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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Was I insensitive

53 replies

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:23

Sorry to ask but if someone said "I won't come to the funeral I didn't know her well" would you find it rude/insensitive? I just said it to someone - the persons partner - extended with "I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you all" and felt really rude after.
I am not one of those people who goes to every funeral going as I see them as quite personal things. But I feel like I just put my foot in it. I only went to drop a card off and didn't intend to intrude but they were on the doorstep when I got there. I am sure they have much more on their mind but just didn't want to offend if I have?

OP posts:

Cma1988 · 04/09/2022 15:25

I think it was a little insensitive yes

Original poster

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:26

Oh god I feel awful.

OP posts:

PAFMO · 04/09/2022 15:27

Yes. Obviously.

Soapboxqueen · 04/09/2022 15:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with your reasoning. It's perfectly OK to not go to funeral of someone you don't know well (local customs permitting)

However, it seems a bit crass to say that to the bereaved partner.

Nothing you can do about it now though.

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 04/09/2022 15:31

Yes that is crass and ignorant and you lack a filter. TBQH

Original poster

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:31

It was just one do those really awkward moments making small talk when I didn't know what to say. I feel terrible. Hopefully the words in my card will be more appropriate and sensitive and over ride this.

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2022 15:32

Were you invited? If not, why should you go?

i disagree with PP, I wouldn’t expect or indeed want people I or the deceased don’t / didn’t know ell cluttering up the funeral.

Hotandbothereds · 04/09/2022 15:35

I’d find it a bit odd if someone was thoughtful enough to drop a card round but then state they wouldn’t go to the funeral, you’d have been better saying nothing.

People attend funerals to support the bereaved, not always because they were close to the person who died, yanbu not to go, you just didn’t need to say it.

Lindy2 · 04/09/2022 15:36

Do you know the surviving partner well? Funerals are just as much, if not more for the living, than the deceased.

It wasn't a dreadful thing to say but it wasn't the most comforting of comments to the partner. Perhaps you could message them and say sorry, you think you may have been a bit insensitive earlier and that you will go to the funeral as you wish to be there to support them on the day.

Anna713 · 04/09/2022 15:37

You were a tiny bit insensitive but you obviously didn't mean to be. I also think people who don't know the deceased well shouldn't go to the funeral. I'm sure the person you spoke to will understand. I certainly would. Don't worry OP - we all say things that come out slightly wrong sometimes.

Original poster

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:37

I don't know them well. It is probably the first time I have spoken to him. I knew her a little via the school gate. I feel awful.

OP posts:

raindon · 04/09/2022 15:41

Really rude

FuckThisForAGameOfNotSoldiers · 04/09/2022 16:05

MrsAppleHead · 04/09/2022 15:37

I don't know them well. It is probably the first time I have spoken to him. I knew her a little via the school gate. I feel awful.

Honestly, I think that's fine. If he is grieving I doubt it will be the end of the world as his heart's already broken. You didn't set out to offend.

Wingedharpy · 05/09/2022 02:19

I'm relatively recently bereaved OP, and, to be perfectly honest, I would not have been in any way offended by your words.
On the contrary, the words which would have resonated with me would have been " I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you all".
I would have understood perfectly what you meant.
As @FuckThisForAGameOfNotSoldiers said, his heart is already broken, nothing you said will make him feel worse and the words in your card will be the ones he remembers.
Don't beat yourself up.

unname · 05/09/2022 02:25

People say all kinds of awkward things at a time like this. Most people won’t remember or be too bothered by each stupid comment they hear. I’ve been on both sides of it.

alphons · 05/09/2022 02:43

I would have known what you meant OP.

You personally dropped off a card with what sound like sincere sentiments. Saying you wouldn’t come to the funeral because you didn’t know her well, just a school gate acquaintance and you’ve never spoken with him before, is actually a decent thing to do imo. Your thoughts are there, you don’t want to intrude.

People can have very different opinions about funerals. Celebration of a life lived versus mourning a loss, for example (or both). You weren’t rude. Perhaps a bit blunt, that’s all. It’s the thought that counts.

donttalkaboutbookclub · 05/09/2022 02:43

Don't feel bad - you don't really know either of them but you are thoughtful enough to give a card and say something, which is more than many will do. Just leave it at that now, it's fine.

EmmaH2022 · 05/09/2022 03:23

I think it's absolutely fine.

CrustyCrotch · 05/09/2022 03:23

Perhaps the person the card was meant for felt a bit awkward and that is why they asked if you wanted to attend?
I really didn't mind when I was bereaved, I was just focused on trying to get through each day, and to be honest, I couldn't even say to this day who attended.

I'm sure it's fine, and you haven't offended, trying to organise a funeral/wake/catering is a nightmare, so a firm "no" is quite helpful to hear.

stuffnthings · 05/09/2022 18:26

I was that man last year and I wouldn't have been offended at all OP. I would be grateful for the card and that you took time to deliver it in person. I think it could have come across as a bit blunt, but in all honesty, I wouldn't have given it a second thought as my mind would've been focussed on my young DC and everything else that would require my attention in the immediate days after DW's death. Please don't worry.

GiselleRose · 05/09/2022 18:32

I think the card will be appreciated. I don’t think what you said will bother him. I’m sure he realised that you felt awkward and obviously has a lot going on right now.

Footle · 05/09/2022 18:36

Dont apologise for what you said. It's perfectly ok and he won't be thinking about it - he's got a lot on. You have been thoughtful.

cherrysthename · 05/09/2022 18:50

Not rude, but maybe a bit clumsy or awkward. Only a bit. Of course it's more respectful not to attend a funeral of someone you don't know (that would be weird, a bit rubbernecky and unwelcome- in my opinion anyway), it's more the stating it/blurting it out. But I'm sure it's fine. He won't be giving it any thought anyway.

Candleabra · 05/09/2022 18:55

I’d have appreciated the card and the thought. I wouldn’t have been offended at all. You made the effort to pay your respects. So many people avoid you after a bereavement, it’s nice you went.

Meseekslookatme · 05/09/2022 19:00

Someone said that to me when my dp died.
Try not to feel bad, people panic around the bereaved

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