Gran Gran passed while DD is on school trip

[InABetterPlaceNow]

Just wanting a little advice from the Mumsnet hive mind.

My youngest is currently on her first ever, super exciting residential trip. Away Monday, back on Friday.

Gran Gran (my grandma, her great grandma) passed yesterday after a long fight with cancer. I've been gearing them all up for it, but the end happened really suddenly so it will be a shock.

She's had a huge amount of trauma in her life and it's going to be yet another blow.

My current plan is to pick her up, let her gush about the trip, crash for the night (as she'll be knackered) and tell her at some point over the weekend.

I'm waiting for the school to call me back to talk through it with them too, and make them aware. But is there any way I can handle this to help her the most? It's heartbreaking, Gran Gran had told me if anything happens just before to not let it spoil her trip. I didn't think of what would happen while she's away.

@GardenersDelight

My Fil died unexpectedly whilst my two DDs were on scout camp (10 +11at the time) We did as suggested let them tell us all about the trip and then told them. They both coped with this well

That's really good to know, thank you (and I'm sorry for your loss )

@Tal45

If it doesn't come up then I wouldn't tell her exactly when she died, I'd just say 'I've got some really sad news, GG has died' and then take it from there. I wouldn't lie but if she doesn't ask then I wouldn't say that it was before she went away.

That's a good idea, thank you. To clarify, she passed on the Tuesday, when DD was already away. Thank goodness not just before as that would have been worse. Gran Gran was super organised, and I'm sure she managed to plan a great deal of circumstances around her passing to make it all "just so". She had unbreakable faith, something I strive for

Sorry for the loss of your grandma OP :(

For your DD, I wouldn't wait until the next day, I'd let her chat about the trip on the journey home and then sit her down and tell her once you're in.

I think 11 is old enough to be told the truth as soon as practically possible, especially as, as AlexaShutUp demonstrates, there is potential for bad feeling and even some embarrassment about being kept in the dark while everybody else including her siblings knew. Or even just for her upset to be deflected at you because of that.

It sounds like she was close to her great grandma and this will upset her, in which case I think it's even more important to tell her asap.

I had to pick my dd up from her first overnight camp knowing that my mother was about to pass though we thought we had a couple of days. There was no chance I could have hidden my grief. We ended up getting the news when we stopped for lunch on the long drive home and I saw I had a dozen missed calls while we had been driving (I had turned off my phone for safety just in case)

I wouldn’t wait to tell her after you get home, because she will know something is wrong. No one is that good of an actress. It also isn’t healthy to hold in your own grief. After a brief cry in the middle of the restaurant, I bottled things up so I could focus on the road. Once I got us home and put DH in charge, he found me on the floor of our bedroom, having simply collapsed. I didn’t exactly pass out, but I didn’t just fall down crying either. My body just gave out from the exhaustion of having to ignore my feelings.

I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your grandma. How lovely that you had that relationship well into adulthood. Just from what you have written here, she’s sounds an amazing character. I only ever knew two of my grandparents and lost the last of those at ten. My children only have one grandparent left alive. How old was your Gran Gran? It sounds like she was still living an active life?
I lost my closest friend suddenly last year and wasn’t able to tell my dd about it for a while, it was very difficult.

I think this is an incredibly personal thing and there are no right or wrong answers.

My perspective - something similar happened to me when I was a little older than your DD (not a bereavement, but some very bad news being held back while I was excited about something else).

When I found out the truth, I remember feeling so stupid for being so excited about something so trivial in comparison, and felt so foolish that I had been wittering on and on about it to my parents while they did their best to smile and humour me. It really tarnished my memory of what had been such a positive thing up until that point because I associated it with that feeling of being childish and ridiculous.

If your DD was older I would say to tell her asap. If she was younger, I would say hold back. I think it is tricky because your DD is on the cusp of that transition from child to teen.

