OH has died. What happens now? Thoughts.

[earlystreetlight]

Hello my DH died on Sunday night. After a year of cancer. And two weeks of nursing at home. My DC and I were with him. It was as good as it could have been.

A GP came and certified the death. The syringe drive and morphine were picked up. His body has been picked up by the undertakers They are visiting tomorrow to discuss the next steps.

We have a will.

What can you tell me about the next steps? What insights? What do I need to do or watch out for? Think about?

I am exhausted so this will really help. Thank you kind people.

I don’t have anything useful to add but just wanted to say I’m really sorry for your loss and sending you

My deepest condolences. I guess immediate actions are to tell people, and book a funeral. The undertakers will be helpful and tell you about how to get a death certificate which you need to begin to tell banks etc.

Later on you will need to sort probate if you are the executor.

Sending you all a hug.

I'm so sorry. One practical thing is when you register his death, ask to have multiple copies of the death certificate. You will need them when you update or close bank accounts, deal with insurance and so on.

I found this useful after my mother died. So sorry about your partner.
www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

I’m sorry for your loss. Don’t rush to do anything other than funeral. I contacted work to get the insurance and pensions moving but that was it for months. We didn’t need probate as everything was in joint names apart from his bank account and phone.

Defintely get a few copies of the death certificate. Honestly there’s no rush. I didn’t cancel his phone for a year or close his bank account for 15 months. I still haven’t changed our joint account to just my name and I’m still working through a couple of pensions 2 years later. I paid off the mortgage but have only just got round to putting the house just in my name. No rush for anything

Lots of love

Oh and redo your will. I did that quite quickly to make sure I had trusts and things set up for the children in case something happened to me

I'm so sorry.

I would say good places to start are Tell Us Once, who as it says tell several people at once, and deciding on an undertaker. You've already done one of those so you're quite far ahead.

I'd also say, ring your own GP and make an appointment. They'll probably aim to fit you in quite soon, at least for a phone chat. Tell them you're exhausted and don't know what to do.

If anyone offers help, say yes but I don't know what yet, text me about what you're good at. Things people did for me (over several months: organise the wake, take stuff to the charity shop, meet in the pub for a chat, drag me out on walks, take me to the gym, come round for tea, makea few meals for the freezer, help me clear a space I could hardly bear to go into. Say yes to every offer.

So sorry for your loss.

I would add, did your DH have any subscriptions that need cancelling? Such as online newspapers, magazines.

So sorry for your loss.

The funeral directors should be able to walk you through most things.

So sorry for your loss...

The main thing to do is to let everybody know, and let people care... about you and for you

Maybe not relevant but is the car in your name? Or you may not be insured now.

I’m so sorry that your DH died. What an exhausting and horrendous year you must have all had. I agree that almost everything can wait. Just do the stuff you have to and the stuff you want to. Everything else will happen when you’re ready. There is no right or wrong about your next steps. Look after yourself and your children. All the best.

One thing I found helpful was to get a notebook. As you think of things that need to be done, or are advised, write each thing down on a fresh page.
You can add actions as they happen e.g. xyz bank, account number etc, called to tell them, sent cert on x date
It helps when your mind is whirring to write stuff down, and let the book remember, so your mind can easily forget about it.
So sorry for your loss xx

A suggestion from a relative who's a vicar is to not make big decisions about money and houses and the like for at least 6 months. It may sound very premature of me to say this but it's important to not rush to make big decisions allow yourself and you children time to grieve and time to learn what a new normal will be without your DH in your lives.
Don't be afraid to cry and wail and sob and laugh and joke and just share emotions together, grief is horrible and unrelenting in those first weeks and months but one day you will suddenly realise that he's in your thoughts and you don't instantly want to sob. In the last 20 years I've lost my dad, My grandparents and 2set of in laws...and probably saddest of all my beautiful baby grandson. You never ever stop missing them I would say you learn to live with the pain and the hole left in your life.
Reach out for support, if you can afford it and feel it might help consider counselling, it's helped me and my mum after loosing my dad.

I'm sending many many hugs for you all.

