Has anyone lost their best friend?

[Tanfastic]

My best friend passed away a couple of months ago. We'd been best mates for over 25 years. She was my person, my confidant, my female other half if that makes sense. She died with all my secrets (not that I have any really but she knew my most private thoughts). We never lived in each other's pockets but she was the one person I could truly be myself with, knew me better than anybody, even dh if I'm being honest.

Although I'm grateful to have found that friendship I'm so sad and really struggling with the thought I'm never gonna see her again. It just makes no sense to me.

I have other friends but we're not as close.

Dh isn't the most empathetic and although was great at the time she passed, if I mention her now he doesn't really engage (probably cos he worried I'll get upset). He's very much a "well we've all got to die sometime" type of person so I tend to keep it in and cry on a dog walk or in the car. My mum is the same, changes the subject, again cos she probably doesn't want me to get upset.

I cried solid for two days when I knew she wasn't going to make it and then again once more at her funeral. Never took any time off work or anything so it's not like I'm a blubbering fucking mess. I just miss her. Terribly 🥺.

I don't know what I want to get out of this post but maybe just chat to others who have been in this situation.

Yes. My best friend died of cancer two years ago at the age of 57. We met when I was 20 and she was 21. Saying our final goodbye in the hospice,was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I miss her every day.

That probably doesnt help you at all,but I can sympathise.

My best friend died in March. We had been friends for 59 years. It still feels unreal, to be honest. She was diagnosed in November with a particularly nasty cancer and dead by March. We did get the chance to talk and say our goodbyes which was important for both of us. I was one of a small group who was asked to be with her at the end. It was hard, but a great privilege. Her partner was wonderful and welcomed us in. I keep thinking of daft things she would find funny and going to message her, then remembering she isn't here.

So sorry. It truly sucks. I'm 11 years down the line now and still miss her and have the odd conversation in my head. Did a lot of crying in the shower. The grief changes as time goes on, no one will ever replace her but you may well find other souls who remind you of her and that helps to cherish the good stuff. The happy memories do become easier to access as time passes as the immediate rawness of loss fades. Please be gentle with yourself it's a horrid to lose anyone and it feels more complicated when it's a best friend as society isn't good at recognising the depth of those relationships as they don't have an obvious familial link that we can all relate to, if that makes sense. Grieve as you need to.

Thank you. I keep wanting to text her to tell her stuff and it's so weird to think I can't. I reread our texts all the time.

I know it will get easier but I don't think I felt this depth of grief even when my dad died as strange as that sounds.

I miss her no nonsense advice, her laugh, her ridiculous sense of humour which was the same as mine. She was too young to die.

So sorry for all your losses.

Hi, I completely understand how you feel.
At 33 years old you don't expect to lose your best friend so I'd never prepared myself for such thing.
He died of a blood clot/embolism suddenly in his sleep.
It was last year and I still think about him every day, I still really struggle with social media due to memories and then go backwards and begin to cry, unable to stop, for numerous hours.

No one understands how I feel, as an only child he was the closest thing to a brother.
All I can say is you never get over it, the days just become more manageable x

Oh that's awful, sorry for your loss. So young 😔.

Yes I think you just learn to live with it don't you as you have no choice really. When somebody has been a big part of your life for so many years its difficult to get your head round.

She was so beautiful and I never really got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her we did have a big heart to heart though and swore a lot about how fucking unfair and shit it was that she had an awful illness that she wasn't going to get better from. We had a very honest conversation about it and she told me she wanted to die.

So sorry for your loss. Grief is such a powerful emotion, the more you live the more it hurts. For me writing how I felt down helped. I write it for me, no holding back. I also sometimes find writing to the person I lost helps. You can speak directly to them, without being judged. I recommend trying it and hope it helps.

Hi early, you can only empathise if you e been there, so I'm not surprised at the reaction. Be kind to yourself.xx

Writing it down has helped actually thank you 😊

Yes. She was killed when we were 23.

It changed me as a person Nd the path my life was taking.

The grief never goes away.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

@nov1ce writing to them- definitely a way to help you deal with the emotion you're feeling at that point

A very very close friend of mine died suddenly in the autumn in really horrible circumstances. She was 39. I still can't really believe it. I still message her sometimes.

