Dad has died - to see him at funeral directors?

[MrsG30]

Just the title really. My dad has died. I know I can choose to see him while he is at the funeral directors.

If you chose to visit someone in the funeral directors, what was it like? What could I expect? Do you regret it at all?

I’m struggling so much and miss him so bad, I feel like my heart is in pieces. My chest is tight, my throat hurts, my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure what to expect if I decide to see him.

I saw my mother at the hospital after she died. She looked herself, natural and peaceful. It was a healing experience for me. However I saw my father at the funeral director’s and he didn’t look like himself. It wasn’t an awful experience, but I prefer my memories of him when he was alive.

My husband died on 5 july , I decided to see him at the chapel of rest with our 14 year old son . I saw him because I didn’t want to regret not seeing him and you only get one chance
I think talking to him actually helped because he went so suddenly he set off for work and never came back. I got to tell him how much I loved him and missed him and now regret not telling him more when he was alive.

I am so sorry you are going through this op. I have mixed experience.
My dad I did see in the ‘chapel of rest’ (us). More to support my step Ma but I found it comforting for myself too.
My mum stipulated ‘no open coffin, no viewing’ type wishes in something she had written. We honoured that. It was exceptionally hard for me not to see her as she does very unexpectedly and by the time I got to her house she had already been taken away. I find it really difficult still a few years later BUT I then immediately am comforted by the thought that that is what she wanted and no way would I have gone against that. I would feel worse if I had disrespected her wishes. She had also fallen and I had a slight indication that my decision was right - the funeral director gave a slight clue.

In the absence of clear wishes of your Dad or any indication that it would be upsetting then just do what feels right.
With my dad he looked like himself and I said some things and felt I said a quiet goodbye to him.
Support.

vickiebee I am so sorry for your loss and everyone else on this thread too. I’m astonished how strong we are and what we do get through minute by minute or day by day as the new reality sinks in and becomes something we live with.
Support all.

@vickibee

My husband died on 5 july , I decided to see him at the chapel of rest with our 14 year old son . I saw him because I didn’t want to regret not seeing him and you only get one chance I think talking to him actually helped because he went so suddenly he set off for work and never came back. I got to tell him how much I loved him and missed him and now regret not telling him more when he was alive.

@vickibee I am so so sorry for you and your sons loss. That is horrific. Although I didn’t see my mum later on, I also spoke to her (coffin closed) and agree it gave a lot of comfort to say things that I was desperate to say.

Sending you and your son love as I know it will still be very, very raw

Sorry for your loss.
I was glad I saw my Mum as they had done her hair 'wrong'. She had thick wavy hair and a fringe all her life. They had styled it in some sort of bouffant quiff. Amazingly my Dad who had already seen her hadn't said anything.
She looked much better than I had last seen her, dying in hospital. And I would recommend saying goodbye like this.

So sorry for your loss. It's so hard.

I went to see my Dad and absolutely hated it but I'm not sure I regret it. So how's that for confusing! I think I would have regretted not seeing him but of course I can't know.

Look after yourself - as with everything to do with grief and loss, there is no right or wrong.

Sorry for your loss.

I went with my mum to see my dad at the chapel of rest, as I didn't want her to go on her own. But I would have rather have not gone. It wasn't my dad there, he was already gone.

Think looking at the comments on the thread, if they were poorly before, seeing them at peace at the chapel of rest - has comforting factors. Though my dad had a brain aneurysm and so we saw him pass away peacefully in the ICU. Though his brain/ him/ was already gone the day before.

Thank you all for the comments - I’ve spoken to the funeral directors and have decided to go an see him on Monday. He was very poorly for a few years and spent a long time in hospital, and I keep thinking “oh I’ll call dad in a bit/visit this afternoon” then it all comes crashing down. I think it will give me closure and I want to see him one last time.

Sending much love to you all

So sorry for your loss - losing my dad was the worst thing ever. 6 years on the grief has settled though.
I saw him in his hospital bed not long after he died, and he was still warm, did look peaceful as he’d looked dreadful just before he died.
As for seeing him in his coffin, I didn’t choose to, in fact we told the funeral director that it was to be a closed coffin as we knew dad wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him. We did visit and sit in the chapel with him in his closed coffin a couple of times though - that was very comforting.
I’ve seen three other dead people, my father in law several days after he died, my grandma whom I was with when she died, and my mother in law again not long after she died in her care home. I had to identify her for the police.
I would say that the only time it really bothered me was my father in law. He’d been dead a few days, and he just didn’t look like he used to. It was good to see all the others, as they were in bed, looked like they were sleeping and peaceful.
If you’re not sure, I’d advise you not to go. You will always remember him how he was alive. Take care x

Sorry, just read your update x

I think it's a personal choice.
I went to see my dad he died 20+ years ago and I can still remember what he looked like now ( nothing like him).

