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Bereavement

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Original poster

Hurt angry and confused

63 replies

Army85 · 13/05/2022 09:08

Sooooo here it goes...

My lovely funny mum died of cancer 18 months ago aged 54...she only had 6 weeks to live once diagnosed...she was at home and me my daughter and step dad looked after her there...

Me and my step dad have never really seen eye to eye but since my mum left he was there for me...as I lost my great nan a few months after my mum and then lost my nan (my mums mum ) 10 months after my mum...so the past 18 months have been extremely upsetting for me..

I suffer with bpd so my emotions are all over on a normal day..now I feel like I lost everything that was important to me

So 4 days ago my step dad calls round and drops a bombshell that he's been seeing one of my mum and his freinds for the past 6 months...the month of my mums first year anniversary of her death...

Please give me your thoughts...im absolutely broken..he's lied about it for 6months...I feel I can't accept this....iv told him how I feel...I did get an (im sorry text ) yesterday...but I feel its to soon...my mums things are still in the house..just little things like her coats and hairdryer and glasses...as I did sort out the wardrobes and make up etc a month after her funeral....

I feel betrayed and I can't believe he's done this to me and my daughter..I won't accept her..I feel like I should take the rest of my mums things from the house and leave him to it...he told me to go take them while he's at work..there doesn't seem to be any remorse

Just need all this pain to go

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 13/05/2022 11:07

He hasn't cheated, hasn't lied to you and hasn't done anything to you and your daughter. In short, from what you have written, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Lolllllllllllll · 13/05/2022 11:11

I'm sorry for your losses. It must be so difficult for you.
I think a year is long enough. He must have known the woman for much longer.
My brothers wife died when he was fairly young and he met and started dating someone within six months. He said he was surprised it happened but it did and it was the right thing to do. He 100% still loved his first wife and it was in no way a reflection of his love for her that he started dating someone so soon.
Luckily he had everyone's blessing.
I think you are unreasonable to be so angry with him but it's understandable that you are upset.

Lolllllllllllll · 13/05/2022 11:13

He really hasn't 'cheated'

MaudieandMe · 13/05/2022 11:19

Sorry you are struggling with so much grief. It must feel very hard for you most days.

However, I think you know you're being unreasonable towards your step dad.

Both my parents have been dead for many years now but my dad went first and mum was alone and very lonely for about 15 years afterwards until she died. If she'd said she'd met someone and was dating even 6 weeks after dad died, I'd have been delighted for her.

Feeling lonely and coming to terms with the death of your partner is very hard and if they find comfort from someone else, why is that a bad thing? It isn't going to hurt your mum.

Subbaxeo · 13/05/2022 11:24

Like the other posters, I think he hasn’t done anything wrong. He kept it quiet out of respect for you. My best friend’s mum was remarried within a year after her husband died. She said she’s been lucky enough to marry 2 marvellous men. I couldn’t imagine my friend being so horrible about it.

Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:38

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2022 11:07

I will say, I knew of one case where the widow asked a woman on a date at his wife’s funeral. THAT’s moving on too soon (and distasteful). The time period you have referenced is entirely normal.

Sick individual he was

Well seems normal for men apparently on this forum

OP posts:
Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:40

Nearlythere72 · 13/05/2022 10:52

My dad met my step mum within a similar time frame, after the death of my mum. They ended up being happily married for 25 years until my step mum died. Whilst it seemed soon it was not a reflection on his feelings for my mum and I could never have denied him a second chance of happiness.

I'm not entirely sure what there is for you to forgive.

The lies and hiding it from me

OP posts:
Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:42

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2022 10:59

That’s not fast for a man. They tend to move on quickly as they (in general) are extremely dependant in a woman, especially if they have been with one for some time.

I have decades on you and have numerous stories of men moving on extremely quickly after death or divorce. Completely normal.

You are taking your grief out on normal people in a normal situation.

Thank u

OP posts:
FAQs · 13/05/2022 11:44

Maybe he didn’t say anything incase it didn’t work out and therefore would have caused you unnecessary stress. Sorry for all your losses, I hope you have some support.

JackieQueen · 13/05/2022 11:45

Sorry for your loss op. If this woman is still married as you say, I'm wondering what her husband makes of it all!

Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:47

Forestfan24 · 13/05/2022 11:04

Sorry what your going through, losing your mum so quickly and other family members in such a short timeframe.

This on top must be hard to get your head around. As folks have said it doesn't mean your stepdad and your mums friend didn't love your mum any less. Some men do move on quickly as don't cope alone. Yes to me and you it seems insensitive but when would the time be right. Your stepdad too lost his wife very quickly too and imagine this was lonely and hard time for him.

You mums friend too is grieving and probably they have spent a lot off time together and feelings have grown. As said I would be upset too but would there ever be a right time, would it be easier if it wasn't your mums friend and a complete stranger? It's a hard one and I totally understand where your coming from buts it's not betrayal to your mum, it's just a timing issue

Thank you
I think a stranger would be easier as it gives everyone a chance to get to no that person...im extremely hurt and confused

OP posts:
AMegaPint · 13/05/2022 11:49

He has not cheated!!
A year isn't too soon at all. So you would rather be was permanently grieving and alone, than in a happy relationship? No offence but your mum isn't coming back, presumably your step father is also in his mid to late 50's and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. He's perfectly entitled to move on with his life.

My dad died 2 years ago in June. I'd love my step mum to meet someone now my dad is not longer there. She lives on her own in a small village, which can be quite lonely at times. I would never begrudge her moving on with her life. It does not mean she loved my dad any less!

You're being really unfair and judgemental about this lady having children with several people and being 'a scruff'. Your comments and attitude towards this lady are actually pretty nasty and there is no need for name calling! You don't need to need to 'tell her to her face' You're behaving like a spoilt child here and that needs to stop. It won't help the way you feel and it won't do anything to repair the relationship with your step father.

Suggest you seek some form of therapy for the loss of your mum and your feelings of resentment. Instead of taking it out on your stepfather and his girlfriend.

Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:49

JackieQueen · 13/05/2022 11:45

Sorry for your loss op. If this woman is still married as you say, I'm wondering what her husband makes of it all!

Apparently she's going to divorce him

What a mess

OP posts:
Neverendingmindfuck · 13/05/2022 11:50

You really are going through the wringer emotionally OP and I completely empathise with you because I have several deaths in a short period of time too.
One thing I do know is that grief has not made me particularly rational sometimes. I am only just recognising this and checking my thoughts with people I trust before I react to emotive situations (of which there are alot for me right now).
I would very gently suggest some grief counselling.
I am not saying that will change how you feel about the situation with your step father but hopefully it will help you understand the process you're going through.
My step mother got with a new man 5 weeks after my father died. I was an adult, she never raised me, but I liked her. She was younger than my father, I thought maybe she wanted an opportunity to try for a child before it was too late.
I met the man, he seemed nice. We met a few times (step mother was known to dc as gp) then one day she just stopped communicating.
Shame, my dc missed her.

Original poster
Army85 · 13/05/2022 11:51

AMegaPint · 13/05/2022 11:49

He has not cheated!!
A year isn't too soon at all. So you would rather be was permanently grieving and alone, than in a happy relationship? No offence but your mum isn't coming back, presumably your step father is also in his mid to late 50's and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. He's perfectly entitled to move on with his life.

My dad died 2 years ago in June. I'd love my step mum to meet someone now my dad is not longer there. She lives on her own in a small village, which can be quite lonely at times. I would never begrudge her moving on with her life. It does not mean she loved my dad any less!

You're being really unfair and judgemental about this lady having children with several people and being 'a scruff'. Your comments and attitude towards this lady are actually pretty nasty and there is no need for name calling! You don't need to need to 'tell her to her face' You're behaving like a spoilt child here and that needs to stop. It won't help the way you feel and it won't do anything to repair the relationship with your step father.

Suggest you seek some form of therapy for the loss of your mum and your feelings of resentment. Instead of taking it out on your stepfather and his girlfriend.

I already stated I suffer with bpd
I dont need therapy to get over my mum...I will never get over losing her !!!!

OP posts:
AMegaPint · 13/05/2022 11:56

Why did you bother posting if your just going to ignorantly shout down any poster who tells you you're being unreasonable?

If you bothered to read my post properly, I never said therapy to 'get over your mum'. It could actually help you process your feelings though rather than this total over reaction to your step father daring to have a life.

