OH has died. What happens now? Thoughts.

[earlystreetlight]

Hello my DH died on Sunday night. After a year of cancer. And two weeks of nursing at home. My DC and I were with him. It was as good as it could have been.

A GP came and certified the death. The syringe drive and morphine were picked up. His body has been picked up by the undertakers They are visiting tomorrow to discuss the next steps.

We have a will.

What can you tell me about the next steps? What insights? What do I need to do or watch out for? Think about?

I am exhausted so this will really help. Thank you kind people.

sorry, OP

Remember to claim the bereavement grant, but again no rush unless you're in need of the cash.

Oh good point. There is a (semi) rush on this as it is only backdated so far. I missed out on six months of payments as I didn't know I was eligible. It is not means tested.
You only need to deal with this in a month or so though, not immediately

First thing you need to do is to make the appointment to register his death. They will give you an access code for the Tell us Once service. Nothing else has to be done quickly, so take each day as it comes. I lost my DDad in July I think I have now completed everything I needed to, now I am going to allow myself to grieve.
Look after yourself and your children. So sorry for your loss

ensure you have your own bank account to access money. My mum was frozen from all accounts at once leaving her with no access to money while they removed my dad from the account.

That should not have happened if the accounts were joint. They should be automatically transferred to the surviving account holder (no need for probate) so that's outrageous if your mum was left without access to her own money. Any accounts in the sole name of the deceased will be frozen however.

Sorry for your loss.

Practical things to do - make a list of everything you do, who you speak to and when. Write down what was said. It’ll be invaluable later when you wonder if you contacted xyz or not. Or if you did send that piece of paper that they wanted etc.

Give yourself time and do what you need to do. Sounds odd, but I was bought a charity shop dinner service - If you need to smash up some china to get rid of the rage - do it. Chanel whatever emotion you have safely.
Get counselling - it’s invaluable to have a safe space to say what you don’t feel you can to others.

sorry for your loss
My DH has cancer but not terminal at this point (but looked like it was at 1 point)
He has made sure that
All policies in my name
I have all passwords
I know what pensions and accounts are in place

A friend didnt even know the password to her DHs computer and had no idea about his pension which spurred us on a bit.

What position are you in?

@Groovee

When my dad died in December we got a link to tell the DWP, the DVLA, the civil service for his pension. This came with the stuff from registering the death. Multiple copies of the death certificate too.

Ensure you have your own bank account to access money. My mum was frozen from all accounts at once leaving her with no access to money while they removed my dad from the account.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Only sole accounts are frozen, joint accounts just had DH's name. Surprisingly straightforward actually.

Sorry for your loss. I have been through the deaths of my DH (sudden, very young), my sister (cancer, also far too young) and most recently my father (elderly, multiple causes, an expected death).

Most importantly, look after yourself, eat properly, accept help and don't hesitate to ask for actual specific help if you need it. Loads of people will say 'if you need anything, just ask' but they won't proactively offer anything specific. So if you need childcare on a specific day, or someone to sit with you while you deal with the horrible tasks of choosing a coffin, or help drawing up lists of people to notify, or just can't face cleaning the bathroom, ask someone. People usually feel good about helping out but aren't sure what to offer to do.

As far as practicalities go, if you had a year of dealing with cancer, did you have time to sort things out in advance like getting accounts into joint names? If not, switching things like utility bills into your name is probably the first thing you will have to do once the funeral is over. Funeral directors will help you with things like newspaper announcements or suggesting charity donations for friends if you want them.

How old are your DC? Winston's Wish has great advice on how to help children through this. I think some hospices and cancer charities also have help lines and services for children.

The 'tell us once' service is very easy to use once you have a death certificate. For everything not covered by that, try googling the name of the utility/insurance companies/pension providers/bank etc plus 'bereavement' and you should find they have a dedicated number for you to call, or just forms on the website you can fill in rather than having to explain yourself to call centres every time.

