For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@FerreroRocherAreAmazing

Goodness that is traumatic so sorry this happened to your mum. My mum died at just 66 years old which to me feels way too young i still through i had many many years left with my mum but after a short illness she was gone with in 11 days. She had a cellulitis infection in her leg, medical assistant wasn't sought quickly enough, she died of kidney failure due to sepsis. Absolutely devastated. Loosing your mum is like loosing part of yourself 💔

Just popping in to say a very sad and solemn hello to the new joiners.

I'm so sorry for each and everyone of you who are going through this.

I'm a bit further down the line now (2.5 years since my wonderful mum's very sudden and unexpected death, she literally collapsed at home and despite CPR being given she never came back).

It's changed every fibre of my being. I'm not, and will never be, the person I was before. I carry a sadness and a darkness now. That will never go away. But I am also comforted by happy memories and the knowledge that my mum loved me every single moment of my life, whilst she was here. She was my champion and she shaped my strength, my positivity and my ability to see good, even at the darkest of times.

I heard this quote somewhere "her love for you was absolute" and it makes me think of my mum. Her love gave me the foundations to survive my grief

My love for her was and always will also be absolute. There is no love like a love between mother and daughter.

It will be my 3rd Mother's day without my beloved mum and it's the first year I've felt able to plan anything (just a dinner at a local restaurant with my little ones and DP). It slowly gets a tad more bearable.

Sending love and light ❤️

@Crunchymum thank you for that. Sending virtual hugs to everyone for this weekend

I’m sorry to all the people who have lost loved ones recently. I’m now 10 weeks in and I’m starting to feel some happiness again.
We’ve not decided what to do with my mums ashes yet and they are currently sitting on my living room sideboard. I feel a strange sense of peace when I’m near them and my girls like saying morning and goodnight to their Nan.

I’m dreading Mother’s Day but my own girls (13&11) want to celebrate it. I think I need to avoid restaurants and anywhere too commercial to get through the day.

It's been a little while since I posted here. Nearly 12 weeks in after DF passed away with no warning just after Christmas. I can't get over what a weight the sadness is. I miss him every single day so much. I'm fine one minute then anxious and teary the next.

Couldn't speak to my lovely boss when she asked how I was the other day, after I'd spent my lunch break chasing up widow pension benefits for DM. I'd have fallen apart randomly otherwise.

Not sure why I'm posting here. I feel like the world has forgotten DF and our grief. At the in-laws with DH for the first time since Xmas and they haven't asked how we are, how the funeral went, nothing...!

The silence is the very worst bit. I can't get used to the fact the person I always used to message first about the good and the bad just isn't here anymore.

I'm just over 7 weeks into this god awful journey, and we just had a week on holiday. I sobbed driving there, as the last thing I always did when we left before was phone Dad to say we're off and will ring when we get there. I sobbed when I saw a deli had his favourite foods. I sobbed because I miss him more than I ever would have thought possible.

I'm sure if I'm rested or more exhausted than when we left.

Oh @Badger1970 I know just what you mean, you're not on your own there. 😥That's just my recent experience with our holiday. Also started sobbing randomly as we were in a beautiful place he was really excited about us going to. The silence is just miserable!

Hello everyone this is also my 3rd mothers day without my lovely mum. The 1st mothers day was spent with mum in the funeral home. I'll never forget that experience. It turned out that one of the ladies working in the funeral home used to be my mums old supervisors at work for years ago. She was so kind and allowed me and my sister into see mum on that mothers day when the place would have normally been closed. It was such a surreal day so much pain and so much sadness.

As we roll into tomorrow we will go for lunch with my DH's mum and DH plus my 2 kids. We were at a market today and my DD asked if we could buy something for gran, as in my DH's mum and i found myself saying infront of the stall owner that i wasn't going to buy something for gran. I then felt the need to explain to the lady that "gran wasn't my mum" as i thought she would have seen me as being an unkind daughter. I had to walk away from the stall as i didn't know what else to say to explain why i couldn't buy any mothers day gifts for my own mum. Am sure she didn't care and probably thought i was rude or something but i couldn't say anything more faced with an entire stall full of goodies that i wished i could buy my mum and lovingly hand the gift to her and give her a big hug. Instead tomorrow i will go to mums graveside with a candle as i always do on special days and place it lite in her metal lantern which i bought her a few birthdays ago.

