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Original poster

So my father just died!

53 replies

MarsLady · 08/02/2008 16:08

Before you get too sympathetic, I've only seen him once in over 30 years which was last November when he first became ill.

I had no relationship with him because he was abusive to my mother and I witnessed it whilst tiny. Fortunately she had the good sense to get out of it and took me and my sisters and left.

My youngest sister has a relationship with him because she's visited him in Jamaica and wrote to him and called regularly.

I don't know how I feel if I'm honest. In fact the only reason I'm sharing is because I feel I ought to say something and I know I'm going to say the wrong things esp to my youngest DSis.

I feel the need to do something cathartic and I know it sounds bad.. but I don't want to cry for him. I don't know him. I'm only glad that I went to Jamaica in November and saw him. He was not the monster that I remembered but a broken old man. Couldn't bring myself to feel anything for him then either.

So... that's it really. Just thought an nice anonymous public forum was a good place to share [wry grin]

OP posts:
Baffy · 08/02/2008 16:10

Glad you made that visit, sounds like you're at peace with everything due to that.

Don't worry about not knowing how to feel, I'd be the same in your situation.

Lulumama · 08/02/2008 16:11

I am sorry. for any loss is difficult, even for a person we might be sorry to lose, for the feelings such a loss can spark, can be difficult.

you don't have to feel anything. or do anything. grief can be tinged with relief.

what other things are cathartic? writing a letter and destroying it? sitting across from an empty chair and 'speaking' to him?

i hope you find peace with how you feel and your Dsis too

i will say a wee prayer for you

jura · 08/02/2008 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/02/2008 16:11

You were the bigger adult, Marslady

Glad you saw him in November, you saw the power faded and dimmed, as you say, a broken old man.

Take care

Lulumama · 08/02/2008 16:11
  • not be sorry to lose, that should say.
frogs · 08/02/2008 16:11

Oh Mars.

Very similar situation here, but it was last summer.

I know how mixed the emotions are. I looked at him in his coffin and felt... not much. Have taken my mum to the graveyard a few times and felt... nothing. It's very weird.

Do email or phone if you want to chat.

xx

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/02/2008 16:11

that's refreshingly honest of you MarsLady - whatever the relationship,or not that you've had you'll probably be mourning what might have been ( if you had known him properly) iyswim

Slouchy · 08/02/2008 16:12

Ahhh, Mars. Tough one.

Bound to have some effect on you in the next few weeks - who knows what? - so look after yourself.

R.e. doing somenthing - how about a donation to Women's Aid in his name?

Womba1 · 08/02/2008 16:12

Thinking of you

silverfrog · 08/02/2008 16:13

Mars, until i got to your penultimate paragraph, I was thinking "OMG, we're related!".

I am in the same postion - my father died last week, haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, don't really know what to feel.

I have also found out I have half siblings, who want to get in touch (so I wasn't being entirely flippant earlier) - all a bit bizarre really.

So, sympathy, empathy, cmomiserations, etc all in whatever propertions you want them, I know how you're feeling [manly pat on shoulder]

PandaG · 08/02/2008 16:13

oh Marsy. no words, just a hug if I may?

TripleyTigger · 08/02/2008 16:14

Tea?

(thinking of you.x.)

snowleopard · 08/02/2008 16:15

Oh Mars, I'm sorry for your loss, because it is a loss. And never having had the dad you should have had - that is your loss too.

I'm in a very similar situation, except that AFAIK my - abusive and estranged - dad is still alive. As with you, my sister has had more to do with him than me. I just can't bring myself to feel anything and I do wonder if that will change if/when I hear that he has died. I've always assumed it would lead to some complex feelings - perhaps it's too soon for you to really know how you feel. The nice anonymous and caring qualities of MN will be here if you suddenly do want to talk about it more!

AitchTwoOh · 08/02/2008 16:16

i'm glad you made that visit, marsy. sorry to hear about your dad, i hope it all works out peacefully for you.

aDad · 08/02/2008 16:18

Maybe a glass of rum is in order?

Original poster
MarsLady · 08/02/2008 16:21

What an excellent suggestion aDad. Would you care to join me in a bottle glass or two?

OP posts:
aDad · 08/02/2008 16:28

LOL.

Seems fitting. I think it's probably what I would do.

Bottoms up! (what do they say in Jamaica anyway?)

Egg · 08/02/2008 16:34

Mars . I know you weren't close but still sad for your loss. I knew this thread would be you when I saw the title. Enjoy your rum, I will now have to have a glass tonight too....

pagwatch · 08/02/2008 16:36

Mars
When my grandad died I had a similar mixture of emotions beacuse he had abused me since I was...well since i was two or three probably.
i got very mixed up for a while but I realised that I just had to react as irrationally as i wanted. In retrospect I think I was sad because my mum was so sad. I was soooo pleased that he was dead. but I was also pretty grief stricken because it was over and it had all been so shitty. I was grieving because i had never had a real proper grandfather and never would.
batty really but a few years on it makes sense or perhaps that is just the G & T's.
I talked to DH a lot and he just nodded sagely. You just need someone who will listen to your rantings. The churchill dog would be excellent . But here may work too

harpsichordcarrier · 08/02/2008 16:37

ah Mars, you don't have to cry but you know that
I am thinking of you, grief is complicated and no doubt you will feel a mixture of emotions

kindersurprise · 08/02/2008 16:42

Sorry for your loss, and I mean the loss of what might have been, that he was not man enough to be a good father to his children.

Hope you find some peace.

Shizaru · 08/02/2008 16:43

What a sad shadow of a man he must have ended up.

Hope you are okay lady

Klaw · 08/02/2008 16:46

((((Mars))))

Hadn't seen my father for 12 years when he died nearly two years ago.... so never got an explanation from him as to why he abandoned us time and again.... have never met half brother and very scared to make contact as his mother is the Wicked Stepmother incarnate, Can't open myself to the abuse I'd suffered from her mouth 20 years ago.... You'd think I'd be over that by now....

Anyway, I do understand how you feel Marsy, I went to see a Cruse councillor.

And I know that because of my father my children will never be made to feel the same by their parents, so silver lining there!

HUGS again!! Contact me off list if you want to chat some more, OK?

TotalChaos · 08/02/2008 16:51

((Mars)). Even though you weren't close, I guess you are partly going to mourn for how it could have/should have been.

Klaw · 08/02/2008 16:52

Reads thread...

Ok yes, we have suffered a loss, although it's hard to grieve for a father we hardly knew.... we have lost out on the relationship, we felt that loss every day for decades, and then death meant that we could never ever have a relationship or get any kind of answer...

Saw mine sporadically for 26years, didn't see him at all for 12, missed out on a step family and a half brother, never actually had time spent together even before he left us.....

My loss is that I never had a father, that is what I grieve for, not the man himself.

Sorry, this is all me, me, me, Marsy.....

Didn't mean to hijack

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