You may be able to handle probate yourself, but it is definitely worth at least talking to a solicitor first before you embark on it - there are various levels of service they can provide, from doing everything (expensive) to just helping you format information and submitting the probate forms.

I am sorry for your loss.
Take time to grieve in your own way and don't rush about trying to do everything immediately. It's perfectly Ok to get someone else to answer the phone or the door and field all the well meaning but annoying calls.

Also be prepared it could take a while to get an appointment at the registry office to register the death. I had to drive to the other end of the County to register my Mum when she passed.

I do recommend a bereavement counsellor if you or your kids are really struggling. And Cruise can be helpful too.

Be prepared for people acting a bit strangely and avoiding you because they don't know what to say.

And just be aware, grief can literally feel like a heavy load.
Sending love.

I found I became very forgetful when my father passed away , my memory returned but it happened again when my mother passed away. So much that I was sitting in the undertakers proofreading the order of service and yes yes it was perfect. So there I am sitting at the funeral holding said order of service which had completely the wrong date of birth on it. My first thought was oh the undertaker had messed up until I looked at the draft one they had given me in the day I checked it and yep, the date was wrong on that too. So what I’m saying is be gentle with yourself, you will be forgetful and unable to concentrate on anything and that is perfectly normal.

@FiveGoMadInDorset

The funeral directors will be able to help.

You do need to make an appointment to register his death, they can sort a lot of the things at that appointment such as cancel passport, drivers licence, change council tax through Tell Us Once.

Then make a list of what you need to do and don’t rush.

This info is spot on. Tell us Once is so helpful. You will also find that banks etc have a dedicated bereavement team, who will walk you through stuff too.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

My mum passed away recently and once we spoke to our undertaker it was like a weight had been lifted. We chose an undertaker that came recommended to us and they were just amazing - they kept us right. Once they knew our wishes / mums wishes, they took over and if there was anything we needed to do, they wrote it down and called with gentle reminders if we forgot.

As others have said you will need to register the death and also use the Tell Us Once - you can’t do that until you have the death certificate though as you will need to input the registration number etc.

If you've had any input from MacMillan, they might well help you. They helped me with the immediate arrangements and official stuff back when my DH died.

I found everyone I had to contact to be incredibly helpful and kind. I hope you do too.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Colleague lost husband to cancer a few yrs ago. She asked us all at the wake something like "Does anyone have a manual how to be a widow?"

Dunno if this is possible in UK, but when my mom died it was useful to have multiple copies of the death certificate. In case a copy has to be sent off or shown to different people in different places at same time.

I'm sorry for your loss. Having seen someone I know go through this only a few months ago, I'd echo contacting Tell Us Once and that will cover most of the basics.

You'll need to register the death and obtain Death Certificates but that has been streamlined since Covid and in my experience be done online or on the phone.

One of the things you will probably want to think about soon is the kind of service and burial arrangements you'd like. If you and your husband had clear ideas and you know what he wanted it will be straightforward. If not, it can help to start thinking about it now. My own mum regretted not putting more thought into my father's funeral: she was so shocked that she just accepted the standard package which afterwards she acknowledged he would have hated.

If your home and finances are secure, that's pretty much all you need to do immediately. If you're going to need to apply for benefits etc then Cruse www.cruse.org.uk is a good source of support and advice.

I wish you all the best. I have been through the terminal nursing experience and I know how tough it is.

Sorry to read this.

Don’t be in a rush to tell banks etc. They tend to stop all activity - even joint accounts. Past experience here.

Gas, electricity, phones etc can also wait.

Go through things with the funeral director. They’ll tell you what needs to be done now and what can wait.

I agree with pp saying get several death certificates. So many places will only accept an original. If you have to order more copies later it is much more expensive.
So sorry for your loss.

First of all my deepest condolences and sympathies I’ve been dealing with this for my parents who passed away and them having a will has made it so much easier .
So If you have a will then that make things much easier and clearer for you to deal with stuff

Funeral directors are generally very good at signposting you with regards to what to do next .

