31+4 stillborn

[Chelseamc9]

Im 29 this was my first pregnancy. Ive dreamt of being a mum for aslong as i can remember i was so happy so was my partner. My pregnancy was pretty easy no real cause for concern. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 26 weeks and i was diet controlled, my numbers were all in range. At my 20 week scan they told me it was a 2 vessel cord but nothing to be worried about...Didn't mention it again and when i asked about it at 28 weeks they said nothing to worry about. I found out on Monday night after going into EOU about redued movments. They couldn't find her heartbeat. After a scan they told me she had died. I felt like my whole world had just ended, and the guilt seeing the pain in my partners face. Everything ive wished and dreamt of being a mum to our baby gone in a single second. I go in tomorrow to start the labour process. My question is has anyone not got a post mortem and regretted it. Me and my partner can't decide if we want to. If we decide we want to they have to send her over to Liverpool on a boat and we won't get her back for 2 days then obviously the results take months. Prolonging her funeral and in my head the grieving process. What if it was something i done wrong...how could i live with the guilt of her death and the pain I've caused everyone. Is there noway of telling what happened with regular tests at the hospital? Anyone had any experience with this.

Her name is Aaliyah 💕

I'm so so sorry to read this, huge hugs and condolences 💐. You did absolutely nothing wrong though, so please don't start blaming yourself.

I’m so sorry about your baby girl. It is nothing you did, you gave her a warm comfy home for 31 weeks.
To answer your question, we didn’t have a PM for dd1 and don’t regret it at all. She was 1 when she died. However, if the chance to have some answers (and bear in mind a PM might not give you any answers) would help, I would consider it.

I’m so sorry about this OP, sending you lots of love & hugs. I have no experience with this, but please please don’t blame yourself.

I'm so sorry.

We lost DD at 32+1 and did have a PM. I don't wish to share details but we got answers that meant we knew what to do next time to avoid the same happening. No one was to blame and we now have healthy DD because we knew. However, if you choose to have a PM you may not have an answer that soothes you, and may leave you disappointed.

Whatever you choose to do please reach out to professionals for support and advice. My GP was great, and reassured me that DD would be looked after while we waited. And having that extra time let us plan a burial and gave us time to heal.

I am so sorry, what a beautiful name ❤️

Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry for you loss. I have no experience in this area personally but I can assure you that the cause of her passing won't be anything you have done wrong. You are not to blame.

Maybe after she is born you could ask if there was anything apparent from their usual tests and if not then go for a post mortem. I know it must seem like prolonging the agony, but if you go on to embark on another pregnancy (I know it will be hard to even think about now) knowing the cause of what has happened to Aaliyah, could be avoided or even just allay some anxiety. Although a PM may not give an answer. It really depends on what feels right for you as a couple, many women I've worked with have preferred knowing what happened to help them not blame themselves.

So sorry for you, your partner and your beautiful Aaliyah - what a terribly painful thing you all have to go through.

It is not your fault, these things very tragically do happen, and many babies are stillborn every year.

My own baby brother was stillborn near his due date, in 1977. I was nearly four and expecting him so excitedly. We never really understood why. He did have a post-mortem but in our case, it did not reveal much, I don't think. You may not like to send her away to Liverpool and that is understandable, but at the same time a post-mortem might help you understand what must seem so unfair and inexplicable.

In those days there were no funerals or baby loss charities, and so there has been a kind of blank in my life where my brother might have been, he is never spoken of, I don't know what he looked like, or what his name was. I don't even know what they did with his body.

My advice would be to celebrate little Aaliyah's life as much as you can, to hold her, and make keepsakes, and hold a funeral, and keep her always alive in your minds, even if you go on to have further children, she will always be your precious first born and darling girl.

I am so sorry ❤

We had a post mortem done on our overdue baby and there was nothing to pinpoint what had happened. The consultant basically said she was in too long, this resulted in me having an elected cesarean at 37 weeks for my next baby.

I am so sorry for your loss. Aaliyah will always be in your heart.

We had a PM for my middle som and I don't regret it at all. It's a very personal choice so please don't think there is a right or wrong way to do things.