When I found out the truth, I remember feeling so stupid for being so excited about something so trivial in comparison, and felt so foolish that I had been wittering on and on about it to my parents while they did their best to smile and humour me. It really tarnished my memory of what had been such a positive thing up until that point because I associated it with that feeling of being childish and ridiculous.

That is very similar to how I felt when I wasn't told about my grandmother's death, @cheeseismydownfall. It felt so humiliating, and I was so angry to have been put in that position. I'm slightly taken aback by how strongly I still feel that anger now tbh.

I think the fact that my older sister knew way before me was a very significant part of what upset me. Like I wasn't old enough to be let in on the truth whereas everyone else was. I felt so stupid.

It's weird how these childhood feelings stick with us. After that, I do remember feeling very anxious as a teen about what else my mum might be hiding from me in order to "protect" me, including an awful lot of fretting about my other grandparents and family pets etc that really wasn't necessary. I guess I had just lost confidence in the notion that I would be told whatever I needed to know.

I'll come back to some individual posts soon, but just spoke to the school who will let people know as appropriate ready for any support needed on Monday. Thank you to PP for me to be able to highlight not to tell any staff on the trip, as there's no need for her to know (especially accidentally)!

Just got to see some photos of her on her adventures

@LittleMysSister

Sorry for the loss of your grandma OP :(

For your DD, I wouldn't wait until the next day, I'd let her chat about the trip on the journey home and then sit her down and tell her once you're in.

I think 11 is old enough to be told the truth as soon as practically possible, especially as, as AlexaShutUp demonstrates, there is potential for bad feeling and even some embarrassment about being kept in the dark while everybody else including her siblings knew. Or even just for her upset to be deflected at you because of that.

It sounds like she was close to her great grandma and this will upset her, in which case I think it's even more important to tell her asap.

Thank you! That sounds entirely sensible. It feels like such a hard balance to try to not spoil her memory of the trip, while not upsetting her more by not telling her. I suppose I just have to admit I'm helpless to be able to really protect her from it, and just tell her when it seems right. My heart just breaks for her, and feels awful to sit here for a few more days knowing I'll have to break the news.

My youngest was 11 when my DH (not his dad) died.
He'd been on a yr 6 residential while DH was ill (cancer) and I'd decided I wouldn't let him know if DH died while he was on the trip.
Who knows what I'd actually have done in the situation, I was very glad I didn't have to find out.

Sorry about your grandma.

@DriftingBlue

I had to pick my dd up from her first overnight camp knowing that my mother was about to pass though we thought we had a couple of days. There was no chance I could have hidden my grief. We ended up getting the news when we stopped for lunch on the long drive home and I saw I had a dozen missed calls while we had been driving (I had turned off my phone for safety just in case)

I wouldn’t wait to tell her after you get home, because she will know something is wrong. No one is that good of an actress. It also isn’t healthy to hold in your own grief. After a brief cry in the middle of the restaurant, I bottled things up so I could focus on the road. Once I got us home and put DH in charge, he found me on the floor of our bedroom, having simply collapsed. I didn’t exactly pass out, but I didn’t just fall down crying either. My body just gave out from the exhaustion of having to ignore my feelings.

I'm so very sorry you had to go through that I hope things are a bit easier now, and I'm sorry if I've triggered painful memories. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I think time will tell on how much I can hold things together, abs if I start to break we'll just sit down in the street if needed (I'll be walking her home from the school).

Lots of good advice here, OP. When I was 16 I went to my first pop concert: David Bowie Ziggy Stardust tour, small venue, right up close. Came home on cloud nine to a hatchet-faced father who told me to go straight to bed: my cousin (whom I'd never met) had been killed in a freak accident. It not only tainted that happy memory for ever but it opened my eyes to how resentful he was of any of his children enjoying life. Your children are lucky to have a much more thoughtful and loving parent.

@SpringSparrow

I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your grandma. How lovely that you had that relationship well into adulthood. Just from what you have written here, she’s sounds an amazing character. I only ever knew two of my grandparents and lost the last of those at ten. My children only have one grandparent left alive. How old was your Gran Gran? It sounds like she was still living an active life? I lost my closest friend suddenly last year and wasn’t able to tell my dd about it for a while, it was very difficult.

