Page 28 | For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

Bowie16 · 20/04/2023 19:22

Hi all. My lovely dad died in Jan. He was in his 70s so I shouldn’t feel like I do. I know that in the scheme of things this is just life and that I was lucky to have him for so long.His end was awful, painful and distressing and I have flashbacks. I suppose I just want to know if this is normal? How long will it take for me to feel normal?

Honeyroar · 20/04/2023 22:07

AllBellyandBoobs · 18/04/2023 23:51

I'm two months on from mum's death and I still feel fairly numb to it all. I have cleared her house and put it on the market, sent off for probate, sold her car. It feels like every day is another action to erase her from my life, and yet I still keep calmly plodding on. I have cried, and I have spent hours in bed on some days, but all very steady. Very different to when my dad died, but his death was sudden and unexpected and I was at a very different stage in my life.

Occasionally I get a sense of falling into a massive hole and I stop myself from letting that happen. Life without either parent in it just seems too massive to deal with.

Sorry, but I thought you had to wait for probate to sell their property? You’re doing so well. I’m not as far on as you and it’s been six months.

AllBellyandBoobs · 20/04/2023 22:15

@Honeyroar you do to sell it, but not to market it. We don't expect issues with having probate granted as it is a simple estate - unless we have filled something out incorrectly! I don't/didn't want to do any of this as it feels like I am just erasing her, but I didn't want it hanging over me either. I think once all the 'admin' is done, I'll be able to sit more easily with her absence. If that makes any sense at all.

Badger1970 · 21/04/2023 13:23

@Bowie16 I'm 3 months on from Dad's death and the horror of his last month is slowly fading. I'm not sure that I'll get over seeing someone die so unkindly but the reality is that I can't change it.

It's the good memories now that make me really sad if that makes sense.

Cococrab · 22/04/2023 04:10

I started clearing out my Mum's sewing room. My Grandma passed away not long before and her house completed 3 weeks before my Mum passed away. Everything from Grandma's house had been shoved into the sewing room before my Mum's funeral. It's only a small room but you couldn't see from one side to the other.

My Dad had crammed everything in there. I had assumed her sewing things were put away. But my Grandma's stuff was actually piled like a wall around her desk. Her sewing machine pulled out, abandoned mid job. A pile of cut out pieces of a project on one side, sewn pieces on the other and a pinned piece in front of it waiting to be sewn. Her weekly calendar had a note of how much fabric she needed to buy. There was fabric pinned to her dressmaking mannequin and sketches of dresses in her notebook. I guess she was starting to plan a new pattern just at the point her cancer spread.

Of everything that's hurt since my Mum died this hurt the most.

In the days immediately after I kept repeating in my head "where are you?, where are you?". I know she's dead but some silly part of my brain is still scanning around looking for her like a lost kid in the supermarket. Putting away her sewing things felt like erasing the memory that she was here. It needed to be done but it's hard to accept its even happening.

Cococrab · 22/04/2023 04:26

@Bowie16 I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter how old or young he was, he's your Dad. Seeing your Dad die in pain is unbelievably traumatic and flashbacks are a completely normal response to trauma.

It's 4 months since my Mum died and like your Dad her death was painful. I had awful flashbacks almost constantly the first couple of months. Theyre still happening but it's not as intrusive anymore. I found talking to a therapist and learning about how our brains process trauma has helped me to feel less crazy. I don't know if it's that or just time passing but the flashbacks are less frequent and more fuzzy than before.

AllBellyandBoobs · 22/04/2023 11:35

@Cococrab that made me well up. For someone with no connection to you and your mum, that conjured a beautiful image of a vibrant, busy, and happy woman. I can see why it was so difficult for you. Those things we come across that are a snapshot of our loved ones actually living are the the hardest to deal with aren't they?

Whiterose23 · 22/04/2023 12:02

@Cococrab that really resonated with me and I can picture a vibrant women sitting at her sewing table surrounded by her projects.

