I am going to lose Mum soon, next few hours

[marmitecake]

I've never really been someone to start posts and have been on MN for ten years but tonight I need to reach out. I'm with my beloved DM in her nursing home and she has only a little time left, maybe a few hours. She's so young really - in my eyes, just 78. I knew it was coming as she's been so ill, in and out of hospital for three years, but not so soon. I just don't know how I'm going to get over this as well as support my two teenagers and my DF in their grief. We've had such a close relationship over the years and she's such a fantastic mum and grandma. How on earth do you move on.

@marmitecake. I'm glad you were able to spend time with your mum telling her you loved her & that she went peacefully & not in pain.

There is so much paperwork & stuff to sort out, it's all so surreal. It does just keep hitting you, it's horrible. Choosing everything for the service I found incredibly hard.

You're not alone xx

I hope DS's lesson goes well tomorrow! It'll give him something to focus on for a bit anyway.

Lots of love to you all x

Thank you so much Juggling
Really appreciate your post. I'm feeling a bit more in control tonight. Dropping off to sleep though and I wake up with a jolt that this has actually happened. I wish I'd been more prepared. I'm fortunate though that in my group of childhood friends growing up that I still had my mum for as long as I did as they all lost theirs very early on...

How are you doing, Marmite?

Chillydown thank you for asking. Well, up and down. Funeral is organised and just about to send out the notices next day or so. It's four weeks away. My DF is doing remarkably well. He has Alzheimer's (early days on this) so is slightly 'disconnected' from the situation but is sad but pragmatic in terms of 'it was coming'. He has been supportive. He's a great father. I cried on his shoulder earlier. I wish I'd been more prepared. She had been in and out of hospital four 2 years and I was told palliative only a few months ago but I didn't really what was imminent.

I also feel regretful or rather, sad, that I wasn't actually there when she died and cannot rationalise my feelings on this. Bizarrely I'm actually not sure I would have actually wanted to see her take her last breath and whether it would have upset me too much....remember her as she was. I had stayed late the night we got called to the nursing home and the night I first posted. Nurse told me not to cry as DM could hear and that I should go home. I came back next day with DF and family then DF, being very elderly, wanted to go home. I later got a telephone update then two hours later got the call she had left us. That is what I'm obsessing about. I'm given to understand people often wait till their loved ones have gone before deciding to depart. But still... could / should I have stayed/gone back? The nurse said it could have been another day even. I need to stop obsessing....

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with not having seen her gone. I am a week or so further down the line from you and I was there at the end of my Dad. I think really on balance I wish I hadn’t and every time I think of it I have to think of him at Christmas when he looked well. I had no idea he was ill and he went in 6 days from diagnosis so a massive shock. My Mum was ill for ages, I’m not sure you are ever prepared.

We were told it could have been another 24 hours and having had 3 hours sleep and a 2 hour plus drrive to get there I absolutely would not have stayed that long. I was told on the phone originally they didn’t know if I would be in time. A friend has just lost her Dad. Her Mum got called in and they were told he had 48 hours so she had to fly longhaul thinking she wouldn’t make it then he went on another 10 days. He had been ill for ages but when he went her Mum went into shock. You just can’t tell and you have absolutely nothing to beat yourself up about. There are no should haves in those situations 💐

Hi Marmite. If it's any help to share, my Mum died in a hospice. They thought it might be several days as she was mostly unconscious but not showing any immediate signs. I wasn't sure they were right, so took DD out of school and we spent quite a lot of time together. Mum didn't interact but she could hear us. I took DD home and got a call a couple of hours later to say things had changed and could I come back straight away.
I had to find someone else to mind DD as DH not at home and the drive to the hospice took a while.
By the time I arrived she had gone and the nurses told me someone had been with her. I was quite relieved. I didn't actually want to be there, but it was nice to know she wasn't alone. She looked very peaceful and we sat together for a while. For me, this was the best way.

Volterra I'm so sorry to hear you are grieving the recent loss of your dad. And your mum too. I can't imagine the pain of losing both. As you say there are two sides to the 'being there' or 'not being there'. The fact of the matter now is that it is what it is and I'm feeling more at peace with it than I was yesterday. I'm going to see her before the funeral with DS who was upset to see her just after she passed (his decision). She's going to be dressed beautifully and made up and is even going to have a spray of her favourite perfume (which DH hated and teased her about!).

Beamur thank you for your post. I'm glad you and your DD got to spend lots of time with your DM. Maybe that time before is more important to both the person near death and those visiting than the moment of death. I don't know. We chatted to Mum loads and told her how much we loved her and her brother made it from across the country in time to spend a few minutes saying what he needed to say.

The ache in your chest when you think about what has happened is like nothing I've ever experienced before. My DF and others have reassured me that it gets better but I cannot imagine ever feeling ok or "me" again.