Thank you!

She was in her mid 80s, had fought with cancer bravely for more than 3 years, was sharp as a nail right until the night before when pain overtook her. It was absolutely her time, and I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. The girls all knew that she was very, very poorly (but I don't know they really accepted it).

My mum passed a couple of years ago, so I have some idea on what the reaction will be. My grandma was more of a mum to me than my mum was though (and I think my girls relationship was the same, she is more like a grandma).

@cheeseismydownfall

I think this is an incredibly personal thing and there are no right or wrong answers.

My perspective - something similar happened to me when I was a little older than your DD (not a bereavement, but some very bad news being held back while I was excited about something else).

When I found out the truth, I remember feeling so stupid for being so excited about something so trivial in comparison, and felt so foolish that I had been wittering on and on about it to my parents while they did their best to smile and humour me. It really tarnished my memory of what had been such a positive thing up until that point because I associated it with that feeling of being childish and ridiculous.

If your DD was older I would say to tell her asap. If she was younger, I would say hold back. I think it is tricky because your DD is on the cusp of that transition from child to teen.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

That's exactly where I'm struggling - I so desperately want her to enthuse about every part of her trip, and want it as the special memory it is for her, while also not having her later reflect and think we were just "nodding and smiling".

I guess I won't know till I pick her up - and will let my feelings guide me on when the time is right.

@AlexaShutUp

When I found out the truth, I remember feeling so stupid for being so excited about something so trivial in comparison, and felt so foolish that I had been wittering on and on about it to my parents while they did their best to smile and humour me. It really tarnished my memory of what had been such a positive thing up until that point because I associated it with that feeling of being childish and ridiculous.

That is very similar to how I felt when I wasn't told about my grandmother's death, @cheeseismydownfall. It felt so humiliating, and I was so angry to have been put in that position. I'm slightly taken aback by how strongly I still feel that anger now tbh.

I think the fact that my older sister knew way before me was a very significant part of what upset me. Like I wasn't old enough to be let in on the truth whereas everyone else was. I felt so stupid.

It's weird how these childhood feelings stick with us. After that, I do remember feeling very anxious as a teen about what else my mum might be hiding from me in order to "protect" me, including an awful lot of fretting about my other grandparents and family pets etc that really wasn't necessary. I guess I had just lost confidence in the notion that I would be told whatever I needed to know.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and I'm sorry you had to go through that (and that my post triggered the feelings).

I know deep down it would be right to tell her while she's in the trip - she'll need Mummy to be there to work through her feelings. But I'll keep this in mind for how long I leave it to share it with her

@Chasingsquirrels

My youngest was 11 when my DH (not his dad) died. He'd been on a yr 6 residential while DH was ill (cancer) and I'd decided I wouldn't let him know if DH died while he was on the trip. Who knows what I'd actually have done in the situation, I was very glad I didn't have to find out.

Sorry about your grandma.

I'm so sorry you've had to live through that and thank you so much for your wishes

@Shedbuilder

Lots of good advice here, OP. When I was 16 I went to my first pop concert: David Bowie Ziggy Stardust tour, small venue, right up close. Came home on cloud nine to a hatchet-faced father who told me to go straight to bed: my cousin (whom I'd never met) had been killed in a freak accident. It not only tainted that happy memory for ever but it opened my eyes to how resentful he was of any of his children enjoying life. Your children are lucky to have a much more thoughtful and loving parent.

Ooofh. I'm so sorry you had to go through that Thank you for your kind words!

A message up above meant to say it wouldn't be right to tell her on the trip! If there's one thing I'm absolutely sure of it's that she doesn't need to know until she's home with Mummy.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I think the fact that her siblings already know, means that you cannot wait until the next day. I don’t know how to phrase it, but there is space for happiness as well as tears during grief. You can have a very sad conversation about how awful it is that Gran Gran has died, and your daughter can also tell you about the fun she had on her lovely trip that her Gran Gran wanted her to enjoy.

