Gran Gran passed while DD is on school trip

[InABetterPlaceNow]

Just wanting a little advice from the Mumsnet hive mind.

My youngest is currently on her first ever, super exciting residential trip. Away Monday, back on Friday.

Gran Gran (my grandma, her great grandma) passed yesterday after a long fight with cancer. I've been gearing them all up for it, but the end happened really suddenly so it will be a shock.

She's had a huge amount of trauma in her life and it's going to be yet another blow.

My current plan is to pick her up, let her gush about the trip, crash for the night (as she'll be knackered) and tell her at some point over the weekend.

I'm waiting for the school to call me back to talk through it with them too, and make them aware. But is there any way I can handle this to help her the most? It's heartbreaking, Gran Gran had told me if anything happens just before to not let it spoil her trip. I didn't think of what would happen while she's away.

Just to add on to what I mentioned in my previous post, my Mum passed 2 years ago after being a lot more poorly for a lot longer and my kids were floored by it (to the point of not being able to go to school) as it was quite traumatic. Youngest was particularly clingy to me. So "closer" family member experiences, grandmas (to the kids) I feel is exactly the level of feeling I'll be dealing with, as it will bring up memories of that loss too if that makes sense. It certainly has for me at least. My grandma was my Mum (in every way but name). And I'm next of kin.

@SunshineCake1

I hope you are okay *@InABetterPlaceNow*. It's your loss too.

I remember my mother, who I didn't live with, telling me when I was six that my grandad had died. I cried. She immediately started tickling me to stop me from crying. I wasn't even allowed five minutes to be sad. So don't do that .

Thank you!! Yup, processing.

I promise I will never, ever do that!!!!

Sorry, reflecting. PP is right in that the "shock" factor isn't there, and thank you to so many who have shared stories where that's the case, and I'm deeply sorry for your losses.

It was a shock still - we had no timeline and thought months at least. But we did know it was coming. Never really prepared though

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother

@bowchicawowwow

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother

Thank you

I am sorry that Gran Gran has died and it sounds like you will be a great source of comfort for your DDs in the coming days.

I am almost certain that this won't be an issue for you but has your DD got a phone at camp with her?

I remember when my Granny died (Dad's Mum).

There was a phone call in the night that woke me up (I was in Year 9 at school).

My dad was away for work and I remember shouting out "What is it?" and my Mum replied "Shut up nothing go back to sleep".

In the morning I was getting ready for school and she shouted out "that phonecall was from the hospital, Granny died"

I was distraught as i loved her and spent so much time with her and felt utterly robbed.

I was told to shut up and get in the car so that I wouldn't be late for school.

It still hurts as much now as it did then as I found out that the hospital called so she could have someone with her when she died.

@StarCat2020

I am sorry that Gran Gran has died and it sounds like you will be a great source of comfort for your DDs in the coming days.

I am almost certain that this won't be an issue for you but has your DD got a phone at camp with her?

I remember when my Granny died (Dad's Mum).

There was a phone call in the night that woke me up (I was in Year 9 at school).

My dad was away for work and I remember shouting out "What is it?" and my Mum replied "Shut up nothing go back to sleep".

In the morning I was getting ready for school and she shouted out "that phonecall was from the hospital, Granny died"

I was distraught as i loved her and spent so much time with her and felt utterly robbed.

I was told to shut up and get in the car so that I wouldn't be late for school.

It still hurts as much now as it did then as I found out that the hospital called so she could have someone with her when she died.

Thank you No, she wasn't allowed to bring her phone.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience. It breaks my heart when parents are so thoughtless I know how important it is to frame the news, hence thinking very carefully about this one.

Thank you thanks No, she wasn't allowed to bring her phone.
That is a big relief as you won't find out accidentally.

I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience. It breaks my heart when parents are so thoughtless
Thank you, it means a lot to know there are people out there like you.
I am pretty much NC with her now.

I hope that your DD had a god time at camp despite the crappy weather and I am sure that your instincts will guide you to the right time to break the news.

We discovered that DD's friend and DS's classmates had been found murdered when we were on holiday, they knew the girls were missing as that happened in the days before we went away but while we were on holiday their bodies were found. We took the decision not to tell them the awful truth and to let them enjoy the rest of their holiday. We were in the depths of rural wales with no TV signal and limited access to the shops etc so keeping them in the dark for the last few days was easy. Telling them the truth was hard. Really hard. This all happened back in 2002 but even now I am convinced (and they tell me) that it was the right decision.

I am sorry for your loss

@bloodywhitecat

We discovered that DD's friend and DS's classmates had been found murdered when we were on holiday, they knew the girls were missing as that happened in the days before we went away but while we were on holiday their bodies were found. We took the decision not to tell them the awful truth and to let them enjoy the rest of their holiday. We were in the depths of rural wales with no TV signal and limited access to the shops etc so keeping them in the dark for the last few days was easy. Telling them the truth was hard. Really hard. This all happened back in 2002 but even now I am convinced (and they tell me) that it was the right decision.

I am sorry for your loss

I'm so, so sorry you had to make those decisions and had to break such awful news. It pails in comparison to what I have to do, but I'll take comfort that even in that situation, the way I'm planning to play it would be the right one.

I hope justice was served, but know that even if it was nothing can make that better

@InABetterPlaceNow I hope everything went ok with telling your DD your sad news this weekend.

[quote Derbee]@InABetterPlaceNow I hope everything went ok with telling your DD your sad news this weekend.[/quote]
Thank you

I took all advice on board, and for better or worse (we were walking home) told her in the middle of a field.

She sobbed her heart out and I wondered if I made the right choice, as perhaps I should have waited till we were home. But her sister was eager to talk to her on the way home and it wasn't fair for us to all know something she didn't and for her sister to try to remember not to mention it.

I said Gran Gran would have wanted to hear all about her trip and maybe she could hear her too. When she spoke to her sister, she said she was sad because she's heard the news, and sister told her about the electric blanket I'd brought home and that they could snuggle under it together. Then sister made her some pop tarts for when she got home.

They all seem to be coping OK (me not so much!), a few weeks until the funeral so things might be hard then.

Thank you!

I think it sounds like you handled it perfectly. You and her lovely sister. Hope everything goes well with the funeral. Take care x

@Newuser82

I think it sounds like you handled it perfectly. You and her lovely sister. Hope everything goes well with the funeral. Take care x

Thank you! And thank you so much for everyone's advice. It really helped me to do things as best as I could for her!

I agree, it sounds like you handled everything just right. It was never going to be easy, but to have given your children such a safe space to process their emotions, you have been a great mum. I hope you all continue to talk and heal. It’s never easy