Hurt angry and confused

[Army85]

Sooooo here it goes...

My lovely funny mum died of cancer 18 months ago aged 54...she only had 6 weeks to live once diagnosed...she was at home and me my daughter and step dad looked after her there...

Me and my step dad have never really seen eye to eye but since my mum left he was there for me...as I lost my great nan a few months after my mum and then lost my nan (my mums mum ) 10 months after my mum...so the past 18 months have been extremely upsetting for me..

I suffer with bpd so my emotions are all over on a normal day..now I feel like I lost everything that was important to me

So 4 days ago my step dad calls round and drops a bombshell that he's been seeing one of my mum and his freinds for the past 6 months...the month of my mums first year anniversary of her death...

Please give me your thoughts...im absolutely broken..he's lied about it for 6months...I feel I can't accept this....iv told him how I feel...I did get an (im sorry text ) yesterday...but I feel its to soon...my mums things are still in the house..just little things like her coats and hairdryer and glasses...as I did sort out the wardrobes and make up etc a month after her funeral....

I feel betrayed and I can't believe he's done this to me and my daughter..I won't accept her..I feel like I should take the rest of my mums things from the house and leave him to it...he told me to go take them while he's at work..there doesn't seem to be any remorse

Just need all this pain to go

My dad died 11 years ago and my mum met a new partner within a year.

They have been together ever since.

I know my dad would not have wanted her to be unhappy, and if she had not been with her new partner she would've been alone all those years.

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable, I'm so sorry that you lost your mum and that you are still grieving for her but I think you have to think of his happiness as well.

It is very common for widowers to move on fairly quickly and it is particularly likely if they have had happy marriages.I think that he has tried to be respectful to you and your mother by waiting to tell you.Your feelings are your feelings of course and I think that anyone would sympathise but I don't think he has done anything wrong apart from looking for some happiness in his grief.

My mum moved in with my dad's best friend since childhood a year after my dad died.
They were together a year or so then he died too.

I understand it can be hard.

I think the best thing you can do is take a step back from him for your own sake.

I'm sorry for your losses and the pain you're going through but I think you're being overly harsh and out of line with your reaction and responses to your step dad.
He's allowed to move on when it feels right for him. He didn't or hadn't betrayed your DM.
I don't see how he lied. Perhaps he didn't want to mention it earlier until they were serious, perhaps he knew how you'd react.
None of your business how many children she has and with whom.....very judgemental and distasteful of you and no grieving doesn't excuse nasty behavior.

in all honesty he didn’t have to tell you anything he owns his own life. It is hurtful but ultimately he has a life too and has to live it in the manner he wants that is not something you get to decide.
You will never get over losing your mum but you will learn to look towards the happier times and feel lucky that you had her for any time at all.
He was always going to move on that doesn’t detract from the relationship he had with your mother and you would never of felt 100 per cent happy with it, but he is entitled to enjoy his life with a person of his choosing. If you want to maintain a relationship with him you need to rationalise this internally.

This is so awful, I'm very sorry for all your losses and now this bombshell.
It could be that he was seeing the new woman casually and it wasn't a real relationship to declare to anyone until now.
I think your idea about getting your mum's things from his house is a good one. You haven't had a deep relationship with him anyway, this might help you move on

I'm very sorry for all your losses.
I get how you feel about this. It must be so hard for you.
At the same time as others have said it is probably loneliness on his part and not about devaluing his love for your mum. He's not been unfaithful and maybe this is just how he's coped.
Try to accept it if you can, and keep a relationship going if he means something to you.

Sounds like therapy should be the next thing for you. You sound like you def need it.

I know two men (both now in their late 80s/ early 90s) who were very happily married but moved on very quickly when their wives died.

In one case, the dying wife apparently suggested to her husband that he marry the woman concerned (her husband had recently died and the two couples had been good friends for years).

I find it hard to imagine doing the same, and I know some of their closest relatives were hurt by it, but it seems to be quite common.

Op so sorry for your loss you are clearly heartbroken but nobody knows how your stepfather is feeling except him. I really do understand how you feel about the timing of this new relationship and the fact that he did not tell you but as pp have said he probably did it to spare your feelings. That said he was maybe looking for a companion not a partner and it developed into a partnership people cannot help their feelings. Did your mum leave a will if not I really do think you need to talk to him about finances. Of course your mum would want you and your daughter to be looked after financially and not let sd fritter it away.
I am so sorry you are going through this my lovely sorry I cannot give any better advice xx

Sorry for the loss of you mum, that is devastating and doesn't take a year to get over. I've found the loss of a parent is something I can never expect to get over or be okay with but it time is a healer.

You might benefit from having some therapy to try and detabgle the two issues. Your grief and his. He is entitled to find happiness again and is not obligated to tell you anything of his first or second or third date, so 6 months seems like a sensible amount of time to get to know each other before making it public.

You sound bitter and rude when you call her a slapper. You say you have bpd so its likely because of that. Try not to make this about you and be happy for him, that after the shock amd grief of losing his partner he has been able to move on with his life - after all he is not the one who has died and life is for living.

Do you have your own partner and family? You sound in a lot of pain and very angry that he is not. Well he might be deep down but he's choosing to behave im a different way to you - one that you do not approve of. YABU and need to back off and leave them to their relationship while you work on your own mental health and grief. Good luck OP.

OP can you blame him for not telling you given your reaction here? He had to tell you at some point but waited till the relationship was established. He didn’t want to give you these feelings you find difficult until his new relationship was more solid.

He hasn’t cheated and it’s not really for you to dictate how or for how long people grieve.

You are in pain at losing your mum and lashing out at people who haven’t actually done anything wrong.

I’ve got BPD as well and it’s not an excuse to behave spitefully and childishly. You’re understandably grieving for your mum, and I’m sure he is too, but he can’t put his life on hold forever. They haven’t done anything wrong. You need to learn to regulate your emotions better.