So my father just died!

[MarsLady]

Before you get too sympathetic, I've only seen him once in over 30 years which was last November when he first became ill.

I had no relationship with him because he was abusive to my mother and I witnessed it whilst tiny. Fortunately she had the good sense to get out of it and took me and my sisters and left.

My youngest sister has a relationship with him because she's visited him in Jamaica and wrote to him and called regularly.

I don't know how I feel if I'm honest. In fact the only reason I'm sharing is because I feel I ought to say something and I know I'm going to say the wrong things esp to my youngest DSis.

I feel the need to do something cathartic and I know it sounds bad.. but I don't want to cry for him. I don't know him. I'm only glad that I went to Jamaica in November and saw him. He was not the monster that I remembered but a broken old man. Couldn't bring myself to feel anything for him then either.

So... that's it really. Just thought an nice anonymous public forum was a good place to share [wry grin]

Cheers!

So do I go to the funeral or not?

I wonder if I might regret not going and yet I don't know that I should. Plus I feel like I've only just gotten off the blardy plane.

Need to sort and arrange the funeral (from here) and DSis can't do it. She's in no fit state. Plus I have to deal with family politics. Sometimes it sucks being the oldest/eldest.

I may just post random thoughts if you don't mind.

Post away!

No advice but thinking of you and your family

you don;t have to decide now, do you? sleep on it

you post yuor random thoughts, we shall be here to hold your hand, stroke your brow and feed you rum x

Oh Mars, I am sorry

Don't mark yourself out of ten for your reactiona. Be kind to yourself.

thinking of you Marsy xxx

mars I have just emailed you, I am
sorry to hear about your father and your loss. Sad cicumstances.

As many people have already said, maybe take an opportunity to grieve for what might have been.

As for the funeral - would it help everyone else if you went? If you're feeling neutral about the whole thing, thats the only way you can judge what the right thing is to do.

Hi My lovely marsy,
Not sure what to say but just wanted to let you know I had seen this. I felt something similaR (or rather didn't feel. . .) about my grandfather when he died.
Will be raising a glass of wine and toasting your strength this evening wqhen the bairns are in bed.
Lots of love to you my friend.
Cadders
xxxx

((Marsy))from me too and what Greeny said. xx

I am sorry for your loss of a father. And sorrier that it started so long ago.

Sounds like he basically died for you when you were a baby, he was already dead to you I mean. Very confusing. X

Oh, Mars, I am sorry.

My mother was a very unlikeable person and an abusive parent. But I was sad when she died, because she had wasted so much of her life being unhappy.

I remember my dad grieving by spending hours developing photos of her when she was young, before she was an alcoholic. He was grieving because that person was never coming back. All the time she was alive he must have been hoping and hoping she would

Hi Mars

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Thinking of you.

Px

'Better out than in' as your mom would say, we are here for you Mars

Funerals
What can I say, they are important for closure. How much would it mean to your sis for you to be there. At the end of the day blood is blood no matter what has gone before and it takes a bigger person (which I know you are) to bless the situation so his soul can rest in peace, it doesn't mean what he did was right but it clears the path for you to have inner peace

darling girl

ambivalence if it can be borne is a Very Good Thing.

you'll do the right thing for you...a big hug and a kiss from me.

xxx

your sis is v. lucky she has someone like you. you might even grieve the fact that you wern't allowed to grieve a better father figure

any time sweetness - i am here

I can't add any advice either but just to say we're all here for you.

mars, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Don't worry about how you are supposed to feel, it is a difficult situation. When my grandfather died, it was similar, he was abusive to my dad then emigrated and we rarely saw him. My dad went through the same feelings, then he did mourn what might have been, and it was stll a shock to lose his father. Don't be too hard on yourself and take care x x x

Well I've pretty much decided to go to the funeral. Mum and youngest Sis definitely need me to be there I think. Not sure how my middle sister is handling it but I think she's doing okay, better than the others anyway.

So.. now I need to find cheap flights, find out what day they bury people in Jamaica and help youngest DSis to decide what to do about his house (which he's left to her).

The condolence calls and texts are coming and it seems weird to me.

Now I need to sort out my lovely clients and let them know that I'm about to be unavailable to them for a week or so and set back ups in place.

I'm so glad that the sun is shining. It makes it easier to mull over my thoughts (or is that the rum?)

Plsd you have came to a decision on the funeral, that way you have no regrets.

Wish I could help you with your mummies but I am to far away, what a pity. I know they will understand and I am sure it will all workout. Hugs

I fly out before God wakes.

Still not really feeling anything though there is a tight knot somewhere inside me.

I'm completely knackered having co-ordinated the funeral from here with most of the calls being made really late at night.

My case is pretty much packed. My clients are sorted (I hope) and that's all I can do for now.