I am going to lose Mum soon, next few hours

[marmitecake]

I've never really been someone to start posts and have been on MN for ten years but tonight I need to reach out. I'm with my beloved DM in her nursing home and she has only a little time left, maybe a few hours. She's so young really - in my eyes, just 78. I knew it was coming as she's been so ill, in and out of hospital for three years, but not so soon. I just don't know how I'm going to get over this as well as support my two teenagers and my DF in their grief. We've had such a close relationship over the years and she's such a fantastic mum and grandma. How on earth do you move on.

It is the hardest thing you will ever do. I was with my dM when she passed after horrendous illness that sucked life out of her. Talk to her, reminiss about when you were a child and how much you love her. Hearing is the last sense to go. You do get by in a bler for a while. I did not think I could ever forget how I'll my DM was or what I saw her endure but now 8 years later I still think of her very often but I always think of happy memories from my childhood. I still see my DM in my dreams sometimes and even when your DM passes you can too.

My mum died a few months ago of cancer, in her early seventies. It’s bloody shit and unfair, there’s no point in trying to sugarcoat it. Seventies seems too young to die.

As my mum suffered so much in her last few months I do now sometimes find myself thinking that ‘it’s better to have a dead mum rather than a dying mum’. Which is oddly comforting. But there’s an ongoing sadness that comes and goes.

But just be kind to yourself over the coming weeks and months.I find it’s the unexpected things that trigger my sadness and missing her. For example I saw that there was a new series of a tv programme that she liked to watch, and the idea that she would never see the new series completely set me off.

I’m sorry. Don’t worry about the moving on bit just now.

Massive hugs to you!

I lost my dad in the summer m, he was far too young too 71.

You don’t move on but you do find a way to move forward, in time. That person is always with you and the grief will hit you like a wave, sometimes it will be big and knock you off your feet and others it will just move you. At the beginning you can expect big waves.

For now I’d just focus on the time you have left, talk about nice memories, if she’s compos mentis show photos of your kids and chat about them. Hold hands and just be with us other. My steer to you would be to park your grief and sadness and make these last moments ones you’re proud of, I know it’s super hard but if you’re having a difficult moment or a wobble I’d take it outside to the loo or something. My dad was in ITU and whilst I have a huge amount of regrets, they aren’t about his last days, he has fluid buildup so I gave him a hand and leg massage, showing pics of my kids and just talking and now with some distance that brings me some degree of comfort.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

So sorry. Take things hour by hour just now.

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm pleased you're able to be there with you.

Keep talking to her, they say your hearing is the last thing to go. Tell her how much you love her & will miss her, but also reassure her that you, your Dad & your kids will be there for each other and whatever you believe happens next if it's comforting.

I hope you have friends who will hug you & support you, you need someone who is there for you!

I can't say it gets easier, but you do learn to live alongside it,

When you're able tell her it's ok to stop holding on & to go forward, that you'll be ok. It's the hardest thing to do when what you want to do is beg them to stay, but allowing them to go reassured & in peace is the last thing you can really do for them.

Lots of love, strength & hugs
Xx

This is one of the big times in our lives. I remember sitting in the room with my Father and feeling overwhelmed by the presence of death. It was the same when giving birth and being overwhelmed by that also.

It's magnitude is because of your love.

It's so painful and I send you my thoughts. Remember though that you carry each other wherever you go.

This might be hard to hear, but very often people wait until they're alone to go. It can be a kindness to give them the space to do that, but it's incredibly hard.

I'm heartbroken for you, it really is so hard xxx

You’re in my thoughts tonight, it’s so very, very hard but you’re doing all the right things, you sound like such a wonderful daughter. I was advised by a nurse to take some time and say what I needed to say to my dad shortly before he died and I will forever be grateful for that suggestion. At the very end I reassured him that I was there and would stay with him, at that point it was clear that death was very close. Sending love to you both.

I found the article I read. I'm not a spiritual person at all, but there's something I find strangely comforting about it.

'Expected Death ~ When someone dies, the first thing to do is nothing. Don't run out and call the nurse. Don't pick up the phone. Take a deep breath and be present to the magnitude of the moment.

There's a grace to being at the bedside of someone you love as they make their transition out of this world. At the moment they take their last breath, there's an incredible sacredness in the space. The veil between the worlds opens.

We're so unprepared and untrained in how to deal with death that sometimes a kind of panic response kicks in. "They're dead!"

We knew they were going to die, so their being dead is not a surprise. It's not a problem to be solved. It's very sad, but it's not cause to panic.

If anything, their death is cause to take a deep breath, to stop, and be really present to what's happening. If you're at home, maybe put on the kettle and make a cup of tea.

Sit at the bedside and just be present to the experience in the room. What's happening for you? What might be happening for them? What other presences are here that might be supporting them on their way? Tune into all the beauty and magic.

