For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Thinking of you all. I’m really missing my mum tonight. Approaching her first anniversary. Every time something goes wrong, or I’m feeling sad, it just makes me want her even more.
Big hugs to everyone. Xxx

Thanks for all your kind words. I’ve got more used to going onto the ward now. I sat down in the corridor and cried when I came out the first time. There’s an old lady in the room now, with lots of cards and pictures etc up, so it looks different. A lot of the nurses remember us, dad was on there for 10,weeks and my husband was on there for 6 weeks a few years ago. There’s a lot going on with my husband and we have lots of animals to look after, my mum to care for and a small business to keep afloat, so I haven’t got too much time to dwell. I sometimes think it will all catch up with me one day in the future. I’ve lost my best friend, two beloved dogs and my horse of a lifetime in the last five years, and nearly my husband once, as well as my wonderful dad. Plus got made redundant after 23 years. Plus I’ve been caring for my mum for three years. I feel like I’m swimming at the top of a whirlpool constantly. Not going down myself, but everything else is. I’m just used to horrible things happening. It’s almost normal for my life. I don’t get much fun at the moment. I’m hanging on trying to tell myself that things will get better sometime. If you believe in karma I must have really been awful in a previous life!

Sorry! Don’t know where that came from!

You’re coping with a huge amount @Honeyroar - that must be so unbelievably tough for you. Please don’t entertain any thoughts of karma, though! Life can just throw awful things at random sometimes. I’m really sorry.

I've found out tonight youngest DS has been texting my Dads phone. It utterly breaks my heart.

Just as you think you are doing ok that wave of grief hits and it's not just my loss, it's the loss others feel too.

Sorry that sounded like a “woe is me” rant. I was just having a moment!

You're allowed a rant! Flipping heck, you really are with all that you have going on

@Bluemat that must have been so tough. When we buried Dad's ashes, my girls were all distraught and I had to be strong for them instead of collapsing in a heap like I really wanted to. I feel a responsibility to make sure that they're OK and it's a bit overwhelming at times.

@Honeyroar rant away. It's better out than in

DH has had some abdominal surgery so is slowly recovering and yet again I'm carrying the burden of work, home, garden, dogs... I'm starting to feel incredibly run down with everything that's gone on this year and not sure how on earth to go about changing it because right now, I just can't. This is going to be a long 6 weeks

You sound in the same boat @Badger1970 ! I just keep thinking that this has got to stop sometime. And trying to focus on what is good, memories that make me smile rather than cry..

Awwh how incredibly sad but still finding a wat to communicate in his or her own way. This is normal i used to call my mums mobile and leave her voice messages, i just really wanted to hear her voice. I also used to text her but i have stopped doing that after about a year. Actually a few months ago i called my mums mobile just to hear her answer machine message and her number is disconnected. That has taken over 2 years but the number is now gone 💔

DH and I have just been out to dinner.
A couple in their 80’s came in and sat beside us. We got chatting and I was talking about our impending move to a bungalow as we didn’t want to be in my parents position at their age with a beautiful home but no longer suitable for them and their disabilities.

I suddenly realised how much I miss mum and dad. Dad died last September and mum in feb this year.

Im dealing with selling not only our home, but theirs too.

I came out of the restaurant and sobbed.
I miss them so much 💔

@Borntobeamum it's just the odd things, isn't it, where you get that punch into the stomach and it still winds you. You've lost 2 parents very close together, I can't even begin to imagine that feeling

I took some flowers off Dad's memorial stone the other evening as they'd gone over, and I was just stood there thinking this is all that's left. A whole life just gone, and a box left in the ground. It's really unsettling.

Warning: emotional info-dump follows (no need to reply just needed to say it!)

(I've posted before about my Mother dying last year, my Partner dying last year & now my Adoptive Mother has been dx'd with breast cancer)

My 2nd Mother (really my only Mother, emotionally) has her surgery on Friday.
I was driving y'day with my Dd (15, ASD) & I was trying not to cry. I didn't think Dd had seen. I'd mentioned before we set off that I wanted to pop in for 15m to a small Art show but it was a very hot day & we were tired & I knew she wanted home asap. To my surprise Dd suggested we go for 10 mins, 'on the way home'.

When we were there the artist spoke to Dd (usually problematic as she becomes nonverbal under stress due to her ASD). The woman looked at us both & asked: 'are you related?' I knew Dd couldn't speak so I would usually reply in these situations. Dd is currently 'not sure if she is trans' so I was thinking how to reply without saying: 'this is my Dd: X'. the artist then gave Dd a peircing look & said: 'ah, you are - is it painful?' :0 (she later said pretty direct things to other folk).

Now due to my difficult relationship with my own Mother I was a bit chocked that a stranger might pick up on any poss problems between me & Dd. But I 'heard' the voice of my Adoptive Mother (the one having surgery on Friday) saying: 'remember, if your Dd is secure enough that she can smirk / be a normal teenager then you are doing something right'. This gave me the courage to ask Dd what she had thought of the odd comment. Dd (who can be very direct too, due to the ASD) said: 'well, yes, sometimes it is painful you being my Mum, but I expect it is with everyones Mum. Mostly its really good'. My 'floodgates' are not very strong atm as I cope with the death of my Mother, my Partner, my Adoptive Mum's cancer dx, My Ds possibly going off to Uni soon & my Dd growing up too (as she should). But they well & truley opened at that point (fortunately Dd nodded off in the warm car so I had a private sob going home): as you were!