The funeral directors will be able to help.

You do need to make an appointment to register his death, they can sort a lot of the things at that appointment such as cancel passport, drivers licence, change council tax through Tell Us Once.

Then make a list of what you need to do and don’t rush.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I second what PP said about a notebook (and pen) and keep it with you, write stuff down.
Tell us once is a service we used when my step mother died. Really really useful, although my dad found that one of the hardest things because it felt a little bit like she'd just been erased in one phone call.
If he was below retirement age, look into the bereavement benefit. I can't remember the amounts but it definitely helped us get through the funeral costs.
Accept help if and when it's offered.
And remember that while it's a really sad time for you all, it's OK to laugh, smile and remember the good times.
Hugs. X

Maybe you and your DC can spend some time thinking about how you would like to remember your DH at his funeral.

Songs he liked, poems, hymns, who you would like to speak, photographs that you would like to share. Even the style of the Order of Service. This kept us occupied for some days after my DM died.

Also it helped me to keep busy (I know it must be very different with your DH), so I send off letters and starting getting everything together for probate.,

So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.
I would say that you need to practice self care. Try to eat nutritious food, and look after yourself. Grief is gruelling, so you need this, but also, many children become concerned that they will lose their other parent too, Seeing that you are coping will really help.

@Colinthedaxi

Maybe not relevant but is the car in your name? Or you may not be insured now.

They usually give you a months grace in such circumstances (they did when my husband died, it was his policy, I was a named driver). So won't be an immediate thing to sort, but they do need to be informed.

Don't expect too much of yourself. Grieving is exhausting. You're probably in shock now, so it will hit you in stages. Do you work? If so, take as much time off as they will give you. Get signed off sick if necessary.

Someone mentioned the car insurance. Don't worry about that immediately. You're permitted to keep driving with insurance as is for a couple of months but not forever. My DF was very worked up in case he was uninsured after DM died - he drove her/their car back from the hospital- so I looked it up.

So sorry for your loss. Definitely agree with a pp no need to rush and certainly try not to make any big decisions on money or housing for as long as possible. Equally regarding your decision on a final resting place don't rush - we waited 6 months after my DM died to finally decide on this it was hard as there was no where to go "visit" but with hindsight the best thing we did, as we were too distraught to make good decisions at that time.

@MissCherryCakeyBun

A suggestion from a relative who's a vicar is to not make big decisions about money and houses and the like for at least 6 months. It may sound very premature of me to say this but it's important to not rush to make big decisions allow yourself and you children time to grieve and time to learn what a new normal will be without your DH in your lives. Don't be afraid to cry and wail and sob and laugh and joke and just share emotions together, grief is horrible and unrelenting in those first weeks and months but one day you will suddenly realise that he's in your thoughts and you don't instantly want to sob. In the last 20 years I've lost my dad, My grandparents and 2set of in laws...and probably saddest of all my beautiful baby grandson. You never ever stop missing them I would say you learn to live with the pain and the hole left in your life. Reach out for support, if you can afford it and feel it might help consider counselling, it's helped me and my mum after loosing my dad.

I'm sending many many hugs for you all.

Agree with all of this. No rush to do anything once the funeral is sorted - be kind to yourself.

I'm almost 3 months on and I've still done barely anything. There's no rush.

You need to register the death - look at your country council's website. It's still being done by telephone appointment here, which is helpful.

For the time being, let the funeral director do their thing and don't worry about the details. I was worried I hadn't been involved enough and that the service wouldn't be personal enough but somehow they managed something lovely by asking me a handful of questions.

In a few days do the Tell Us Once thing and that will deal will all the government things like cancelling any benefit and changing Council Tax.

Remember to claim the bereavement grant, but again no rush unless you're in need of the cash.

When people offer help, take it!

When my dad died in December we got a link to tell the DWP, the DVLA, the civil service for his pension. This came with the stuff from registering the death. Multiple copies of the death certificate too.

Ensure you have your own bank account to access money. My mum was frozen from all accounts at once leaving her with no access to money while they removed my dad from the account.

I'm so sorry for your loss.