Rather than bad news ruining her memories of her trip, or feeling embarrassed that she came home so excited when you were all grieving without her knowing, her memories and stories of her trip can be a lasting tribute to her Gran Gran who was excited about the trip on your daughter’s behalf, and wanted her to have an amazing time.

It’s all so hard, but you sound like a lovely mum, and I’m sure the conversation will happen naturally as soon as you and your daughter are back together. x

No need to be sorry, OP, these things happen — but thank you for reading my post. I note other people are talking about losing their mothers and it seems to me that when an elderly great-grandmother dies it's sad but not as devastating as losing a parent. Your daughter will understand that GranGran (who I'm assuming was your grandmother) was elderly and unwell. Good luck.

@Derbee

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I think the fact that her siblings already know, means that you cannot wait until the next day. I don’t know how to phrase it, but there is space for happiness as well as tears during grief. You can have a very sad conversation about how awful it is that Gran Gran has died, and your daughter can also tell you about the fun she had on her lovely trip that her Gran Gran wanted her to enjoy.

Rather than bad news ruining her memories of her trip, or feeling embarrassed that she came home so excited when you were all grieving without her knowing, her memories and stories of her trip can be a lasting tribute to her Gran Gran who was excited about the trip on your daughter’s behalf, and wanted her to have an amazing time.

It’s all so hard, but you sound like a lovely mum, and I’m sure the conversation will happen naturally as soon as you and your daughter are back together. x

Thank you, so much. This has reframed things for me a lot.

There's a lot of space to be able to let her know, while also saying how much we all, and Gran Gran were super excited for her trip and want to know everything about it. Perhaps even I think that Gran Gran can still hear her talk adventures and we can tell her together if that feels appropriate.

That feels absolutely right. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing. I can include Gran Gran in the talks and laugh and cry together at the mixed bag life is. Thank you so much

@Shedbuilder

No need to be sorry, OP, these things happen — but thank you for reading my post. I note other people are talking about losing their mothers and it seems to me that when an elderly great-grandmother dies it's sad but not as devastating as losing a parent. Your daughter will understand that GranGran (who I'm assuming was your grandmother) was elderly and unwell. Good luck.

Thank you it's a tricky one for me personally, because my Mum was far more poorly throughout her life and unwell for a lot longer. Though a Grandma (Great even!), this feels more like a loss of a Mum (Grandma) - my kids might feel a bit different, hopefully so, but I think we're all a bit skewed in that perspective. It will definitely be hard for her to cope with. It's been harder for me, personally, to accept her passing than it was Mums. She was a massive source of strength and love to us all And you'd never have known she was as poorly as she was unless you read the paperwork.

Sounds like a good way to do it.

My grandmother died at a similar age, it was just after my 10th birthday.

My parents picked me up from school at usual letting out time. Told me at home. But then sent me to the birthday party sleepover i was due to attend that night. It really wasn't great and i wish they had waited or not sent me.

You are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter the time to enjoy her trip, share her enjoyment with yourselves. But then also giving her the weekend to process.

I'm so sorry for your loss tho.

@Whattheschitt

Sounds like a good way to do it.

My grandmother died at a similar age, it was just after my 10th birthday.

My parents picked me up from school at usual letting out time. Told me at home. But then sent me to the birthday party sleepover i was due to attend that night. It really wasn't great and i wish they had waited or not sent me.

You are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter the time to enjoy her trip, share her enjoyment with yourselves. But then also giving her the weekend to process.

I'm so sorry for your loss tho.

Thank you for sharing your experience! That's really helpful, and I'm sorry for your loss

I hope you are okay @InABetterPlaceNow. It's your loss too.

I remember my mother, who I didn't live with, telling me when I was six that my grandad had died. I cried. She immediately started tickling me to stop me from crying. I wasn't even allowed five minutes to be sad. So don't do that .