Gran Gran passed while DD is on school trip

[InABetterPlaceNow]

Just wanting a little advice from the Mumsnet hive mind.

My youngest is currently on her first ever, super exciting residential trip. Away Monday, back on Friday.

Gran Gran (my grandma, her great grandma) passed yesterday after a long fight with cancer. I've been gearing them all up for it, but the end happened really suddenly so it will be a shock.

She's had a huge amount of trauma in her life and it's going to be yet another blow.

My current plan is to pick her up, let her gush about the trip, crash for the night (as she'll be knackered) and tell her at some point over the weekend.

I'm waiting for the school to call me back to talk through it with them too, and make them aware. But is there any way I can handle this to help her the most? It's heartbreaking, Gran Gran had told me if anything happens just before to not let it spoil her trip. I didn't think of what would happen while she's away.

This happened to me, my parents told me in the car on the way back from picking me up from the trip. I think your way is better. How old is DD? I would explain to her that Gran Gran specifically told you not to tell her until she was back therefore she knows it was Gran Grans idea and not something you decided by yourself.

My dad recently passed away. My son had a birthday party after school that day so we let him go to his party and have a nice time then told him when he got home. He said he would rather have had the chance to enjoy his party before knowing so was glad we didn’t tell him straight away.

Depends how old your DD is. My DH was not told of a bereavement which happened whilst on a trip and he recalls being very upset not to have been told sooner.

I personally would not wait til the next day as when your DD asks how you are you would have to lie. I think I would say at the first opportunity I saw them if under 14, and on the phone earlier if 14+.

@Hellocatshome

This happened to me, my parents told me in the car on the way back from picking me up from the trip. I think your way is better. How old is DD? I would explain to her that Gran Gran specifically told you not to tell her until she was back therefore she knows it was Gran Grans idea and not something you decided by yourself.

Thank you! She's 11. That's a really good idea to frame it that way. I'll stress the fact that Gran Gran wanted her to have the best trip ever.

@Newuser82

My dad recently passed away. My son had a birthday party after school that day so we let him go to his party and have a nice time then told him when he got home. He said he would rather have had the chance to enjoy his party before knowing so was glad we didn’t tell him straight away.

That's really good to know his experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that

Is she an only child, or is anyone else likely to tell her ?

Sorry , just re read . She is your youngest

@rrhuth

Depends how old your DD is. My DH was not told of a bereavement which happened whilst on a trip and he recalls being very upset not to have been told sooner.

I personally would not wait til the next day as when your DD asks how you are you would have to lie. I think I would say at the first opportunity I saw them if under 14, and on the phone earlier if 14+.

That's so useful, thank you. She's 11, and I absolutely don't think I could let her know over the phone (she will need to sob in my chest). However, it's also really good to hear your thoughts on not leaving it too long either.

I think I'll let her gush as much as she wants, and then as soon as focus turns to how things were for us I'll gently let her know.

@123rd

Sorry , just re read . She is your youngest

Yup, you gest but 12 year old here with me I've asked her thoughts on when we tell her and she's on board. Eldest 17 and mostly at the BFs! But has asked to be there when we tell her so she can support her too (which I'll do if I'm able)

I.would tell her the evening she gets home, after asking about the trip. I wouldn't tell school until after you've told DD. Someone will try to do or say something kind too early and let it slip.

So sorry for your loss . Your plan is good. It gives her some time so she won't always associate her great memories of the trip with the sad ones of hearing that gran died.

I think at least waiting until she's back home is a must. I'd probably wait till the next day too - I don't think there's anything to be gained really from her knowing a day sooner? Unless she asks about her gran herself - I'm not sure I would lie if she asked specifically. But if she doesn't raise it, I'd let her come back home and channel her excitement first. Unless she's likely to find out another way, I don't think there's a necessity to rush.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You know your dd best, so I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Just a word of caution. I was not told immediately about the death of my beloved grandmother because it was my birthday and my mum didn't want to spoil it for me. I was 9. When I found out later that such an important bit of information had been deliberately kept from me, I was incredibly upset and angry - though I never said anything to my family about it. I really hated the idea of everyone pretending that everything was fine when actually they knew it wasn't. Honestly speaking, it really dented the trust that I had in my mum, and even though I understand that it was done for all the right reasons, I still feel resentful about it now, nearly 40 years later.

I have never told my mum how I felt about this. At the time, she was grieving and it seemed wrong to add to her worries. And there is no point now, as she can't change what happened. I have done things very differently with my own daughter, though. She knows that I will never hide stuff from her in that way.