My best friend died 15 years ago. Her name was Judith . I still miss her. I'd been on a long holiday with DH , and when we got back I caught up with her - she said very calmly that she had stage 4 bowel cancer. When we were talking about it, she mentioned wistfully that she'd always thought my partner and I would get married, and how she'd love to see that happen. DH and I immediately planned a quick wedding, and she was able to come. She was in palliative care by then but her partner brought her in a wheelchair . Our "honeymoon " was spent visiting her - I'd do her fingernails and toenails and talk about anything and everything. She died one night when I wasn't there. By then I was sort of glad she died because even with all the drugs, she was still in pain at the end.

I still miss her , and often thing of what she'd think about something that is happening now. I'm sorry you also lost your friend - it's a sad time. Sending hugs xx

Not yet but it will happen. She has incurable cancer. Not something you expect to hear at 32. The diagnosis devastated me and I still cry most days over it.
I can’t bear the thought that one day soon she won’t be here anymore.

Lost my dearest friend when I was 50, 25 years ago, still miss her so much. She had a massive heart attack on a Greek island, her happy place, her ashes are there.

I am so sorry for all of your losses.

My best friend died suddenly from heart failure aged 32. 15 years have passed since then and I still miss her. Things happen and my first thought is often still that I must tell Emma. The pain definitely fades, the happy memories, shared times and secrets and her silly and wise words are still with me and as a PP said, easier to access now time has passed.

I think people are very supportive when we are bereaved, but there is an expectation that after a month or two you will be on the up. Grief isn't a linear process though.

Like you I battled on and didn't take any time off work. After a few months I was still really struggling to deal with things. Didn't like to make a fuss so would cry in private. Eventually I gave in, went to the GP and, thinking I could bravely tell him the problem burst and get some help. I burst into tears the moment I sat in his surgery. He said I'd not given myself time to grieve and signed me off for two weeks and let it all out. The pain was still there but the 'bubble' of sadness had popped somehow and I could get on with life a bit.

I know this is going to seem a bit mad, but when I was off work I found a notebook in WH Smiths and on the cover it said 'All will be well.' It really meant something to me so I bought it and wrote in it every day. Eventually all was well. Not the same, but well again.

Things do get better I promise you.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is as big a loss as a member of your family.

It has actually happened to me twice. First time I was 17 and she was 18 after nearly 10 years of friendship. She had a life limiting illness (cystic fibrosis) so we knew it would happen one day but it ended up being sooner than expected as she caught the flu and didn't recover. It was so hard as we had only left home to go to university 6 weeks before, so right when we were in a big transition in life anyway. The second time she was 33 and I was 38 and she had not long before been diagnosed with a brain tumour which she was told was benign. She had debulking surgery and it came back aggressively. We had a few weeks to say goodbye but she really suffered during those weeks. I had a miscarriage right as she found out it was back and another 3 months later just before she died. She never lived to meet the DD I finally had 2 years and 1 more miscarriage later which kills me. DD is totally her type of person too. Fiercely independent and full of love.

I still think "oh X/Y would love that" (about different things as they were quite different people)and it has been 28/7 years respectively.

One thing I try and concentrate on is that life is short and you don't know how long you have. I honour both of them by living my life to the full in a way they didn't get the chance to.

I lost my best friend in 2012 to Ovarian cancer. We met when we were 18 and she died just a few months before her 40th birthday. The grief never goes away, i am crying at this thread at all of your stories but also at the memory of saying goodbye. I saw her in hospital just before she was taken to the hospice (I lived 200 miles away so this was my final visit). I held her hand as the consultant told her gently that there was nothing more they could do.

I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her. I walked out of the hospital with her brother and her husband and wept. They held me in the lift and thanked me for being her friend.

I think of her every day, I talk to her. She was closer than my sister.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. She will be forever with you xx

Yes

Twice

Once at 10, and once very recently she was just 50

It is utterly shit

And people don’t seem to understand when it’s a friend rather than relative or partner.

At 10 I was just told to move on, my not-DM managed to accidentally put her foot in it and insult her mother, and we never saw them or were allowed to speak of them again.

I don’t make close friends easily.