Pausing gives your soul a chance to adjust, because no matter how prepared we are, a death is still a shock. If we kick right into "do" mode, and call 999, or call the hospice, we never get a chance to absorb the enormity of the event.

Give yourself five minutes or 10 minutes, or 15 minutes just to be. You'll never get that time back again if you don't take it now.

After that, do the smallest thing you can. Call the one person who needs to be called. Engage whatever systems need to be engaged, but engage them at the very most minimal level. Move really, really, really, slowly, because this is a period where it's easy for body and soul to get separated.

Our bodies can gallop forwards, but sometimes our souls haven't caught up. If you have an opportunity to be quiet and be present, take it. Accept and acclimatize and adjust to what's happening. Then, as the train starts rolling, and all the things that happen after a death kick in, you'll be better prepared.

You won't get a chance to catch your breath later on. You need to do it now.

Being present in the moments after death is an incredible gift to yourself, it's a gift to the people you're with, and it's a gift to the person who's just died. They're just a hair's breadth away. They're just starting their new journey in the world without a body. If you keep a calm space around their body, and in the room, they're launched in a more beautiful way. It's a service to both sides of the veil.'

Sending my love OP. I've been where you are and I know how difficult it is. But I also know what a comfort I take from the fact I was able to be there with my DM at the end.

As others have said, don't think about moving on or coping at the moment. Just let it all be and take every second as it comes. One thing nobody ever told me was that the relationship continues even after they've gone, it's obviously different but it lives on in ways that are hard to describe.

I hope your lovely mum is comfortable, and just know she feels your love. Take care.

I'm so sorry. I hope there's some comfort in knowing you've been so close and she's been loved. It's hard to xx

My heart goes out to you. My mam passed away in 2020 I was 32 and she had just turned 60 when she passed. I had a small child and it was so unexpected I was completely blindsided and devastated. In the beginning you go hour by hour just trying to make it through the days. Easier doesn't exist but you you learn to build a life without her as unlikely and difficult as that seems right now. My mam is still so present in my life I think of her constantly and consider what she would do in certain situations. The first few weeks will be a complete blur but you will find the strength to carry on as she would have wanted ❤️

my thoughts are with you. I suggest that you do what you think/know will give you comfort afterwards. How you get throught it is because there is no choice. You do the next thing, get through the next minute and so it goes. the only thing that i would say is that sometimes the loved one waits to go until they are alone and sometimes they seem to need "permission" to go. This may not apply to you and your Mum but keep it in mind....and here's a handhold.

Thinking of you.

To answer your question... you just do. It absolutely sucks and it's thoroughly heart sinking and sometimes you literally can't believe it but... on you'll go.

I sat with my mum for two weeks - every night I went home with a sense of dread but, as another pp has said, I do think people choose their moment. I often think that had my mum reached my dad before he died, he would have hung on longer. I used to sit with her, late into the night, with the night-time Classic Fm playing-it's very gentle and soothing. Being with someone as they die is a profound privilege, as well as a terrible goodbye. You can do it though. It's the last thing you can do for her on earth and she will know you're there, even if she doesn't wake. In the end, though, I had to give her permission to go. I talked to her about a beautiful cord of love that linked us together and how it would always be there but it was time to separate the strands etc. She died a few hours later. Thinking of you. This is so hard, but your love for eachother will give you strength.

Thinking of you & your mum OP x

Thoughts with you and your dearest mum, Marmite. You will have your memories of her to help you through, and she'll never really leave you - she'll be there always, tucked away in your heart.

Handhold here OP thinking of you your Mum

I did exactly what you're now done g a few weeks ago for my dad. It has been a big comfort to me since to know that he has a "good death" that we (siblings and I) were with him and that it was a very natural and peaceful passing.
However it was infinitely easier once I had my siblings with me or even when the nurses popped in before that so if you can get someone to be with you then please do so.
I didn't leave dad as it became clear that it probably wouldn't be long - his breathing became more shallow and his feet became cold and mottled - I hope you don't mind me putting that level of detail.
Thoughts are with you tonight

My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly (she was 97 but not unwell, no dementia etc) and while it’s what she would have chosen I did miss the opportunity to tell her how much I admired and loved her and followed her lead.

I’m so sorry, I’m thinking of you and your family 😢.
I hope she’s comfortable and I’m so glad you’re allowed to be with her in her final hours ♥️

Sending love and strength your way. Your mum knows you're there. Must be so hard but cling to happy times together. Is there anything you'd like to ask or tell her? X

I'm very sorry about your mum. It does get easier but I'm not going to lie, it takes a long time. My dad died 6 years ago and I still think about and talk to him every day, and cry probably two or three times a month. Their death leaves a hole that never fully closes but it is also a mark of how fortunate we are to have had them in our lives that the loss of them means so much to us.

Wishing you all the best. x

Sending love to you and your mum. Whatever you decide to in these hours, there is no wrong answer. Talking/music/silence is all ok. Being there constantly or leaving the room is ok. There is nothing you must do, just be.