My mum knitted and clearing away her unfinished work was heartbreaking knowing that she’d never knit again.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2023 21:25

AllBellyandBoobs · 20/04/2023 22:15

@Honeyroar you do to sell it, but not to market it. We don't expect issues with having probate granted as it is a simple estate - unless we have filled something out incorrectly! I don't/didn't want to do any of this as it feels like I am just erasing her, but I didn't want it hanging over me either. I think once all the 'admin' is done, I'll be able to sit more easily with her absence. If that makes any sense at all.

Ah, I see.

ive had two friends who got probate granted within two months recently. Both were uncomplicated estates. My dad’s is a bit more complicated. The solicitor thinks it could take a while. I don’t know if I want it to go through quickly or not.

Sonotokay · 22/04/2023 22:17

I’m so sorry for everyone here. I’m not coping well today. I want my daddy back.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2023 22:25

It’s horrible, isn’t it. I’m surprisingly ok most of the time. More than I expected. Then some days it bowls in. I have some Live Photo’s on my iPhone. If I hold the photos they speak/move for a moment. There’s one of him in hospital and he says something jokey, like he did. I play it so much and it often makes me bawl.

Sonotokay · 22/04/2023 22:30

I can’t look at photos. I’ll not hear him speak again. I feel I let him down. He must have been frightened.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2023 22:42

I can tell by these two small posts you’ve written that you didn’t let him down. That you loved him. I think it’s natural to feel that. I do too sometimes. I should have fought harder for him when he was in hospital. But really I know that I did try. And I hope he knew.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2023 22:42

You just have to keep plodding on, I guess.

Sonotokay · 22/04/2023 23:26

Yes, I guess x

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/04/2023 08:04

I've not been great since what would have been Dads birthday last week. Teary and not sleeping and I've broken out on spots which my therapist said was a sign of stress.

Also keep having intrusive thoughts about my Mum dying which I struggle to shut down. I will be seeing her next weekend hope this will help.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/04/2023 08:52

Honeyroar · 22/04/2023 22:25

It’s horrible, isn’t it. I’m surprisingly ok most of the time. More than I expected. Then some days it bowls in. I have some Live Photo’s on my iPhone. If I hold the photos they speak/move for a moment. There’s one of him in hospital and he says something jokey, like he did. I play it so much and it often makes me bawl.

When I went into hospital with my Dad he was feeling so much better after they put him on oxygen and gave him some meds, I've got a photo of him waving from his bed as I left at 2am to go get some rest. I look back at it and think about how none of us realised he would be dead a few days later, we thought he was on the way to recovery then!

My Mum has a lot of guilt associated with his hospital stay, she askes me on a weekly basis if he knew he was dying and if we should have pressured the hospital staff not to put him on Palliative care. He had advanced cancer and there was nothing anyone could do but she is really struggling to move on from it. I think guilt is a topic that's been covered in a bereavement group she is attending but I know its going to take time for her. We need to be kind to ourselves over things that are out of our control.

Sohereitissuddenly · 23/04/2023 11:01

My Dad died on 25 March. I've just got home after the funeral this week. My parents live/lived a long way away. The limbo between his sudden illness and death and the funeral was awful but I feel absolutely lost this morning. I don't know how to go back to 'normal'. It was hard driving away yesterday from my mum.

I feel untethered.

@LivingDeadGirlUK hospital is awful. In theory, my Dad had palliative care but it was terrible. He did know he was dying and was frightened. It was chaotic. I had to fight hard to even get him a private room. I feel and my Mum feels quite traumatised by the experience. But at end of life, with advanced cancer, palliative care is needed to manage the pain. I feel so sad for my Dad. He didn't deserve the ending he had. I feel heartbroken about it.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/04/2023 14:40

Sohereitissuddenly · 23/04/2023 11:01

My Dad died on 25 March. I've just got home after the funeral this week. My parents live/lived a long way away. The limbo between his sudden illness and death and the funeral was awful but I feel absolutely lost this morning. I don't know how to go back to 'normal'. It was hard driving away yesterday from my mum.

I feel untethered.

