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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Stillborn at 40+3

99 replies

Onedaydreaming · 13/12/2021 16:09

We lost our beautiful baby girl last week, sadly she was born sleeping.

I’ve been through an array of emotions since and just wondering if it ever gets easier.

I feel guilty if she doesn’t consume my thoughts every moment and watching tv or doing something to distract myself - I’m left with such a feeling of guilt.

I know it’s very early days and grieving is a process but this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I’m still at the point where I don’t want to talk about it to anyone irl, although plenty of support is being offered by family and friends. It’s too heart wrenching to go through. My DH is helping but I feel he is grieving differently to me and tries to occupy his days so he can distract himself. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

OP posts:
Driposaurus · 13/12/2021 16:12

I don’t want to read and run, but I don’t have the answers to your questions so bumping til someone can come by and help. Flowers

ReeseWitherfork · 13/12/2021 16:14

As above. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

If all you want to do right now is sleep, then sleep.

Would you like to talk more about it?

jackny · 13/12/2021 16:15

So sorry for your loss. I don’t have any answers either but hope someone who has will come on here soon. Take care

newnamefor2021 · 13/12/2021 16:16

So sorry for your loss. Loss is different stages and people grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way. Be kind to yourself. So sorry. For some it's useful to talk about it, if that helps tell us, for others it's not and that's fine too. Go with that feels right and don't feel guilty.

NMC2022 · 13/12/2021 16:16

I'm so sorry

You might find this helpful, there is a whole community out there supporting each other
https://instagram.com/stillamama?utmmedium=copylink

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 13/12/2021 16:16

I don’t have the right words but I’m so sorry for you and your family. There’s absolutely no right or wrong way to feel, behave or anything else at a time like this. I’ll be thinking of you.

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove name]

Runforthehillocks · 13/12/2021 16:17

Oh you poor thing, I am so very, very sorry. Everything you say you feel makes sense. I don't have any answers either but I know there will be others who have the experience to be able to help. [Flowers]

Ohyesthankyouglitter · 13/12/2021 16:17

There are no ‘answers’, it’s just totally awful. But you WILL survive this, it WILL get easier and your precious daughter WILL ALWAYS be your precious daughter, even in her absence.
For now, just take each hour at a time.

Want to tell us any more about what happened?

heldinadream · 13/12/2021 16:17

Oh love I'm so sorry. Of course it must be the hardest thing ever. I can't think what to say that would make even the tiniest dent in your grief except that my heart truly goes out to you.

TheDogsMother · 13/12/2021 16:18

I'm so sorry OP. How absolutely heart breaking for you both. I can't begin to imagine how things are for you but just wanted to send you these Flowers

WildHorsesRunInMe · 13/12/2021 16:19

I'm so sorry, she will always be with you Flowers

Chamomileteaplease · 13/12/2021 16:19

Yes, at the moment, well, for as long as you want, you need to just do whatever works for you. Whatever gives you any crumb of comfort Sad.

I hope you know logically that any time where you are not thinking of your little baby is allowed! It is called survival Smile. I imagine the ratio of how often you think of her and how often you don't, will change gradually over time, as will the pain that it generates.

Hopefully someone will come along and tell you that they have been through this and that there is another side to come out of.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 16:21

So sorry for your loss.
I hope you have lots of rl support.

impossiblypossibly · 13/12/2021 16:21

I'm so sorry, please go easy on yourself, dealing with such raw emotions. Did you name her?

Blue4YOU · 13/12/2021 16:22

I’m so sad for you OP.
I had a stillborn daughter at 39 +5. I had an emergency c-section because I had a massive placental abruption.
It took ages to heal physically.
But it took far, far longer to come to terms with the grief, the sheer agony of it.
I’m 8 years on on 22nd December and I still cry about her every so often.
But it’s not like it was in the first few years.
I got good bereavement counselling from my local hospice.
I wasn’t ready for that though for a couple of months.
I couldn’t speak for crying the first time I said her name out loud to the counsellor. It all became real in a very final sense.
Don’t force yourself to do anything at all if you don’t want to. There’s no rush. I’m sending you hugs.

ChaToilLeam · 13/12/2021 16:25

I am so sorry, love. Talking doesn’t always help, not at the start when grief is just too raw to articulate. If sleep is what you need, then do that. Thinking of you and your little girl. 💐

SpanielsAreMyLife · 13/12/2021 16:25

It does get better. It took me a long long time, but there is a sort of peace and acceptance along the path.

Take time to heal. Talk about your beautiful girl - she's part of your past and will always be part of your future too. I've got a photograph of my son next to my bed........ he's my 1st and last thought of the day 26 years on.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

danni0509 · 13/12/2021 16:26

So sorry, my words will be utterly useless to you but I just wanted to send you a hug x

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2021 16:28

I’m so sorry OP- I think the fact you’ve been strong enough to even write a post is amazing. Feel free to talk to us about your daughter. Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2021 16:31

I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Namenic · 13/12/2021 16:33

I’m so sorry OP. Don’t feel like there is a right or wrong way. Do what you need to do to rest, recuperate or distract yourself - whatever gets you through. Thinking of you and your family - sending you good wishes.

AgathaMystery · 13/12/2021 16:33

I’m so so sorry to read this. I’m thinking of you and your husband and your little daughter. If you’d like to talk to us about her or share her name we are here xxx

ineedaholidayandwine · 13/12/2021 16:34

I'm so so sorry OP, please never feel that you can't talk about her.

nellly · 13/12/2021 16:34

Im so sorry that's awful. Do whatever you need to do and whatever feels right hour by hour. There is no wrong way to grieve your lovely baby

Change123today · 13/12/2021 16:34

Take time to heal both of you Flowers

I haven’t experience of it but a beautiful girl was stillborn to one of our antenatal mothers, she was the last one to be born out of our group. That was 12 years ago, we all stayed close and supported the mother as appropriate. I always remember talking to her and her it knocked her husband awfully - he wanted to fix his wife pain as well as his own & struggled to process it all - eventually many years later he had therapy - he always said it was at the point he was ready to listen and share his thoughts. We all remember her birthday and for us 8 will always be 8. The most important thing is to give yourself time to process everything at your own time l.

Sending hugs xx