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Original poster

How to say goodbye to my baby

120 replies

CharlotteB86 · 03/02/2022 05:03

My beautiful baby boy is having his respiratory support turned off today. He was born prematurely and has fought so hard to stay here and been through so much over the last three months. I love him so much, and can't bear what is ahead for him, I don't know how I will find the strength to cope.

His consultants have said this is the end but when I look into his eyes I just can't bear what is ahead for him and us, and he has no idea what is coming. I've always had so much hope for him even when the bad news just kept on coming about his health conditions, and it's hard to not think but what if they try this, or does he just need more time. I know it's the right thing to do but it feels like the clock is ticking too fast before I have to leave my baby, my mind is spiralling ahead thinking about his funeral, after his funeral, whether I'll ever get back to the person I was before, and how our family will be in future. I'm thinking of all he could have been, of the amazing bond I know he would have with his big brother.

I've been so afraid all these weeks of him picking up infections that now I don't feel I've got close enough to him. I've spent the last 48 hours by his side, kissing him, cuddling him and looking into his eyes and it has been wonderful but so bittersweet at the same time.

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 03/02/2022 06:56

I can remember some one saying to me after my 3 year old dd died, that however short a life it was a complete life. She had done all that her life needed her to do. At the time I dismissed it as insensitive but I now look back and can understand it. No, you and your family will never be the same, but do you really want to be? I am certainly not, I am better, more appreciative of the smaller triumphs my dc make. You will get through today for your little boy, because he needs his mum, I'm not going to lie, it's hard and the pain doesn't ever go, you just get used to it and accept it as part of your life because that is the depth of love that you have for your child. Just know that you and his brother and dad are his everything, he does know that from the time you have spent with him. Sending lots of love and strength for today and the future. Xx

Rainbowqueeen · 03/02/2022 07:00

Sending love 💐

2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/02/2022 07:07

@CharlotteB86 that is heart breaking to read, I'm so so sorry.

Please don't worry that you didn't get close enough. We can feel your love for him with every word you write. And there can be no doubt he's felt it every moment of his little life.

Sending strength and love and a hand hold for today, and the next bit. We'll all be here when you need us.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/02/2022 07:10

Oh love this is heartbreaking. He will feel how loved he is and just take it all minute by minute. Try not to think too far ahead for now. Flowers

WalkingOnSonshine · 03/02/2022 07:15

I’ll be thinking of you and your son today, and for many more days to come in the future.

His legacy is that he was so loved & will be remembered.

Ribeebie · 03/02/2022 07:20

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. Sending you lots of love

Dontjudgeme101 · 03/02/2022 07:20

Thinking of you.💐💐💐💐

spaceman1 · 03/02/2022 07:57

So sorry to hear this. 💐

Twixie2022 · 03/02/2022 08:44

I’m so sorry OP. Thinking of you, your baby abs family today. Flowers xx

DoItAfraid · 03/02/2022 08:52

I am so sorry - sending you prayers today.

bearlyactive · 03/02/2022 09:11

Sending prayers and love Flowers

Rrrob · 03/02/2022 09:20

Dear @CharlotteB86 I am so so sorry for you and your beautiful boy. My daughter’s life support was turned off just over 3 years ago. It is the sort of thing you never imagine going through or recovering from.

I’m going to share what I did. I stayed and held my daughter. I wanted to alarms on the machines turned off so she slipped away quietly and peacefully. We did her hands and footprints, read to her, talked to her and dressed her. A nurse dressed her because I was too traumatised (her death was very sudden and unexpected).

If you want someone to talk to about what happens next and things that made the situation slightly easier please PM me. I am happy to support you in any way I can.

RS29 · 03/02/2022 09:23

Oh gosh @CharlotteB86 I’m sending you so much love and strength for today. Please don’t doubt anything you’ve done up until now. I have no doubt at all that your boy knows knows how much he is loved - it’s clear to all of us just from the little post you’ve written. I can’t even begin to understand your pain Flowers hold him close, kiss him, smell him. You’ll get through this because he is your child and you would do anything that he needs, in this life and in any other ❤️ It sounds like your little fighter has had quite a journey - would you like to tell us about him? Flowers

Lobster2018 · 03/02/2022 16:53

So sorry OP Thanks

No words will make this better but I am thinking of you and your little baby boy

ErinAoife · 03/02/2022 17:02

So sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. If you have a garden, you could plant a remembrance tree in his honour. Thinking of you, take care

lykkelaa · 03/02/2022 17:03

I'm sorry OP

Ontheflipside · 03/02/2022 17:03

I am so sorry you're going through this. Sending you so much love and strength. Xx

Lockdownbear · 03/02/2022 17:06

@Rrrob sending you love too. Flowers
What a kind soul you are to share your experience.

Original poster
CharlotteB86 · 03/02/2022 21:02

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it has been a comfort to me today. Elderflower14, Phillipa12 and Rrrob, thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Our little boy is called Finley. They took away his breathing support this morning, then my husband carried him over to be in my arms. He opened his eyes and looked at me when I told him how sorry we are, and how much we love him. It was peaceful and he passed away very quickly. We've held him all afternoon, but I've just now managed to put him down in the cold room next to our bedroom. It was very hard to close the door to him but we can visit him anytime whilst we're here. I'm trying not to think ahead to next week, I'm dreading going back home, being on maternity leave without a baby at home just feels so cruel.

His big brother has met him, it was so lovely to see how gentle he was, he enjoyed doing round and round the garden like a teddy bear on his hand and giving him kisses. They both also had hand prints made together. He's three years old and doesn't understand everything but realises his little brother is too poorly to ever come home.

The nurses are just amazing, they have got to know us well over the last three months, they've cared for him so compassionately and cried with us today. They've always encouraged me to take him out of his incubator for cuddles when he was very fragile, and I'm so grateful for that now despite the trauma of his many collapses. It's a comfort knowing he's at peace now, but I'll miss him so much and will feel lost next week out of that hospital bubble which has consumed me.

OP posts:
SandandFog · 03/02/2022 21:21

I'm so sorry that Finley has died. You have done your son very proud and I too can feel the immense love for your son.

My baby daughter died too in the NICU although it was a sudden death. She would be 13 now.

It's an incredibly difficult time you are in right now and there are difficult times ahead, it's a cliche but it really helped me to take every minute, every day at a time and go with how I felt.

Memories became very very important for me so my advice is take and keep everything and don't wash anything (including your clothes from today) until you are sure. I still have everything.

I took a huge amount of support from Sands the charity and other online support but it did take me a while before I was ready.

I'm so sorry Daffodil

sunshineforest · 03/02/2022 21:24

So very very sorry. Sending love to you Thanks

Panda8383 · 03/02/2022 21:35

This is truly heartbreaking, I’m so sorry
for the loss of your beautiful Finley 💙 xx

Doggynoname · 03/02/2022 21:49

Oh I am so sorry to read this, can’t imagine your pain. My heart goes out to you all, your special little boy knew how much he was loved x

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 03/02/2022 21:56

I am so sorry. Your baby boy Finley felt your love so strongly, I’m sure of it Flowers sending you love and comfort

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 03/02/2022 21:57

Goodnight God Bless Finley, your mummy, daddy and big brother love you very much. What a special little boy, sleep tight xxxxx