@AndOtherStories

I.would tell her the evening she gets home, after asking about the trip. I wouldn't tell school until after you've told DD. Someone will try to do or say something kind too early and let it slip.

Thank you!

It does sound like within the evening will be the best timing.

I'll need to talk to the school now as there won't be time over the weekend, and she's likely to need support as soon as she goes in. However, I'm not telling the staff on the trip, but a key contact within the school and I'll make it clear not to pass the info onto the staff on the trip (I agree, I don't want them to accidentally treat her differently) - thank you!

When my first grandad died, I was 10 and had a birthday party to go to that I'd been so excited about, so she didn't tell me until that evening. I'm glad - I don't think there would have been anything gained to tell me beforehand. Without wanting to sound callous, he was as dead at 8pm as he had been at 8am.

@LagneyandCasey

So sorry for your loss . Your plan is good. It gives her some time so she won't always associate her great memories of the trip with the sad ones of hearing that gran died.

Thank you! Yup that's my biggest thing - how I can not taint her experience (as it's the BEST THING EVER!) so just how to decouple it, if I can... so hard...

@SylvanasWindrunner

I think at least waiting until she's back home is a must. I'd probably wait till the next day too - I don't think there's anything to be gained really from her knowing a day sooner? Unless she asks about her gran herself - I'm not sure I would lie if she asked specifically. But if she doesn't raise it, I'd let her come back home and channel her excitement first. Unless she's likely to find out another way, I don't think there's a necessity to rush.

Thank you!

It sounds like it will be judging it on a minute to minute basis to be honest...

@AlexaShutUp

I'm so sorry for your loss. You know your dd best, so I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Just a word of caution. I was not told immediately about the death of my beloved grandmother because it was my birthday and my mum didn't want to spoil it for me. I was 9. When I found out later that such an important bit of information had been deliberately kept from me, I was incredibly upset and angry - though I never said anything to my family about it. I really hated the idea of everyone pretending that everything was fine when actually they knew it wasn't. Honestly speaking, it really dented the trust that I had in my mum, and even though I understand that it was done for all the right reasons, I still feel resentful about it now, nearly 40 years later.

I have never told my mum how I felt about this. At the time, she was grieving and it seemed wrong to add to her worries. And there is no point now, as she can't change what happened. I have done things very differently with my own daughter, though. She knows that I will never hide stuff from her in that way.

That's so useful to know, and I'm sorry for your experience

It sounds like at any point that it feels I'm "forcing" myself to cover up, rather than being genuinely excited for her, I'll need to let her know. I'm sure I'll manage to find the right balance (or will at least, try my best to).

@SylvanasWindrunner

When my first grandad died, I was 10 and had a birthday party to go to that I'd been so excited about, so she didn't tell me until that evening. I'm glad - I don't think there would have been anything gained to tell me beforehand. Without wanting to sound callous, he was as dead at 8pm as he had been at 8am.

Thank you! (And I'm sorry for your experience )

It sounds like at any point that it feels I'm "forcing" myself to cover up, rather than being genuinely excited for her, I'll need to let her know. I'm sure I'll manage to find the right balance (or will at least, try my best to).

I'm sure you will. It's so difficult to get these things right, but you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum and I'm sure you'll find the right moment.

I had this dilemma a couple of weeks ago, although my Grandmother died the day before the trip. I waited until a few days after he returned. There was no rush as the funeral happened overseas during his Residential and we couldn't attend anyway due to Covid restrictions. My son is also 11.

Sorry for your loss.

@AlexaShutUp

It sounds like at any point that it feels I'm "forcing" myself to cover up, rather than being genuinely excited for her, I'll need to let her know. I'm sure I'll manage to find the right balance (or will at least, try my best to).

I'm sure you will. It's so difficult to get these things right, but you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum and I'm sure you'll find the right moment.

Thank you!!

@hedgehoglurker

I had this dilemma a couple of weeks ago, although my Grandmother died the day before the trip. I waited until a few days after he returned. There was no rush as the funeral happened overseas during his Residential and we couldn't attend anyway due to Covid restrictions. My son is also 11.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss too, and that you've been through similar circumstances. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and how you handled it

My Fil died unexpectedly whilst my two DDs were on scout camp (10 +11at the time) We did as suggested let them tell us all about the trip and then told them. They both coped with this well

If it doesn't come up then I wouldn't tell her exactly when she died, I'd just say 'I've got some really sad news, GG has died' and then take it from there. I wouldn't lie but if she doesn't ask then I wouldn't say that it was before she went away.