk or in the car. My mum is the same, changes the subject, again cos she probably doesn't want me to get upset.

I cried solid for two days when I knew she wasn't going to make it and then again once more at her funeral. Never took any time off work or anything so it's not like I'm a blubbering fucking mess. I just miss her. Terribly 🥺.

I don't know what I want to get out of this post but maybe just chat to others who have been in this situation.

Just catching up with this thread and reading all your posts, so sorry for all your losses. I've had my good days and bad days. I still can't believe she's gone. We didn't live in each other's pockets so I sometimes still try and imagine she's still alive but just that I haven't seen her for a bit. Then it hits me and I just feel a sudden wave of sadness.

I think that’s grief in a nutshell. Sometimes you forget and are ok, then it bowls back in when you least expect it. I’m really sorry for your loss. Life’s just not fair sometimes.

Yes. My best friend of 26 years died three years ago. I miss him with every breath in my body and his death was utterly senseless.

A very, very, very good friend died 5 years ago. The only thing that stops me saying "best friend" is that I'd only known her 2.5 years, so we had not had a lot of experiences together, but she "got me" better than my siblings, DH and many other friends, looked out for me, and solved problems I didn't know I had. On one very memorable occasion she stood up for in the face of much adversity.

I cried when she died, I cried and raged for days. I cried at her funeral. I am still so angry about her death (cancer), and how it left her dc without a mother. The saddest thing I have ever seen is an 8 year old at his mother's funeral, and now his older sister who has had such difficult, wayward teens , and their dad who tries so hard, but looks permanently bemused.

Her daughter looks so much like her now it hurts. I do a double take when I see her unexpectedly in the street. It must be killing her widower. Her number is still in my phone, and her birthday still in my calendar. She wasn't even 3 months older than me.

I'm a bit tearful now writing this. Sometimes I drive by the crematorium where she was cremated just to feel close to her for a few minutes. Silly really. Mulberry handbags, dark blonde bobs, spaniels and those little electric BMWs all remind me of her. Such bittersweet memories.

Our sons are best friends. Her son was so badly bullied after she died, and I was so proud of how mine defended him. When her boy is older, and has dealt with his own demons, I will tell him, often, what an excellent person his mother was. Hell, I'll sing it from the rooftops.

She was so ill towards the end I never did say goodbye. I just bought soup and new school uniform to the door.

Goodbye Lisa. You are still so loved.

And people don’t seem to understand when it’s a friend rather than relative or partner

So true. So, so true.

My friend passed away on Sunday. 6 days after diagnosis.

I'm so sorry for your loss @wheresthehope

I'm so, so sorry @wheresthehope. Many hugs..

My best friend (for over 40yrs) died 18 months ago (cancer). I still miss her, as you said @Tanfastic she was "my person". Thought we would grow old together, hit the galleries and museums on a regular basis now that we were both retired, share a bottle of wine over a meal. I'm more bereft at her loss than any other I've had - she was always there, in the background sometimes, but totally available to me, and I to her, when needed.

I wasn't lonely when my marriage ended, when my DC left home, when my parents died.... she was always there for me. I know what lonely means now, it means not having people around who "get" you, who you don't have to explain yourself to. It's shit.

I have. It has changed me and I will never stop missing her.

You choose your friends, whereas you don't choose your family. It can hurt so much more to lose a good friend.

I was a manager for many years and frequently granted bereavement leave against policy for my team who needed it if they'd lost a friend. HR could do one.

It's so shit isn't it, so sorry about your friend, I feel exactly the same. I probably naively thought the same as you that we'd grow old together. It actually never occurred to me that one of us would die way before our time.

The biggest thing I miss is just being able to share stuff. I've no one to do that with now, other than ds and dh who aren't interested in the slightest about the latest pair of shoes I've bought or how to cut my own hair etc etc. this is the inane shit we used to sit and talk about 😂 or I'd take a silly pic of my dog and WhatsApp it to her and she'd laugh and send me one of hers. It's the little things. Nobody to do that with now and it's fucking shit 🥲

Oh god that's awful 😞

Yes. I'm 30 (F) and lost my best friend who was in his 50's (M) 2 years ago. I'm still not ok. He was the most amazing person in the world. He was more than a best friend, he was like a big brother. He was there through everything and I told him everything and now he's not here. I still don't know what to do with myself. There is no one, and will never be any one quite like him. It's a hole that can never even be attempted to fill. It's not just a case of having other friends or making new friends. I have other friends. But I don't have HIM.

So much pain, and so much love, here on this thread. There's a line from a memoir of someone who died very young, from one of her friends, that's always stayed with me: "You are the diary I never kept".

A very good friend of mine died 18 months ago. We had a shared interest that we were both passionate about, and whenever I take part in it now, it's very bittersweet, because I am always wondering what she would think of this instance of it. She was funny and sparky and kind, and I miss her terribly.