@LivingDeadGirlUK hospital is awful. In theory, my Dad had palliative care but it was terrible. He did know he was dying and was frightened. It was chaotic. I had to fight hard to even get him a private room. I feel and my Mum feels quite traumatised by the experience. But at end of life, with advanced cancer, palliative care is needed to manage the pain. I feel so sad for my Dad. He didn't deserve the ending he had. I feel heartbroken about it.

I've been trying to write a letter of complaint about Dads end of life care for 6 months now, I'm so sorry that you have gone through similar treatment.

Sohereitissuddenly · 23/04/2023 16:29

@LivingDeadGirlUK I too want to write to the hospital. Their patients liaison service told me they wouldn't discuss with me because my mum is next of kin and needed her permission. Mum doesn't want to know I don't think.

I'm sorry for you too.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/04/2023 18:35

Sohereitissuddenly · 23/04/2023 16:29

@LivingDeadGirlUK I too want to write to the hospital. Their patients liaison service told me they wouldn't discuss with me because my mum is next of kin and needed her permission. Mum doesn't want to know I don't think.

I'm sorry for you too.

I was also going to write to the local MP, maybe that is something you could do?

ButnotforLola · 23/04/2023 18:35

Badger1970 · 17/04/2023 21:11

How's everyone doing? Still wading through quicksand here and waiting for the pain to ease. I'm really shocked and sad that we're hurtling towards the end of the 3rd month without Dad. It still feels like yesterday, and equally a lifetime away. Thankfully the horror of the nursing home is fading but I need to face the awful task of writing a complaint. I just don't feel strong enough still at the moment. I tried to put a photo of Dad out yesterday and had to put it away again as it just made me cry ever time I looked at it.

It's just over 3 months now and I'm really struggling.
When I start to cry, it is so physical. Almost takes my breath away.
So much to sort out; his business, his very poorly sister, his house and all his personal interests.
Work has gone from ok to an absolute disaster. Almost wondering if I'm being performance managed out. Actually got told off this week for saying to a colleague that "I'm getting there" when she specifically asked how I was relating to Dad passing away.
Had an opticians appointment yesterday and she asked if I'd been crying a lot recently. I explained and she opened up her emergency stash of sweeties - started me off again

I need a duvet day and a hug from Dad.

grosslyunfair · 23/04/2023 20:48

I'm so so sorry to hear of all your horrible hospital experiences. I can't imagine how hard it is. My mum died very suddenly but in her sleep. We found her and it was in a funny way a big comfort that she looked so peaceful- so much so that it was hard to believe she wasn't going to wake up. I don't believe she suffered or even knew what was happening and while it was hard on us I think it was a good outcome for her- I know from other experiences that there are much worse ends.

I'm so sorry for your suffering and I hope you get some resolution. I'm still struggling with my loss and I can hear you all are. I hope you all get some answers from these bodies that help a bit, although none of them will take the end away xxx

Sonotokay · 23/04/2023 21:15

Thank you all for being here. I’m sorry you are though. It’s reassuring to hear of a peaceful death. That’s what I wish for my loved ones and myself.

Fedupofdiets · 23/04/2023 21:42

Please can I join you? My Dad on Thursday last week of multi organ failure due to sepsis. His death was horrific, he had suffered for many months prior due to necrotic wounds on his feet. I had to push to get him into hospital and at no point did a single healthcare professional tell us what was happening. He was shoved onto a side ward and then rushed to ICU and died before we could get to him. His skin was mottled, he kept saying he was dying, he was agitated and kept trying to get out of the bed. I am sure the SEPSIS policy was not adhered to. We were in the relatives room for 6 hours on ICU and not a single staff member came to see us. I am utterly bereft as I am a nurse and feel I have let him down so badly. Why didnt I shout louder for him? He was still warm when we got there and we held him and told him how much we loved him. We are all heart broken.

Ironically my passion as a nurse has always been around end of life care and trying my utter best to give people a peaceful death knowing how much comfort that can bring to their loved ones. Well I have truly fucked up with my own father. Utterly bereft. I will speak to PALS when I am up to it but I almost don't want to know the truth.