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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Dad has died - to see him at funeral directors?

74 replies

MrsG30 · 12/08/2021 23:07

Just the title really. My dad has died. I know I can choose to see him while he is at the funeral directors.

If you chose to visit someone in the funeral directors, what was it like? What could I expect? Do you regret it at all?

I’m struggling so much and miss him so bad, I feel like my heart is in pieces. My chest is tight, my throat hurts, my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure what to expect if I decide to see him.

OP posts:
Checkthemeaning · 12/08/2021 23:10

Sending my love to you. My dad died in January and I made the decision not to see him as I didn't want that image on my brain. I haven't once regretted that decision & know it was the right one for me.

rjacksmiss · 12/08/2021 23:11

My mum took me to see my gran. She looked so peaceful. She just looked like she was sleeping. Her skin was cold. I'll go and see my parents I think. Sorry for your loss. ❤️ xxx

FantasticButtocks · 12/08/2021 23:12

So sorry for your huge loss Thanks

I chose not to see my father once he was dead and I don't regret it. It wasn't a memory of him I wanted to be left with.
But it's obviously a completely personal choice as to whether it would help you in any way. Go with your gut feeling.

Powerplant · 12/08/2021 23:17

I’m so very sorry for your loss.💐It really helped me to see my mum at the funereal directors. Obviously it was a very difficult decision for me but I’m glad that I was able to say a final goodbye 💐

Pinchoftums · 12/08/2021 23:18

It really helped to see my grandfather. I was sad not see my grandmother. It was a peaceful cathartic moment.

BirdyBee · 12/08/2021 23:18

I went to see my gran, I sat with her, held her hand, told her I loved her, but the coldness of her skin really upset me and I took back a small blanket she had knitted to try to warm her (made sense to me at that time of immense loss) for me it was like the final yes my beautiful gran has gone and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

AliceMcK · 12/08/2021 23:20

I’m so sorry for your loss x

I struggled with this. When my Nan died there was a lot of pressure from my family to see her. I did in the end but regretted it as it wasn’t her, not to me anyway. The funeral home was very nice and respectful though.

When my Dad died I didn’t go and see him, but we had an open casket at my parents house the night before his funeral. At first I avoided it but then I did look and it was ok. Obviously it wasn’t him but I didn’t regret seeing him like I did with my Nan. I think the difference was I saw my dad moments after he died a very traumatic death, the image of him in the casket is for me a much better image I want to have of him. I was also nice when family turned up and were able to talk about him.

ozymandiusking · 12/08/2021 23:21

I think the memory of your loved one at the Chapple of Rest is remembered for quite a while. But as time passes, that memory tends to fade as you remember and picture them living and moving in things that you did together. I still dream of my father and I know I'm dreaming but enjoy seeing him smiling. He died 35 years ago.

Original poster
MrsG30 · 12/08/2021 23:22

Thank you all for responding - I keep thinking “oh I’ll see dad soon he’s still in hospital” (he was very sick for a long time) then it hits me all over again when I remember. I suspect it will be helpful to see him, he will still look like dad?

This is the most god awful thing I’ve ever been through 😣

OP posts:
123fushia · 12/08/2021 23:22

I changed my mind and went to the funeral directors the day before my dad’s funeral. I couldn’t go in the room properly, but sat with my sister on the floor, just inside the door. It was ok. We talked quietly together and sent him our love. I am glad that I did what I could.
Bless you. Xx

Original poster
MrsG30 · 12/08/2021 23:24

I’m sorry to everyone that has lost someone, it is heart breaking 💔

OP posts:
wouldntmindbeingmrsw · 12/08/2021 23:25

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It is personal choice, as others have said. Also it's a massive decision to have to make when your head is all over the place and you are grieving.
I did go and see my dad. But I'm not sure it was the right thing to do,as it's my last memory of him. But if I hadn't gone to see him, would I be feeling guilty and wished I had now. I don't know.
There's no wrong or right answer. Do what is right for you.
Sending lots of love.❤️

Blueuggboots · 12/08/2021 23:25

I didn't see my grandparents but I did go and see my partner's dad. It wasn't as bad as I expected but it was a bit odd.
I think you have to be sure it's what you want to do and certainly don't feel bad if you decide not to.