Ours took 3 months and actually gave us no "answers" other than "sometimes these things happen". We knew he had fetal hydrops but we never got a reason "why" but that helped is in that there was no indication it would happen again.

I am so so so very sorry to hear you're going through this. There is a support group on Facebook you can join when things have registered a bit with you. Sending love x

Unfortunately, I haven't got any advice regarding the PM. But I just wanted to pass on my condolences, I'm so so sorry for your loss and am tearing up writing this as I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

I will be thinking of you both and baby Aaliyah ❤️

I’m sorry for your loss. What a beautiful name. You haven’t done anything to cause this.

I don’t know if you’ve come across the gestational diabetes Facebook group? When I was a member last year, it was a space to talk about baby loss with GD. From memory they don’t require you to put trigger warnings on posts but you might want to check the rules. You might want to unfollow the group as there will be pregnant women in the group but there are women who have experienced late miscarriages, stillbirths and neonatal deaths with GD and they’ll be able to give you more information about their situation. If you don’t want to join the group, a number of the admins suffered losses and might be able to direct you.

I will wait and pray that maybe they will be able to tell me something after her birth. If not we will have to make the decision then. I can only thank each one of you for taking the time to comment.. Its give me comfort reading your words and experiences. Im numb and unsure how im getting through her birth but knowing so many have gives me strength and comfort x

Your message was beautiful. Im so sorry that you do not get to remember your brother in the way you should. You must have such a beautiful soul... Even tho you don't get the memories of him you deserve you still keep the memory of him ❤️
I plan to celebrate every milestone and keep her memory as much as i can x

Ive had to come off Facebook i was a member off that group, when im feeling a bit stronger i will go on and ask. Thank you

Im sorry for you loss also. I never imagined I'd be able to relate but i do. If they don't no anything after her birth then we will make the decision. There is alot off support offered at the hospital and charities so i will reach out. Thank you for your advice

I lost my baby at 18 weeks, so it was different and still classed as a miscarriage. We opted for a post mortem which was carried out within 3 days so any funeral arrangements weren't delayed. The results however is a very different situation and unfortunately 34 weeks later and I'm still waiting. I'm over halfway through a new pregnancy and wanted answers on if it could happen again but it doesn't look like I'll get them before this baby is born.

I'm so sorry, you've done nothing wrong, it is so utterly unfair. RIP Aaliyah ❤️

I’m so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful Aaliyah.

Sweetheart, I am so so sorry about your baby girl. It is not your fault. For whatever reason this was not her time and you couldn't have known or done anything to stop it. Please don't feel guilty - you don't need that on top of grief. No one will be blaming you and you have not caused anyone hurt. Please please look after yourself and allow your partner to support you and likewise. I wish you all the best for your healing.

I don’t have advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful daughter Aaliyah.

You did nothing wrong, so sorry for your loss 💕

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, my thoughts are with you at this very heartbreaking time.

my daughter was stillborn at 39 weeks, we had no idea we had lost her until I had given birth to her, because it was such a huge shock we had no time to think or make those very difficult decisions, we opted for no post mortem because we were told the success rate of finding what happened was very low. Instead they took swabs of her, inside her mouth, her umbilical cord etc and they took swabs from me too. They took my placenta for testing and all came back completely healthy, it was put down to just one of those things, which is horrendously hard to cope with, why us?! But at the same time I found some comfort in knowing that my placenta and body hadn’t failed her (it took therapy to get to this point, you automatically want to blame yourself).

please know that it was nothing you did wrong. You are not to blame, all she ever knew was comfort, love and safety.

I am a year down the line now and when you are ready, there are some amazing charities and support networks that you can reach out to, you’ll find so many who have been in your position who will understand every thought and feeling you go through.

whatever you decide to do, you are doing the best for her and doing it out of love. Don’t forget that! Xx

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. What happened was not your fault. Sending you love and strength ♥️

I am so sorry for the loss of darling Aaliyah.

It wasn’t anything you did, not your fault.

Maybe a PM would help give you surety on that?