My beautiful baby boy is having his respiratory support turned off today. He was born prematurely and has fought so hard to stay here and been through so much over the last three months. I love him so much, and can't bear what is ahead for him, I don't know how I will find the strength to cope.
His consultants have said this is the end but when I look into his eyes I just can't bear what is ahead for him and us, and he has no idea what is coming. I've always had so much hope for him even when the bad news just kept on coming about his health conditions, and it's hard to not think but what if they try this, or does he just need more time. I know it's the right thing to do but it feels like the clock is ticking too fast before I have to leave my baby, my mind is spiralling ahead thinking about his funeral, after his funeral, whether I'll ever get back to the person I was before, and how our family will be in future. I'm thinking of all he could have been, of the amazing bond I know he would have with his big brother.
I've been so afraid all these weeks of him picking up infections that now I don't feel I've got close enough to him. I've spent the last 48 hours by his side, kissing him, cuddling him and looking into his eyes and it has been wonderful but so bittersweet at the same time.