Having BPD does not excuse your behaviour and uncalled for comments about this woman.

!!!!

KatherineJaneway · 13/05/2022 11:59

You have suffered a lot of pain and loss and he has been there for you.

I can understand why you feel he cheated but from an impartial point of view, I'd say he kept it quiet to spare your feelings in case the relationship did not last rather than being devious. I don't think a year is too short a timeline. The time taken before someone dates after a loss is not a reflection of how much they loved the other person.

You clearly dislike her life choices but the question is, is he happy? He has suffered a loss too and maybe he is lonely.

dotdotdotdash · 13/05/2022 12:01

Like others have said, I'm so sorry for your loss and I see you are clearly still grieving and feeling very upset.

However, you don't get to decide what is a decent period of grieving for other people. Your stepdad has his own life to lead. He may not have mentioned the relationship to you, but you don't have rights to know about other people's private lives. It's a fairly short time to be seeking a new partner, but it's not unreasonable!

Mischance · 13/05/2022 12:04

AS others have said, I suspect that he was trying to spare you any upset by not telling you about this relationship until it felt more secure.

Are you worried about legacies? I think it would be entirely in order to talk with him about this.

thesugarbumfairy · 13/05/2022 12:11

what namechange30455 said.
I understand you're hurt because he lied and you think its too soon
BUT
He probably lied because he was worried about you knowing. Because he was worried about your reaction. Because he cares about you. I say 'probably' because none of us can really know the reason but him. However he hasn't cheated on anyone. He hasn't betrayed anyone. He wasn't 'found out' - he actually made the decision to come over and tell you - because he felt it was time you knew and probably felt guilty because he knew you'd be so unhappy about it. Also 'why keep her things when he's moved on' - well just because he's moved on - doesn't mean he didn't love your mum, doesn't mean he's 'over her'. Or it could just mean he can't be arsed because a lot of folk find it too overwhelming to sort out. Again. I don't know.

Whether or not you think its too soon - its none of your business. My step-mum started seeing someone 6 months after my dad died. She was absolutely devoted to my dad and nursed him for half a decade after he became ill. She was devastated to lose him. She was also very lonely and looking for companionship. So she started seeing the first bloke who asked her out. Since then she has seen a few men, but she readily admits none of them are 'right' . She just wants the company. FWIW we are still close although I don't see her often because of distance. I will never begrudge what happiness she has.

I'm glad you get to write this all down and get it all out. You do sound like you are having a tantrum and being unnecessarily vicious about this woman BUT its understandable with BPD. Your step dad is still young though. If this other woman is making him happy, then good for him. I hope you have someone in real life to talk to about it.

3peassuit · 13/05/2022 12:17

There’s an old saying “ women mourn, men replace”. I’ve seen that happen in 2 cases recently. You’re stepfather has done nothing wrong but I do understand your unease.

myuterusistryingtokillme · 13/05/2022 12:31

I'm really sorry for your losses, and while I can fully understand why you feel as you do, he hasn't done anything wrong and you are being unfair.

You say it feels as if he cheated, but he didn't and you just can't expect him to put his life on hold until you're ready.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 13/05/2022 13:33

@Army85 have ranted extensively about my situation on the thread below yours.

Sorry you are getting so little understanding from people who haven't been in your position. I feel I have had a mini nervous breakdown over the past couple of months. Have had to reevaluate so many things. Realising that my father is not to be trusted has been devastating.

This woman doesn't have a good track record on steady relationships. My advice is to bite your tongue and see what happens. Ignore the politically correct brigage. For every entitled d*ckhead man there has to be an enabling slapper woman.

Keep your cool with step father. Come here to rant. What do you have in the way of family, aunts/uncles or siblings? Are you close to anyone in step father's family? There is a strength in keeping your counsel in public.

In your position, my priority would be establishing what rights I have. What did your mum's will say? I would be looking for free legal advice, eg Citizen's Advice or a group who specialise in family law.

Steamoutmyears · 13/05/2022 13:39

The only thing he's done wrong is the timing. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad is grieving too in his own way.

ImAvingOops · 13/05/2022 13:45

I agree with you OP. I think it's totally skanky behaviour. It's a shame your mum didn't protect her share of the house for you - I'd be gutted to see my mum's money wasted on her husband's new partner.