But first registrar the death when you are up to it with the local council . You ring up and make an appointment
but when I did it a few weeks ago it was an all day appointment and they call on a withheld number
You

Get around 5 copies of the death certificate as some places will only accept the original and it’s easier if you have a few copies rather than waiting for one to come back . If you aren’t up to doing this yourself then a family member can do it for you with your permission . But they will need all your husbands details and also your details name date of birth and stuff

The registrar when you register the death will give you a reference for tell it once service which tells all the DWP pensions passports licence places - you don’t have to do this straight away but you have 28 days after you registered the death to do it by . But getting the death certificate is important as you can’t do much paper wise without one

With the will you will need the original one for probate but everywhere else will accept photocopies and the death certificate
Pretty much all banks insurance and business have dedicated departments that deal with bereavements and they are very good and helpful
If it’s possible before you close any bank accounts get a months statements so you can see any personal direct debits that you need to inform like car Insurance

If you have life insurance policies inform them they are normally pretty good at getting stuff done quickly

One thing that’s helpful is getting a notebook to write notes
And I have a folder with all my parents info in such as their wills certificates my mums probate certificate NI number
This means that I have everything to hand and it’s easy to pass over to someone else to do if I not able to

Apply for this payment, it isn't means tested
www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

100% second the advice to get a notebook and start writing things down.

The first step is to register the death, my mum's was registered online because of covid so that probably is happening in your area. The hospital sent their certificate straight to the registrar and then the registrar phoned for the details, then sent the death certificate.

You do need a couple of copies of the death cert but 90% of places we had to notify managed with electronic copies.

The registrar will send you a link to tell us once which is a really useful service. That will cancel driving licence, passport, sort out any benefits and also sort out your council tax discount.

You need to prioritise your cash flow, so that's dealing with banks, any pension or insurance payouts.

Obviously telling people is a priority but it can be really, really helpful to get other people to do that for you. It is so draining to have the same conversation over and over again, my friends dealt with most of that for me. Similarly mute your phone and sm notifications and only look at messages when you want to. People are so kind but with all the different channels available to us now, it is overwhelming very quickly.

The funeral director will walk you through funeral arrangements.

Look after yourself and allow other people to look after you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Check if you’re entitled to bereavement allowance. It’s not very well known

@RunningStrong when I called the banks as all joint accounts got frozen at once they said it was normal. This was only in January this year. I had to pay my mums bills for the month and when she got access back she paid me back.

@Candleabra

ensure you have your own bank account to access money. My mum was frozen from all accounts at once leaving her with no access to money while they removed my dad from the account.

That should not have happened if the accounts were joint. They should be automatically transferred to the surviving account holder (no need for probate) so that's outrageous if your mum was left without access to her own money. Any accounts in the sole name of the deceased will be frozen however.

I was told it was normal. I paid my mums bills and she paid me back when she got access again. They sent her new cards and everything.

@saraclara

If you've had any input from MacMillan, they might well help you. They helped me with the immediate arrangements and official stuff back when my DH died.

I found everyone I had to contact to be incredibly helpful and kind. I hope you do too.

Thats good

They were appalling useless when Dh had a rare cancer and they are stuck off my list of charities that I support.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I was where you are a year ago. My DH died on 16 September 2020 after 8 months of very difficult illness.

I agree with everything said above. There is no rush. Take time to recover. My DS and I found we slept most of the time for weeks. I was numb for a very long time - I probably still am in some ways. I welcomed it as a way in which my body and brain was protecting me: the reality seemed to dribble out a bit at a time which made it easier to deal with.

The paperwork takes forever (at least 8 months in my case, and some bits still not done) but it is oddly helpful to have a focus. I made a very long to-do-list and worked my way through it very slowly. A good friend brought me some notebooks which were very helpful to make lists and record all the discussions with organisations.

The horror of the diagnosis, illness and death does gradually dissipate and you find yourself remembering them more as they were before. I've found 'occasions' very hard, though - Christmas, birthdays, holidays. I hope that this will diminish in time.

Thinking of you and your family.