Hurt angry and confused

[Army85]

Sooooo here it goes...

My lovely funny mum died of cancer 18 months ago aged 54...she only had 6 weeks to live once diagnosed...she was at home and me my daughter and step dad looked after her there...

Me and my step dad have never really seen eye to eye but since my mum left he was there for me...as I lost my great nan a few months after my mum and then lost my nan (my mums mum ) 10 months after my mum...so the past 18 months have been extremely upsetting for me..

I suffer with bpd so my emotions are all over on a normal day..now I feel like I lost everything that was important to me

So 4 days ago my step dad calls round and drops a bombshell that he's been seeing one of my mum and his freinds for the past 6 months...the month of my mums first year anniversary of her death...

Please give me your thoughts...im absolutely broken..he's lied about it for 6months...I feel I can't accept this....iv told him how I feel...I did get an (im sorry text ) yesterday...but I feel its to soon...my mums things are still in the house..just little things like her coats and hairdryer and glasses...as I did sort out the wardrobes and make up etc a month after her funeral....

I feel betrayed and I can't believe he's done this to me and my daughter..I won't accept her..I feel like I should take the rest of my mums things from the house and leave him to it...he told me to go take them while he's at work..there doesn't seem to be any remorse

Just need all this pain to go

[heldinadream]

Some men move on very quickly after a bereavement. How has he lied to you? Surely he's just waited to tell you because he knew you'd be upset? Like any bereaved person, he has a right to a life.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP but you might just have to come to terms with the fact that he's in a new relationship.

I don't understand what the issue is round your mother's things, can you explain?

[PeaceLillyWhiteFlower]

I'm so sorry OP. It is just devastating. You lose your mum and then the man you thought was your dad. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Am going through similar at the moment.

Who owns the house? Do you have any claim on it? If not I would remove mum's stuff and get away.

It's easy for people who haven't been here to brush it off. I am still so confused. I thought my father was one of the good ones but he's turned out to be a deceitful, untrustworthy creep.

[Army85]

@heldinadream

Some men move on very quickly after a bereavement. How has he lied to you? Surely he's just waited to tell you because he knew you'd be upset? Like any bereaved person, he has a right to a life.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP but you might just have to come to terms with the fact that he's in a new relationship.

I don't understand what the issue is round your mother's things, can you explain?

He lied for 6 months about seeing her...I would invite him for dinner and he would make excuses and ignore phone calls from his granddaughter
I dont disagree about him not having a life...but I think 12months is far to soon..

Regarding my mums things I feel I should remove them from the house and let him do what he wants...I mean why keep them if he's moved on ???

[KangarooKenny]

I had very similar with my step dad, but he didn’t even wait 6 weeks.
Ive never seen him since that bomb shell over 20 years ago.

[Army85]

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower

I'm so sorry OP. It is just devastating. You lose your mum and then the man you thought was your dad. I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Am going through similar at the moment.

Who owns the house? Do you have any claim on it? If not I would remove mum's stuff and get away.

It's easy for people who haven't been here to brush it off. I am still so confused. I thought my father was one of the good ones but he's turned out to be a deceitful, untrustworthy creep.

This is exactly how I feel...22 years gone because he's been selfish...im sorry your going thru the same..explain your situation..

It was a joint mortgage..its now payed off with money he got when my mum passed...I did tell him he needs a solicitor because morally the house should be passed on to me and my daughter if he dies..not to some slapper and her family..my mum payed the mortgage when she was here..

Yeah I thought he was still grieving when in reality he's out with my mums freinds and shagging one of them

[Army85]

@KangarooKenny

I had very similar with my step dad, but he didn’t even wait 6 weeks.
Ive never seen him since that bomb shell over 20 years ago.

6 weeks?????!!!! How frigging evil can you be !!!
I'm so sorry
I feel the same like I never want to see him again
I'm so confused
I hope he realises and it doesn't work out but if 6 months have passed and only tells me days ago then I'm guessing it's serious

[JenniferBarkley]

I know this is hugely upsetting, and I would feel the same in truth, but he hasn't done anything wrong here.

He waited a year. He then didn't say anything for six months, presumably out of respect for you as he didn't want to upset you if the relationship didn't turn into a long term thing.

Try to see it as a positive for him. It doesn't mean he loves your mum any less.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

This isn't that unusual OP. A lot of men struggle being alone and are able to move on quite quickly. It doesn't mean he didn't love your mum and still misses her, but life has to go on. I don't think he's done anything wrong.

My dad died in his early 60s, mum lived to her 90s and never met anyone else, I would have loved her to as she was quite lonely. I'm sure if my dad had been widowed he would have remarried.

[Army85]

@JenniferBarkley

I know this is hugely upsetting, and I would feel the same in truth, but he hasn't done anything wrong here.

He waited a year. He then didn't say anything for six months, presumably out of respect for you as he didn't want to upset you if the relationship didn't turn into a long term thing.

Try to see it as a positive for him. It doesn't mean he loves your mum any less.

I feel a year is way to soon...you only get one mum..he can have as many wife's as he wants...its the fact he has been out with my mums freinds and they all new about it..
I dont really like her anyway...shes still married and has 4 kids with different men..I feel like he's going to spend my mums money on her and her family and basically leave me and my daughter sat in the background..
What's positive about it ?? I'm confused

[Army85]

Yes I'm deeply hurt...I definitely won't ever have anything to do with her...I just don't see how that will work ??? If he' is sad and lonely then surely he's doing it for the wrong reasons ???

[Army85]

@BigSandyBalls2015

This isn't that unusual OP. A lot of men struggle being alone and are able to move on quite quickly. It doesn't mean he didn't love your mum and still misses her, but life has to go on. I don't think he's done anything wrong.