TripleSeptic · 12/08/2021 23:25

I saw my mum, and it wasn't comforting, but it wasn't haunting either. It's not a nightmare that stays with me, the missing her every day is the nightmare, even as the years slip by. It's like losing a bit of yourself, I think. I saw her because if the tables had been turned, she'd have been there with me, and that's why. I felt like I owed it to her. I don't have fond memories of that time, but I have no regrets. Do whatever you need to do to get through. I'm sorry for your loss.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/08/2021 23:27

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm Irish and it's usual here to have an open casket at funerals so for me, seeing the deceased is normal. I've always found it a nice way to say goodbye. However, funerals happen much quicker here - most people would be buried/cremated within 2-3 days of dying.

I think there is no right answer. However, from what I understand, if it's a while after the person died, it's more difficult.

For me, I would feel I was missing something if I didn't see my dad or other close relative but that is cultural. I would say have a chat with the funeral director and they should be able to advise you.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2021 23:27

No personally speaking I wouldnt. It gives comfort to some people and thats fine. Other people like me find the image of their loved one in a coffin stays with them for ever. I would rather remember the person when they were alive. But do whats best for you.

Mischance · 12/08/2021 23:28

I am sorry for the loss of your father.

I saw my mother in the funeral home, and to be honest did not find it helpful; so when my father died I made the choice not to. I do not think it has in any way interfered with coming to terms with the death.

I did not see my OH at the funeral home; nor did I choose to be there when he was taken away by them. I had been watching him die for several weeks and he had been unconscious for about a week, although I was not in the room at the actual moment he died. But I felt that seeing his body once more would not help me, so I did not go.

It is a very personal thing and hard because, until you actually do it, you cannot know whether it will be helpful or not. I am sending a hand hold and hope that you will be able to make the right decision for you.

beccahamlet · 12/08/2021 23:28

I offer my condolences and warm thoughts. The only experience I have had of seeing a dead relative wasn't positive for me. I wouldn't do it again.

Heathcliff27 · 12/08/2021 23:32

When my grandma died I went with my mum to see her and she looked awful, I regretted it. My mum always told me she didnt want anyone going to see her when it was her time. When she died I didnt want to see her but also felt like I had to go, I decided in the end to go and sit with her closed coffin for a while and spoke to her. Sending love to you, I don't think theres a right or wrong answer here Thanks

Strokethefurrywall · 12/08/2021 23:33

I’m so sorry for your loss.
We lost our younger brother a few years back and we were with him when he passed. I didn’t want to leave him that day, at the hospital because I was so scared I wouldn’t see him again.
It helped me so much when my parents said we would see him at the funeral home in his casket. By the time I went and saw him lying there a week later, it was a moment of acceptance that “he” was no longer there. It was just his body, his spirit had long gone.

For me it was peaceful and cathartic and the funeral directors and all who worked there were so respectful and kind. It was part of the acceptance for me and I appreciated being able to see him. I would have struggled even more had I not had that chance to see his body again.

Good luck with what you decide and I wish you strength at this awful time 🙏🏼

SoupDragon · 12/08/2021 23:34

I didn't want to see either of my parents after they had gone and I don't regret it at all. That wasn't them at all any more - they are in my head and in my heart and all around me.

SoupDragon · 12/08/2021 23:35

And so sorry for your loss. It does get better. Flowers

TeamRick · 13/08/2021 00:02

It's hard! I saw my dad in the funeral directors but I hadn't given them much notice and he was freezing cold and looked very small and I wished I had't gone.
A totally different experience when I saw my mum, that was lovely!

My husband, god that was hard he'd had a heart attack in the middle of the night, I was with him and had lots of time with him in a side room but didn't see him again after that! I couldn't bear it!

TeamRick · 13/08/2021 00:03

And I am so sorry for your loss! ❤️

spiderlight · 13/08/2021 01:19

So very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad two years ago - I was with him when he died and sat with him for several hours afterwards. I left to tell my DS, and when I went back, he no longer looked like 'him', somehow - he didn't look any different but it very much felt as if he'd gone. Because of that, I chose not to see him again at the funeral directors. It's a very individual choice though.

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