So sorry for everyone’s losses on here. I can totally understand.

My best friend died two years ago - fit well and generally healthy. I never forget hearing the news she was suddenly unwell and on life support. I knew then she wouldn’t be coming back.

Like you @Tanfastic 25 years of friends. Not in each others pockets, secrets held and she was quite literally my compass. My DH has been emotionally distance. He is with these things and I am fortunate to have very very good friends around me - many of whom miss her dearly too.

@Tanfastic you are at the very beginning of the grieving journey. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t. Some days I am totally bereft and others I feel I’m doing ok. However all it takes is a memory to pop into my head, something to trigger a random thought, music ,smell or seeing something she’d like and I’m right back there like it’s the first day all over again.

My best friend also experienced grief when losing her other best friend to cancer. I never understood the emotions. I so wish I could sit along side her now and tell her I get it.

In 3 weeks, it will be 5 years since my best friend of 40 years died suddenly. Her DH came home and found her dead in the garden. No cause determined

It took about 18m before I stopped going to ring / text her about things
And another 18m before that great big hole in my life stopped being so raw

Her son recently got a promotion and moved quite far away, and she'd have been so proud, as am I. But it reminded of the anger I feel at her loss. It's so bloody unfair

I try to celebrate her birthday and ignore the anniversary of her death, to find ways to remember and celebrate things.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and saddened to read all these stories of loss

I lost my two closest friends six months to the date apart. That was 4 years ago and I still think of them, talk to them and miss them so much every day. They were both amazing women, strong, interesting, intelligent, funny, 'live life to the full' women.
Both of them I had lived with at various times in our 20s, worked with, travelled with and been there for each other during the big moments in life.

The first was suicide. She was the least likely candidate... but something monumentally awful happened and she no longer wanted to be here. I spent a week with her during her darkest days which was a privilege. She let me be there when she wouldn't let many in. I knew I could never 'save' her, but I also knew I'd given it my everything. She was 47 and I had known her over 20 years.

Six months later my other friend died after 3 years with Stage 4 cancer. We wrote a book to each other in messages during those years and my partner had it turned into one ( just for me) after she had gone. We lived in different areas of the country but 3 weeks before she died I just felt that this was it. I got on a train and just spent an afternoon with her in hospital and it was so bloody wonderful because despite everything we just laughed and chatted and ate and had the most normal time in the most unnatural setting because she never lost hope and still talked of a future. She was 55 - we'd been friends for 25 years

The two friends had met each other on a few occasions (I have a picture of them sat at the same table at my wedding) and when my first friend died I remember my other friend saying to me, 'You have to change the narrative' and I've always remembered that and tried to think about the amazing lives they had and how they are still with me, rather than their awful deaths.

25 years ago as teenagers. It took me 15 years to start to get over it. I didn't process the grief so my only advice would be, cry and talk, cry and talk. Don't keep it inside, that's what I did and it gave me eating disorders and all kinds of rubbish behaviours. I feel for you so much , it is a tremendous loss to face.

My best friend of 20 years died in a tragic accident two weeks ago and her funeral is in a couple of weeks. I’m absolutely heartbroken. We met at uni and at first we didn’t like each other, then it became apparent that we were more similar than we thought. She was fabulous, amazing sense of humour, fiercely protective, intelligent and so much fun to be around. She had this confidence about her that rubbed off on you. We were inseparable throughout our twenties and early thirties, I know it sounds silly but it’s almost as if she’s taken a part of my life with her. I still can’t quite believe she’s gone, at 40 years old.

So sorry @oiwiththepoodlesalready83

im uploading a couple of pages that I’ve found really helpful.

@CornishTiger thank you so much. That explains perfectly how I feel. So sorry for yours and everyone on this thread who has lost a friend.

I lost my three best friends. One died from stage 4 cancer he didn’t even know he had. He was dead within six weeks at 59. My other friend died at 53 in a car accident. At 43, my other buddy died after a routine medical procedure. I feel so lonely without them.

That is a lot of sadness @VeronicaMarie. No wonder you feel so lonely without them. I had a grenade moment about my other best friend just last week. The fear that the worse was happening again was just horrendous. Sometimes I have stopped allowing such closeness in out of fear I’ll lose them. However we need to try and let the light in.

@Tanfastic my best friend has a life limiting condition so it could be anytime. I think my grieving started at her diagnosis.
We have such a shared history, adventures, confidences and similar views on life. I miss the daily chats ...she sadly can't do those anymore.

I don't talk much about it to others as its a journey they're not on so I completely understand that you're feeling alone as your partner and mother don't empathise which is a shame.

You're not alone. Life can be so hard but somehow we survive and find resilience.

I love the idea of writing to her. I've thought about doing that too so I may start to do that.

I wish you peace and comfort.