I wish i told her i loved her move often than i did. I hope that she knew how much i love her. Sometimes i wish i could go back in time even just for a moment just to see her face again there is so much i want to say to her.

@Ttc42nearly43 felt every word of this, lots of love and understanding to you. Luckily I guess I don't ever worry if she knew I loved her I told her EVERY DAY. This isn't said to make anyone else feel bad ! I'm just waffling, there's so much other stuff I wish I could say, it's only now I'm realising even though I hate that's she's not here and she died 6 weeks before I had my first baby nearly 3 years ago that I am the mother I am all down to her. And I know I'm a Damn good one . And I'm raising strong , kind, gentle, empathetic little ladies of my own. But wow how I wish she had met them even just once x

That's just rude @WhiteChocTwix they are adults and should care about you! I had hell wit my in-laws but we are v slowly making things better if I didn't have children I never would of had a relationship with them again

I need to chase the undertaker this week about the plaque for the churchyard. Today has made me only too aware of how hard Father's Day is going to be this year (and always from now on) and I'm wondering if it may be any easier if we had somewhere to go...

I'm sorry for all of those grieving their Mums today

@WhiteChocTwix - so sorry for your loss. Your words resonated with me. I haven’t posted for a while but I’m always popping on here and checking in. I’m sorry to everyone that I haven’t been on for a while. Sometimes I find it a bit hard reading the new posts. I lost my Dad unexpectedly and suddenly, totally out of the blue in September 2021. It’ll be 18 months at the end of this month since he’s been gone, and I can’t believe it. It was totally unexpected, he was a healthy and fit well man. Out that evening he was and a few hours later heart attack and slipped away.
I understand your pain and have to say that I don’t think it ever gets easier. Some days I don’t know how I’m getting through the days. What you said about your in laws. Mine aren’t horrible people, but they don’t understand at all and hardly mention Dad. It does bother me. The first few weeks they ask if you’re ok and how you’re doing and then it’s as if they think, oh it’s been a few months now everyone’s fine now. The truth is that you don’t ever get over this, the pain is always there unfortunately and like you, I miss my Dad so much every day. I hate it that people in real life who haven’t been through it, don’t get it. It does really bother me.
I honestly think that the longer time goes by, the more you miss them. x

Hi everyone

Sorry to everyone today who is missing their Mum’s. I still have my Mum, but she’s a former shadow or herself since losing my Dad and it overshadows everything. We are taking mum out today, but again it’s not the same without Dad. I just wanted to send love and strength to everyone on here today and again apologise that I haven’t been on for a while and introduced myself to the new people we have on here. I am so sorry for all your losses. We are all sadly together on this painful road.
Sending love to @Crunchymum @mrssunshinexxx @Ttc42nearly43 and to everyone else on here xxx I hope everyone gets through the day.

Hi everyone. I lost my Mam three weeks ago and due to further investigations I only buried her on Friday.
This is my first Mother’s Day without her and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m an only child and it has always been her and me until I got my kids.
I’m just a bit lost at the moment and having to deal with everything including emptying her house by next Friday as she was in rented accommodation.
I also have to go back to work as I’m in a new job so still in the probation period.
Big hugs to everyone going through this devastating journey xxxx

Just wanted to share my most comforting quote, on Mothers day. A day when her absence feels almost unbearable.

@LucyintheSky21
How are you doing? Hope you managed to have a nice day with your mum i know all days are over shadowed by the loss of your dad its the same here in my life. My wee boy jumped into bed this morning and he expressed that he felt sad because granny wasn't with us. I felt every bit of that little guys sadness 100 x over.

@Crunchymum and @mrssunshinexxx sending a virtual hand hold I'll be glad when today is over.

Mums candle is burning away next to her grave and a beautiful bunch of lilies too mum loved flowers they are rainbow lilies and look so pretty. I can imagine the big beaming smile that would have appeared on mums face receiving these flowers today 💔

@SallCymru

Incredibly difficult mother's day i hear you and understand the bewilderment and shock of those earlier weeks and months.