It's the single most physically and emotionally painful thing I have ever experienced. But, I'm still here. I cried every day for the first year. The second and third, slightly less but I couldn't talk about her without breaking down. Now, I can remember her without getting upset and curiously the huge void in my life feels less empty and I'm more aware of the ways she's still with me. In my thoughts, my behaviours, my DD, photos, objects. She's still everywhere but in a way I find warm and comforting rather than just reminding me if her absence. I don't think I will ever miss seeing her or chatting together though.

How are you doing marmitecake?

Mama3Bears thank you for asking, I've just picked up this message. Don't know if you are awake or if there's anyone hanging around the bereavement board but not particularly great night right now hence why I'm posting. First week was awful. Second week I was ok. Last week ok with the odd break down. And then there's now. Everyone's in bed. Been thinking about Mum, looking at photos, at her FB page and am pretty cut up. Funeral is still 2 weeks away so it's kept me busy and there's almost 80 coming to the funeral. Mum would be thrilled and she'd written down all her funeral wishes. It has made things easier although haven't been able to stick completely to everything.

I'm now (right now) struggling with the thought of never seeing her again, being able to hug her but the reality is that I lost the real mum who was in good health 2 or 3 years ago and I have to be thankful she's no longer suffering.

Just not sure how life continues like it did before but it does. I have a husband, two teens, family and elderly DF who still needs me.

Anyone have any tips on moving forward from this. Just can't stop the tears right now.

@marmitecake I wish there were magic words to help. It is the hardest thing to actually realize the things we will miss, to picture expressions and hear the voice saying our name. my DM had been gone three years and it still hits me quite often. However, i do still hear her voice. See her face, hear her laughter, in my memories. Never enough, but I'm so grateful I have them.

Let the tears flow as they must. I like to think that i have a memory for every tear I shed, and that's a lot. 💐

2018SoFarSoGreat
Thank you. I appreciate your reply and I like the tears=memories analogy.
Feel bit better today. It's amazing how a night's sleep helps. I know there's many stages of grief and you have to go through them all; not entirely sure what stage I'm at though but must accept it'll take time.

What you're going through is normal, where there is deep love there is deep grief.

It's still early days so don't expect too much of yourself.
Be thankful for the memories of the good times you had with your mum and share those memories with those close to you so your mum will live on through the memories of her loved ones. I find it helps to talk about them and reminisce together.

Tomorrow is Mum's funeral, finally after five weeks of waiting. It's going to be a big event with over 70 and 20 watching online and then a big reception with lots of great food. She was a caterer so I had her standards to maintain! I think I have done her proud and it's been a lot of organising and it really has kept me occupied.

I saw her in the funeral parlour on Friday and gave her a kiss and told her how much I loved her. My lovely brave boy was with me too. Now incredibly nervous about the service, seeing the coffin and the flowers; I tend to "hold back" a bit. I'm also really worried about grief hitting properly tomorrow night. Perhaps I haven't properly grieved, perhaps it all starts then.

I'm sure you will have done her proud.

Hope the funeral goes well tomorrow, it sounds like she was loved by many people

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I spent a lot of time with my OH when he was dying and was allowed to stay at the nursing home. He was on end of life care for quite some time and the process was slow - I did not think he could live more than a few hours but is was several days before he finally slipped away. It is hard for anyone to really know, so be prepared that this may not happen s quickly as you are expecting.

It sounds as though you have a wonderful mother who has given out a lot of love. She is now drawing towards the end of her life, but please remember that all the love she gave will never go away; and you will have passed it on to your children who will in their turn pass it on to theirs.

I am so sorry - I must have lost a few pages and wish to send you strength for the funeral tomorrow. What I said about her love still stands. There is comfort in creating a fitting celebration of a loved one's life - it is a challenge, but it is good to feel that you have done right by her - have brought people together in her name.

There is no proper way to grieve - we all do it differently. I am so glad that you have supportive family around you.

Dotty, Mountain and Mischance thank you so much x

I’m not sure you do ‘get over it’.
I still really miss my mum who I lost in 2016. Dad came to live with me and I lost him in 2019. I miss him too.
You will get used to your loss eventually, you will carry on living; the pain won’t be so constant. My lovely mum to the day she died mourned for her mum but not so much for her her dad who she clearly loved dearly but had died many years previously. Time smudges the edges.
Sending you a virtual hug. X

Make the most of these last hours. Say anything you need to. I thanked my Mum for giving me such a wonderful childhood and for being such a lovely Nanny to my children. Keep talking as hearing last sense to go.

Sending so much love and strength with you tomorrow OP. This is your thank you party for a wonderful mum. It sounds like you will send her out in great form. I bet she will be proud of you.

This is another step on the goodbye journey, but it is not taking you further away, just to a different spot. I got a lot of comfort from the funeral, and seeing how important she was to so many other people. I hope that for you. 💐