@medianewbiejust to say that I'm exactly the same - my floodgates are bugger all defence to me right now.

I hope your adoptive Mum is recovering well. Keep on keeping on.

I dreamt about my Dad again last night. It's weird because in my dreams he either survived the heart attack or is ill and we know he is going to pass, but we are aware of it so making memories/spending time together.

I know that people having an illness/long drawn out death is also horrific, but I think because my Dad suddenly died with no prior warning I think I dream alot of being able to tell him just how much he meant to me. Again, it's weird because even though I was very close to him and we got along brilliantly when we saw eachother (mainly weekly), I did not speak to him on the phone that much and I think that will be my biggest life regret. I definitely did not appreciate him to the maximum when he was here and that upsets me so much.

@Namechange1377

I remember feeling that way about my mum and i still do to a certain extent but it is a less powerful feeling, less consumption. I recall wishing that i had been more patient, kinder and gave her more of my time. Its a horrible feeling but it does fade in time. Eventually you start to let go of these feelings. My mum was a complicated person with chronic mental health issues and sometimes i found it hard to be patient with her, don't get me wrong i had her back, all the time but i think i could have been better but what can u do, u can't change anything and am sure that your dad knew how much u loved him (love him). Try to cut yourself a bit of slack (i know its not easy) but just think to yourself. What would your dad say to you, do you think that he would want you to upset yourself . Sorry i didn't know him but i would imagine that he wouldn't want you upsetting yourself. One day you will let go of this feeling and you will see the love that was there but in the meantime just know that what you are feeling is normal part of grieving.

Ok i want to share something on here that am really struggling to get past. Whilst my mum was dying in hospital i had a falling out with my aunt and uncle basically i asked if they could give us space to be alone with mum in her last days. We were allowed just 3 people in the room with mum and we were already rotating between myself, my sister, my dad and my niece who my mum practically raised.

After a week of trying to rotate 7 people we hit a final straw when my uncle asked my sister who had just arrived at the hospital if she could wait to see mum until he had another half an hour and he had been in the room for hours. My sister left crying and in anger i asked to speak with them privately and ask if they could leave us to be with mum.

My aunt started shouting at me and
to cut a long story short we all fell out. Since mum died i have seen them a few times but i feel terribly guilty for what i said to them. I have apologised and we are now talking but i really feel that am not worthy of their time/love. I feel like the shitiest person on the planet. It has been over 2 years but I still cannot forgive myself for shutting them out 😞

@Ttc42nearly43

It sounds like it was such a stressful time. And juggling 7 people’s needs must have sent you over the edge. I am sure your uncle and aunt understand. If my niece or nephew had done this I would ultimately understand that they were just upset and under a lot of stress. Go easy on yourself.

When it was my mum it was just me, my dad and my brother. Mum wouldn’t have wanted anyone else in the room. She didn’t want her grandchildren. My DS was heart broken that he never got to say goodbye.

@Cocopogo
At the time I kept thinking that i knew my mum would have wanted me, my sister and my dad there. I don't know why i keep beating myself up about it, it still haunts me to this day that we shut them out its guilt such a horrible feeling. I just feel that why would they even want to talk to me after that 😔

@Ttc42nearly43 If it was my brother and his children said this to me I would understand. Tbh I wouldn’t have been there in the first place as I’d have known those final days are just for immediate family only.
You did what your mum wanted and that’s all that matters. You have to let it go. When my time comes I wouldn't want anyone there that I didn’t feel 100% comfortable around.

@Cocopogo
Thank you for your reply am trying to let it go its hard tho even 2+ years on am still haunted by those days in the hospital with mum. All the meetings with the drs begging them to save her and being told there was nothing more that they could do mayne the guilt comes from not being able to save my mum.

@Ttc42nearly43 it’s so hard isn’t it. I’m only a few months in and the guilt of what I could have done is so hard. My mum was in this awful room that was like 30 degrees, it was so hot and was making her struggle to breathe more and so lethargic. I begged them to move her to somewhere more comfortable but they said there were no other beds but I wish i’d just fought that bit harder for her. I kept asking her if she wanted to go home, I should have just told her I was taking her home but she’d always been the matriarch, what she said, in our house, went, no arguments so when she said no I left it but I should have realised how much the heat and everything was affecting her and utterly awful it felt that the next time I took her home was in an urn.

It's my 31st birthday eve and I feel like I'm drowning I feel so heavy this always happen at every occasion, Christmas, her anniversary, birthdays the day or so before it starts building like a black cloud . I feel so sad the woman who brought me into this world should be here I feel so young to not have a mum.

I'm having quite the wobble at the moment :( I live quite far from my parents house and this time last year (last day of term) my dad drove up to pick up my son for a week their house. My son was so excited about going to Nana's house in Grandads car, he was his usual fit and healthy self. I would never have believed he would be dead in 2 months.

I get that a lot. The hospital were awful with my dad. My friend’s dad is currently in hospital and they’re insisting on staying over at night because they don’t feel he’s getting looked after properly. I had no idea you could do that. Might it have been better if I had…? Etc.

My husband is still on the ward dad died in last summer. At one point they offered to move my husband into a side room. He said no. It would’ve been the one that dad died in. It still breaks my heart walking past each day.