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Original poster

Was I insensitive

53 replies

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:23

Sorry to ask but if someone said "I won't come to the funeral I didn't know her well" would you find it rude/insensitive? I just said it to someone - the persons partner - extended with "I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you all" and felt really rude after.
I am not one of those people who goes to every funeral going as I see them as quite personal things. But I feel like I just put my foot in it. I only went to drop a card off and didn't intend to intrude but they were on the doorstep when I got there. I am sure they have much more on their mind but just didn't want to offend if I have?

OP posts:
user1474315215 · 05/09/2022 19:03

Perfectly valid thing to think and to say.

Macaroni1924 · 05/09/2022 19:04

Nope not rude at all, just upfront and honest with a nice sentiment. I would say the same so maybe I’m just rude 🤷🏻‍♀️

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 19:12

Honestly, don't worry about it. It probably didn't even register with him. I couldn't tell you who did/didn't attend the funeral, but the cards I've read several times.

Poor bloke & his kids 💔

SavingsThreads · 05/09/2022 19:22

raindon · 04/09/2022 15:41

Really rude

How is it rude?

queenmeadhbh · 05/09/2022 20:03

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2022 15:32

Were you invited? If not, why should you go?

i disagree with PP, I wouldn’t expect or indeed want people I or the deceased don’t / didn’t know ell cluttering up the funeral.

Who the hell issues invitations to a funeral?

User287264 · 05/09/2022 20:07

I said an awful thing to someone at his wife's funeral, terrible unfunny joke that came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. So unlike me, I was so embarrassed.

Sometimes nerves get the better of us.

I'm sure he appreciated you going round.

Original poster
MrsAppleHead · 05/09/2022 23:39

Thanks @stuffnthings I appreciate your reply (and everyone else's)

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/09/2022 23:42

raindon · 04/09/2022 15:41

Really rude

It really wasn't.

Maybe not the ideal chit chat (though unless you're particularly adept at tricky conversations few of us manage the ideal when taking to the bereaved) but not remotely rude.

saraclara · 05/09/2022 23:44

When my husband died, I wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with what you said at all. I'd just have appreciated you making the effort to bring a card and actually say something to me.

stuffnthings · 06/09/2022 08:53

MrsAppleHead · 05/09/2022 23:39

Thanks @stuffnthings I appreciate your reply (and everyone else's)

@MrsAppleHead Absolutely no problem at all, I hope you feel reassured with all the replies.

Bubbleguppette · 06/09/2022 08:59

I'd think you were very kind to have dropped over the card. Proves you were thinking about them.

wonderstuff · 06/09/2022 09:03

I don’t think you were rude. I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

knittingaddict · 06/09/2022 09:09

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2022 15:32

Were you invited? If not, why should you go?

i disagree with PP, I wouldn’t expect or indeed want people I or the deceased don’t / didn’t know ell cluttering up the funeral.

You don't get invitations to funerals. You just show up or not, as the case may be.

I've had my fair share of foot in mouth moments op, so try not to dwell on it.

Neverendingmindfuck · 06/09/2022 09:16

You were kind enough to actually hand deliver a card, it speaks volumes.
I don't think you were rude.
Had you shown up to the funeral making out you were besties, that would have been rude and incredibly crass.
Don't sweat it, the poor man has already forgotten it.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 06/09/2022 09:24

I also don’t think you were inappropriate and agree with other posters that it’s not the faux pas of the century.

In contrast, at least you didn’t say say you weren’t going because it was too distressing for you, which is what I got when my DP passed in January….. he had a relatively “high profile” locally but the people who said this were, to be frank, peripheral, and I honestly wouldn’t have noticed if they’d been there or not.

Your motivation comes across as respectful, and I’m sure he won’t be upset.

TwigTheWonderKid · 06/09/2022 09:39

I think you were trying to say that as they were an acquaintance rather than friend or relative you thought you might be intruding by going the funeral. But effectively what you said could have been construed as I didn't really know them so I don't want to waste my time at their funeral. But I think that's in the cold light in analysis. I'm sure he understood what you were trying to say.

LittlePearl · 06/09/2022 09:46

I think your other words - about thinking of them - and the card, will weigh far more heavily than the bit about not going to the funeral. Please don't worry about it!

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2022 09:50

How is that rude? Why would OP go to the funeral of a person they didn’t know well?

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2022 09:53

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 04/09/2022 15:31
Yes that is crass and ignorant and you lack a filter. TBQH”

it was neither, why the need to be so unpleasant?

TwigTheWonderKid · 06/09/2022 09:58

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/09/2022 09:50

How is that rude? Why would OP go to the funeral of a person they didn’t know well?

Because it's also about supporting and showing love for the people who are left behind.

nancydroo · 06/09/2022 10:09

No don't worry about it. She would know what you meant. You brought a card. That was nice. You're good though. Be kind to yourself

mondaytosunday · 06/09/2022 12:51

I wouldn't have expected you to come. And what you said wouldn't have bothered me (I'm a widow).
What I did find a bit offensive was the people who one would have expected to attend a funeral saying 'oh sorry I can't handle funerals'. Well gee thanks for the support.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 12:55

Yes

That's incredibly insensitive.

AllThatAndMore · 15/09/2022 15:52

Don’t feel bad . It could have been worded differently but I think your reasoning is acceptable. It’s hard to think of the right words in these situations . I’m the worst for it .

I have a family member who won’t go to funerals because she hates them and that’s how she words it too.

Metabigot · 19/09/2022 11:42

Agree that it's the living person you do know well that you go for.

My dad's cousin died and I'd only met him twice, barely knew him at all but I went to support the family

Family is admittedly a bit different to a school gate mum.

I may have done a ' I'd love to but we had plans that day we can't move' white lie in your position