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

Have you managed to get through today? I bet your Mum will absolutely love those rainbow lilies and the candle you took. I can imagine how hard today will have been for you all. Sending love and strength to you.
I’m ok, just exactly how you describe in your post above. I’m getting by, but everything is overshadowed by the loss of Dad, as you say so accurately. It just isn’t the same and the longing to speak to my Dad and see him is just something which gets harder and harder.
How is your Dad doing? xx
Thinking of you @Crunchymum , as always, a lovely post from you to uplift everyone xx

@LucyintheSky21

Yeah he is doing really well just now long may it last that's all I can say it was discovery a few months ago following a scan that he had, had a small stroke probably during one of his many binge drinking sessions am not surprised considering how he treats his body sometimes but for how he back walking the dog twice a day and going to his church.

There's seems to be a spate of people sadly loosing their dads just now a close colleague at work and my neighbour too its so scary. I was thinking the other day that i actually don't know many people that are lucky enough to have both parents still its so very sad.

Am always planning activities with my dad, my kids and my sister. I try to see him as much as i can unfortunately we aren't too near each other he's about 6 miles away when my mum died i tried to get my husband to sell up and move closer as my sister doesn't keep well she has MS but of course he wouldn't hear of it so in the end i just gave up trying to convince him.

I take it no word from your sis or has she reached out yet?

Hi, hope it's okay to join here. My mum died nearly 5 weeks ago. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in June of last year and I spent a lot of time caring for her and advocating for her during her last 6 months.
I keep expecting a tsunami of grief to hit, but it hasn't yet. I cry in short bursts most days, and then it is as though nothing has happened. I am going to sort through her house in a couple of weeks, and I wonder if that will be when it truly sinks in. Or maybe the anticipatory grief I experienced during her illness has somehow lessened the impact. I don't feel I am doing justice to her at the moment, if that makes sense?

@AllBellyandBoobs I think that the anticipatory grief was a preparation... but when it does hit, it hits hard. My Dad died at the end of January and I still feel that I'm on the rollercoaster that life was when he was dying.

It's not an easy or kind journey... all you can do is cling on, and hope for the best I think

@Ttc42nearly43

I’m sorry to hear your Dad discovered he’d had a mini stroke, but I am pleased for you to hear that he’s taking better care of himself now. How is he mentally dealing with life without your Mum? I wish I could say that my mum was doing ok, but she’s sadly not doing well at all. She just seems to sink further into depression and has no care for life anymore.

I think you’re right on what you say, there does seem to be a lot of people losing their Dad’s. I also think there seems to be a lot of Dad’s/ men of a certain age passing away. It seems to be 70-75, like my Dad who was 74. My neighbour lost her Dad and he was 74, my friend has just lost her Dad and he was 73. There’s a could I know who own a number of houses around where we live and the man has passed away suddenly, also early 70’s and fit and well. It is so devastatingly sad.

My sister is still no contact with anyone. It’s as if she has disappeared from the face of the earth. This isn’t helping my mum at all. So no change there.
It sounds like you do a very good job of looking after your Dad and joining him in with things you do. We do this too, include my mum in everything but sometimes I wish there was just something I could do to make her happier, but there is nothing. I miss my Dad so much, I hate life without him. It is nearly 18 months on but still so raw for me. Do you feel the same? xx

@AllBellyandBoobs sending love to you, the tsunami is on its way I'm sure x

I'm struggling a lot recently. My Mum died end of last year. I'm realising there were a lot of things I only spoke to my Mum about because no one else in my life shares those interests. I didn't realise quite how lonely I would feel without her. It's mainly silly inconsequential things like the Oscars fashion or TV. But also things like women's rights and more philosophical stuff. Most of my friends have moved away over the last few years as they've got married and started families. So day to day it was my Mum and my Grandma I would speak to and see. I've lost them both within 3 years. Mum in her 50s and Grandma in her 80s. During this period I've also become a parent carer as my child was born with significant disabilities. I just don't know how to escape this loneliness. I miss them both so much and every day when there's a moment on my own it sinks in how totally alone I am now. I'm married but my husband works and I don't think he really understands/empathises. I'm sorry for writing all this. I really am feeling very sad.

@CiaoMay know exactly how you feel. My mum was the go to person for everything under the sun and we spoke at least three times a day. She was always the one I wanted to tell good news to and always the one who listened when I had bad news. We lost her to dementia last year but we lost her long before that sadly. I miss her terribly and long to pick up the phone to her. I also lost my lovely big sister seven years ago and she would have been the one I speak to about everything now. My dd is autistic so it's just me and her and life is very hard and lonely.