My dad died in his early 60s, mum lived to her 90s and never met anyone else, I would have loved her to as she was quite lonely. I'm sure if my dad had been widowed he would have remarried.

Yeah I told him I don't expect you to be on your own forever...but I was shocked at how fast...I no what you mean as I no if it was other way around my mum wouldn't replace him

[JimmyShoo]

My PIL were married for over 50 years. My MIL met someone else after 7 months. It happens. I think sometimes it can happen more quickly if you’ve had a happy marriage as you feel so bereft at what you’ve lost.

I understand why it’s hard, but I don’t think he’s really done anything wrong. I’m so sorry you lost your Mum.

[JenniferBarkley]

You're out of line calling her a slapper and criticising her for having children with multiple partners. She was your mum's friend, I doubt your mum would have spoken about her in such a way.

Your upset is perfectly understandable.

As others have said, it's normal for men who struggle to be alone. My dad died around the same time as your mum and I doubt my mum will see anyone else. Which in many ways is a shame, she's fit and healthy in her mid 60s, she deserves some happiness. If it had been the other way around, I think my dad may well have found another partner. I probably wouldn't have loved the idea, but I don't get a vote in how my parents run their lives.

[JenniferBarkley]

Great post from @11stonesomething

[Nearlythere72]

My dad met my step mum within a similar time frame, after the death of my mum. They ended up being happily married for 25 years until my step mum died. Whilst it seemed soon it was not a reflection on his feelings for my mum and I could never have denied him a second chance of happiness.

I'm not entirely sure what there is for you to forgive.

[AntarcticTern]

I wouldn't have much respect for a man who moves on very quickly after his wife's death, but I think a year is okay. I'm sorry that you are struggling though.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

I'm sorry for your losses.


PP are right though, he hasn't done anything wrong.


Some people can't cope being alone.

FIL (he'd been with MIL since Dh was 9 months old) was seeing someone new about 5/6 months after MIL died. She too had been a friend of MILs. He'd never been alone, he'd gone from living at home, to the navy (& wife #1) to MIL. 11 years on & they've been married almost 6 years. She's lovely, adores our dc & treats them exactly the same as her own dgc. Dh struggled at first but, having watched his Dad lose other family members, ultimately decided that seeing his Dad happy & the dc having peoples in their lives who love them, was more important.

[HoppingPavlova]

That’s not fast for a man. They tend to move on quickly as they (in general) are extremely dependant in a woman, especially if they have been with one for some time.

I have decades on you and have numerous stories of men moving on extremely quickly after death or divorce. Completely normal.

You are taking your grief out on normal people in a normal situation.

[Scottishflower65]

I think you need to accept he has a new partner, which may or may not last. It is very unlikely that anything you say will stop this relationship. You have told him how you feel and he has agreed you can take your mum’s belongings. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a year and many enter new relationships very early on as they don’t like being alone. It doesn’t matter if that’s a good reason or not, he is an adult and entitled to enter into relationships for whatever reason.
I also think you need to forget about inheriting the house. It could have been set up as tenants in common whereby your mum’s share could have been left separately to you but clearly that hasn’t happened and he is now sole owner. In any case, it may all go on care home fees eventually.
I get this is difficult for you but there is not anything that you can do to change it so need to accept it. This will take time as you are still processing this information.

[namechange30455]

I think a year is not an unreasonable amount of time tbh.

He's not told you for 6 months because he rightly assumed it would upset you.

I understand why as you are grieving but I think you are being quite unfair on him to be honest. If your stepdad had passed away would you have expected your mum to stay single for years afterwards?

[SoManyTshirts]

”He can have as many wives as he wants” … but apparently not? You only get one mum, and she isn’t a new mum for you. You aren’t going to get one, and you can keep your memories.

I’m longtime widowed and have since reached an age when many of my friends are widowers - I think you’re being ridiculous. Those with a good marriage behind them often look for a replacement relationship fastest.

Did you want him to be lonely? Having children and grandchildren is a consolation but no substitute for a partner.

[Forestfan24]

Sorry what your going through, losing your mum so quickly and other family members in such a short timeframe.

This on top must be hard to get your head around. As folks have said it doesn't mean your stepdad and your mums friend didn't love your mum any less. Some men do move on quickly as don't cope alone. Yes to me and you it seems insensitive but when would the time be right. Your stepdad too lost his wife very quickly too and imagine this was lonely and hard time for him.

You mums friend too is grieving and probably they have spent a lot off time together and feelings have grown. As said I would be upset too but would there ever be a right time, would it be easier if it wasn't your mums friend and a complete stranger? It's a hard one and I totally understand where your coming from buts it's not betrayal to your mum, it's just a timing issue

[Army85]

@JenniferBarkley

You're out of line calling her a slapper and criticising her for having children with multiple partners. She was your mum's friend, I doubt your mum would have spoken about her in such a way.

Your upset is perfectly understandable.

As others have said, it's normal for men who struggle to be alone. My dad died around the same time as your mum and I doubt my mum will see anyone else. Which in many ways is a shame, she's fit and healthy in her mid 60s, she deserves some happiness. If it had been the other way around, I think my dad may well have found another partner. I probably wouldn't have loved the idea, but I don't get a vote in how my parents run their lives.

When I say freind I mean acquaintance my mum did call her a scruff when she visited her house ...if I want to call her I will...if I see her I will tell her that to her face...

Not just upset...im fuming...confused...disgusted..

That's my point in the post...I hate the idea and that it was hidden from me for 6 months...I feel like he's basically cheated

[HoppingPavlova]

I will say, I knew of one case where the widow asked a woman on a date at his wife’s funeral. THAT’s moving on too soon (and distasteful). The time period you have referenced is entirely normal.