How to say goodbye to my baby

[CharlotteB86]

My beautiful baby boy is having his respiratory support turned off today. He was born prematurely and has fought so hard to stay here and been through so much over the last three months. I love him so much, and can't bear what is ahead for him, I don't know how I will find the strength to cope.

His consultants have said this is the end but when I look into his eyes I just can't bear what is ahead for him and us, and he has no idea what is coming. I've always had so much hope for him even when the bad news just kept on coming about his health conditions, and it's hard to not think but what if they try this, or does he just need more time. I know it's the right thing to do but it feels like the clock is ticking too fast before I have to leave my baby, my mind is spiralling ahead thinking about his funeral, after his funeral, whether I'll ever get back to the person I was before, and how our family will be in future. I'm thinking of all he could have been, of the amazing bond I know he would have with his big brother.

I've been so afraid all these weeks of him picking up infections that now I don't feel I've got close enough to him. I've spent the last 48 hours by his side, kissing him, cuddling him and looking into his eyes and it has been wonderful but so bittersweet at the same time.

Lots of love @CharlotteB86. Have been thinking of you so much today. Fly high beautiful Finley xxx🎈

Oh @CharlotteB86 everything sounds as if it was as gentle and as peaceful as it could have been. When we were with my daughter after she died there came a time when I just felt ready for her to go, I knew when I was ready. I'm so glad you have that video and other memories, the pictures we have are priceless to me.

It's a huge gift that neonatal units and maternity hospitals are now much more aware of the importance of memories and help gently guide parents. I hope you find the same support in planning the funeral. We had a lovely Minister come and help us and the funeral home too. Take all the support and guidance you need.

I remember being very worried about how I'd deal with the 'how many kids' question but over time you develop your own ways and for me in some situations I answer honestly and in others I say something vague like, "I have 2 girls at home" or I answer the question with "A is 9 and B is 5" so not actually saying i have 2 when I actually have 3, it is a little thing that helps me.

Take care, it's such a desperately sad time.

I am so so sorry for your loss of your darling baby Finley xx it’s so heartbreaking xx no words but thinking of you all 💕💕

I'm so so sorry. I'm in tears reading about your darling Finley , sounds like you gave him the most dignified , peaceful passing. Sending you and your family all the love and strength, I'm so sorry xxx

Is there any way the hospital could put a cold liner in a pram for you to be able to take him outside so that he can feel the wind on his face & the warmth of the sun? I can't imagine the pain & sadness you are going through.

@CharlotteB86 thank you for letting us get to know Finlay, just a little bit.

Fly with the angels, little one. The love you have surrounding you will raise you up.

I'm so sorry for all of you that have suffered the loss of a child; the pain must be immeasurable.

We're here as you need us, always someone around.

Thank you all so much. Posting on here has been a comfort to me to try and talk through my feelings, I might keep posting in the days ahead if that's ok.

He's starting to change now and it's a reminder that our time at the hospice will be over soon. I've got into another routine of spending time next to him and I've got used to cuddling him, I love his shape and that feel of him resting on me. I think I'll carry him outside for a little while today, he's never been outside before.

I just don't know how I'll cope going home, every time I step away from his nursery I become a bit on edge, jittery and desperate to come back to him. The hospice nurses have advised me to start taking a few steps away now, perhaps sleeping in a different wing of the hospice tonight.

We've registered his death now, the registrar seemed so matter of fact and immune to our grief. I'm starting to feel angry when people say the wrong thing. One person said my other son will be fine being an only child, and mentioned all the people we know who are only children and they're fine. But I don't think of him as an only child, my other child still exists, he'll just forever be a little baby. Others have just started talking to me about inane things and I feel like I'm screaming in my mind that nothing else matters.

My husband seems to be doing better than me now, he's talking about booking a holiday but nothing holds any appeal for me, it feels like there's no escape from how I feel. We are unable to have another child now, so our loss of Finley feels like more than the loss of my baby, but the loss of my future as I imagined and hoped it would be.

I’m in tears reading this. So sorry about your beautiful boy Finley He is touching so many people who read his story on this thread.

@CharlotteB86 Absolutely keep posting on here if it helps you! There will always be someone around to offer what little support we can ❤️

Facing people after any tragedy is difficult but the loss of a child is unimaginable. Your other son is absolutely not an only child, and never will be. Finley is just as much a part of your family as his big brother is, his time in this world was just shorter than it ever should have been ❤️

I haven’t been through your experience but I can assure you that all of your feelings are 100% valid. It’s ok to feel utterly lost and heartbroken. It’s ok to feel angry. And, when the time is right for you, it’s ok to feel joy again. And that will happen one day even though it may not feel like it in this moment ❤️

Walking outside with your boy sounds like a lovely idea Do you have other family close by for support when the time comes for you to be at home?

I just can't imagine your pain. Sending love.

I'm assuming you are in England with a month or so to weight for the funeral. That's going to be a tough time.

@CharlotteB86 I am sitting here in tears for you. I wish it wasn't this way for you xxx

So sorry to read about Finley. Thank you for telling us about him. He won’t be forgotten.

So very sorry for your loss 💔 thinking of you xx

I’m another in tears reading this I can’t imagine the pain you and your family must be in rest in peace Finley

I am so incredibly sorry to hear that you have lost Finley.

I have no doubt that he knew how loved he was by you all.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, and all the other losses on this thread. I am sure that all of these babies could feel that they were were very loved.

@CharlotteB86 I just wanted to ask how you were going?

I didn't read your thread at the time but I was just going through this topic to see if anyone has lost a child like me.

Your thread was heartbreaking, especially the bit about big feeling you held him enough to try and prevent infections and viruses etc. my son was undergoing chemo as we were the same, once we were told it was the end of the line o just wish I had hugged him even more,

My little boy died 13 months ago aged 2 of leukaemia. My heart is still broken

@Blocker I am so so sorry and sad for you that you have lost your little boy also. It sounds like you and your family have gone through a horrendous experience with your little boy. I'm so sorry that this had to happen, life is so unfair, your boy deserves to be with you still living and healthy. I hope the beautiful memories of your baby will help you smile once more.I really am so sorry you have gone through this.
@CharlotteB86 I hope you are getting through the days with good support. It's all just so wrong. No mother should ever go through what you are going through. Am
Thinking of you and your beautiful angel
Finley. You have two children and your other little boy will always be Finley's big brother. Am thinking of all you mothers and fathers that have lost a child. There are no words in the world to describe how unfair it is.

Thinking of you and baby Finley, I’m so sorry for the loss of every moment you should have had with this little man in your life. Fly high Finley on your angel wings.