And yet more recent friend and I were like sisters, for over 25 years. Despite and argument over her ex, where we didn’t speak for a while, we picked up as if we’d never stopped.

I miss her every single day

Dear Tanfastic

This is so bizarre as I don’t often give myself time to read posts however today I am having a hard time after my best friend’s sudden death. Her name is Tina and she died at the end of January this year.

We are both 56 and have been friends since the age of about four in infant school as it was then called. We continued through to primary, middle, junior and secondary school then went on to the same college after leaving school. She was 100% the only person I would call a best friend. I have others, some mutual but my goodness there is such a void. The pain feels physical at times and the tears uncontrollable.
Two of my children were giving someone a lift near to where my friend lived. I automatically said “can I grab a lift to Tina’s, I’ll spend the afternoon down there.” No sooner had I finished the sentence then the brutal reality set in that those spontaneous visits are no more. The tears flowed and for what ever reason, it does not feel right to breakdown in front of my 20 and 27 year old. She was a part of their lives as well.

I came on here to try and distract myself from the fluctuating feeling of utter sadness and saw your post. It is not the same every day and I have over four decades of fantastic laugh out loud memories most of them with her and stories only she would get and only we could share. I go to call her at the drop of a hat to tell her something so insignificant to the world but meaningful to us so I end up having one sided conversations with her.

I love her so much its hard to talk about her without crying, its hard to think about her without crying, its hard to type this without crying. I feel like my get up and go has gone and then I think about what she would say or the conversation we would be having about how I am feeling as we have lost mutual friends but had each other.

It really feels like a hot mess just now but I hold on to the fact that “nothing lasts forever and forever ends whenever”. I don’t have a significant other I do have family, who also know her, and they phone and ask how I am. When I say I am struggling there is sometimes a silence down the phone line often followed by conversation about the weather!!!! I so seriously could not care less about the weather be it warm, cold, raining or indifferent.

I am adjusting to rolling with the emotions and all they bring, they are excruciating at times and joyful at others when I think of her. I do hope in time that my joyful memories/emotions outweigh the sad ones and hope the same for you and all who are experiencing loss on any level.

I guess we all go through grief on different levels but there is not a timeline for missing a loved one or a text book on what that looks or feels like.
I wish the best to all reading this who have or are affected by grief and all it brings. ♥

My god, reading all these is so hard but absolutely necessary- @Tanfastic, I believe talking about it will help in some small way. Nothing erodes the grief but as you quite rightly said, people just don't get it do they? Maybe we could set up something here? So many have shared their losses already and it is heart-rending how many similarities ring true with my own situation.

Keep talking and sharing, @Tanfastic. I think people may find it difficult but you need the time and space to share and allow emotions to surface and start to process the long and complex road of grief and loss. I'm sorry about your friend, I get it, I really do. I have someone like that in my life yet I lost someone 10 years ago. It still hurts and I don't deal with it very healthily. Be gentle on yourself.

Yes, my BF died with breast cancer when I was 38, she was 40. It's still a shock to write it down and it was 7 years ago. It was all quite quick really and I don't think I ever processed that it was terminal. Even when I last saw her in the hospice it was a relatively normal conversation and although her sister had explained to me that she didn't have long, my brain didn't process. I didn't take time off work and my life just kind of carried on with my toddler. It took me a long time to be able to talk about it.

My best friend died 6 years ago. When I am really happy or really sad, I just want to talk to her.

I lost my 2 best friends sadly. One I lost to suicide and to this day I still live with guilt I couldn't save him. I miss him so much and another to Parkinson's Disease. I watched him deteriorating in front of me and it broke my heart losing him. I'm friends with his brother and we've helped each other through the grieving and visit his grave together. Not a day goes by I don't think of them both and they hold a place in my heart ❤️

I'm so sorry to read all these
I lost my best friend she was also in fact my Mum - to cancer and it was a stage 4 diagnosis which is a very difficult thing to comprehend.

It was horrendous and I miss her every day I cry every single day (3 years later) and I've really struggled so I know how each and every one of you feel and my heart goes out to you all ❤️

People say "times a great healer" I'm really hoping it is but for now I'm as sad as the day she passed away 😞