When my dd died it wasn't an option to go and see her. I was devastated. The funeral director let me come in for a whole week before the funeral to sit beside her closed coffin. I spent a lot of hours sitting there.

When my mum died I was with her at the time. She looked so peaceful and had a smile on her face I chose not to go to the funeral directors and see her.

Sorry for your loss

Firstly, sympathy for your loss op.

When our Pa died a few years ago it was sudden, he collapsed at home and got rushed to hospital. The doctors let us stay in the room as they tried to restart his heart but sadly nothing worked.

When the hospital released him to the funeral parlour we went to see him each day, he was dressed in his favourite suit and he looked so very peaceful and years younger. We got a great deal of comfort from that and the staff were wonderful, very respectful and understanding.

Everyone's different though, when my aunt died my mum didn't want to see her, preferring to keep her memories of her when she was alive.

There's no right or wrong when it comes to bereavement. It's very personal.

Thoughts and

I hope your visit gives you peace OP.

My nan had a difficult life (healthwise) and it gave me peace to see her finally at peace. She looked beautiful and years younger. It was the first time I saw her look truly untroubled.

My other granda? I was abroad and had to race home in order to be able to see him before the day of the funeral. The weather was horrendous and it was difficult. The funeral home opened specially for me late at night so that I could say goodbye.

Again, he looked serene and I was able to kiss him (not something done a lot in life - we can be an undemonstrative lot up here in our corner of Scotland - love is there but rarely said or ‘shown’) and arrange his bunnet.

It was my greatest honour to say goodbye properly when I wasn’t there in their final weeks (both sudden).

I loved them deeply and for me, I was glad to tell them but I hope they knew anyway.

Sorry for your loss OP

So sorry for your loss. It’s entirely your own personal choice and I think it helps if you have a living supportive family member with your so you can support each other.
I said goodbye to my mum at the hospital just after she’d died. It was good to have a private goodbye.
There’s no right or wrong way to do things. Just do what you feel is ok for you.

I got phoned up by the funeral director to tell me the extended family were “expecting” me at the chapel of rest.
I didn’t know this was a thing or that it would be happening so it really caught me unawares. I didn’t want to go at all but felt pressurised into it and really regretted having to do it under their stares and comments.
I’d already said my private goodbye and this second time felt unreal. My DH was also expected to go in but I could see he was too upset so I told him to wait outside.
Only do it if you really want to and people around you are kind.
It’s ok to change your mind either way at the last minute too.

• sorry predictive text It should have said loving supportive person

So sorry for your loss. Everyone is different but I am glad I saw my mum. It is very strange and very sad but helped me to accept it.

I saw my Dad twice after he had died in March this year. Once in the hospital around half an hour afterwards and that was awful. He'd been very ill for a while, gone into crisis etc. and that was the end. It showed.

I saw him again at the funeral home in the chapel of rest. I'm so glad I did as they had done a lovely job of making him look much more like his old self, and at peace. It is a much better last image of him than the one we had been confronted with just days earlier.

I think it helped us that the funeral director we chose was someone who had known my Dad fairly well for a long time.

There are no right or wrong answers, and I see you have decided to go now. I'm sure you will be fine, and I hope you find peace.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a really difficult time.

Sorry for your loss @MrsG30. My dad died very suddenly in his early 50s , I went and saw him at the funeral directors and it’s something I’ve regretted for the last 30 + years , I had seen him dead at home and I should have left it there . My mum died a couple of years ago , again I saw her dead at home and I didn’t go to the chapel of rest , I have no regrets .

I lost my dad in April. And I've always declined to view in the Chapel. But I did him. I have no regrets and I think I wouldn't regret it if I didn't see him either. I only went in with dd.

So sorry for your loss, I lost my dad a few weeks ago. At the very last minute I decided not to go in and see my dad in the funeral home, I don't regret it.

My sister went in to see him, she almost felt an obligation to honour my dad by visiting him there,, she regretted it as she got a shock to see him, and said it didn't look like him at all.

Sorry for your loss it is a difficult decision to make .. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago suddenly.. it has been very hard coming to terms with it as he was also in hospital.. I did see him at Chapel of rest as I knew I would have regrets if I hadn't.. he looked beautiful and at peace I'm glad I got to say goodbye as he was alone when he died.. if anything if made his funeral easier for me to deal with..

I didn’t.i was there when he died and I said goodbye then. I don’t regret it.

Im with you on that. Its not my thing to see a shell of them with all energy and aoul disappeared. Whats the point?