Dad has died - to see him at funeral directors?

[MrsG30]

Just the title really. My dad has died. I know I can choose to see him while he is at the funeral directors.

If you chose to visit someone in the funeral directors, what was it like? What could I expect? Do you regret it at all?

I’m struggling so much and miss him so bad, I feel like my heart is in pieces. My chest is tight, my throat hurts, my stomach is in knots. I’m not sure what to expect if I decide to see him.

It's been some time since I did it, and I will admit to being quite scared of what I would see, but I don't regret it. It was a very sudden and unexpected death and having some time to sit with them and hold their hand, whilst it was upsetting at the time, ultimately helped me to come to terms with the loss and move on from the state of complete shock I was in. I remember being surprised at how different their hand felt in mine compared to when they were alive, and I knew that life was gone.

It was quite a strange experience but not traumatic. They were still the person I loved but by seeing and touching them myself I could see that they had moved on. Prior to this I found the thought of cremation absolutely horrific, how could anyone think of doing this to him ? But it took that fear away, the spirit or soul or life force (as you prefer) had already flown free.

I think that in the UK we have in many ways separated ourselves from death, in earlier times it would most likely be the family who washed and laid out their loved one after a loss, so now we don't know what to expect from the reality of death and we are fearful of all it entails, especially when it comes to the physical body.

If you are in two minds I would suggest calling the funeral home and asking them any questions you have about how your father will be laid out, about how he will look, even about the room and how much time you can have. They have seen grief in so many forms, you need not fear any judgement.

You must do what is best for you. I do think that there is some truth in the saying that funerals are not for the dead, but for those who are left behind and I think the same applies to your decision. Your obviously loved your Dad very much and I'm sure he would want you to do whatever brings you greater peace.

Apologies for the essay OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss, please look after yourself. X

Oh I should have added, I visited three times, once was three days after his death and the last time was 9 or 10 days. He did look different on each visit, looking less like the man I loved. Strangely this almost helped me to let him go. I don't want to elaborate too much if you don't feel able to think about it right now but feel free to DM me if it will be helpful x

I was talked into seeing my dad when he dies. I wish I hadn't, it was horrible and I found it very upsetting. It just wasn't him. I would rather have remembered him as he was. However I know not everyone feels this way, so its really hard to advise. I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. My mum died 8 weeks ago 😞

I spent time with my mum after she passed away, so I chose not to see her at the funeral directors. For me, I had spent time with her when she was still warm and still like herself and I didn’t want my memory of her to change from that. However, I did go and spend time with her with her coffin closed.

The funeral directors we used were outstanding. Mum was in a beautiful room with candles burning. I was brought a cup of tea and just sat with her for a couple of hours talking,

My aunt and cousin went to see her and said she looked beautiful. Just like herself. My sister and I made a decision that people could only see mum in the 3 days after she arrived at the funeral directors because we knew she would change, potentially significantly, after that. The funeral directors guided us on this. Mum was not embalmed so this impacted this decision too.

Whatever you decide, please don’t be hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong decision in this. No guilt either way whatever you chose.

Thinking of you. The early days and weeks are incredibly hard.

Just to add - I did see my dad when he passed away. I didn’t really know him very well at all, so it was a different experience emotionally. He was catholic so was taken to his home before the funeral and this is how I saw him. It wasn’t planned but I had gone to his home and somehow was pushed into the room. He did not look anything like himself at all. He would have been embalmed and looked very waxy, very made up. It was like a different man.

I saw both my parents when they'd died, it was really important for me but each person reacts differently and you need to think what's best for you.
For me, it stopped that "oh I'll see them soon...oh no..." feeling.

If you do go, the funeral directors are lovely and very kindly. They'll talk to you and then take you to a room where your dad will be laid out, usually dressed and already in a coffin (in the case of my mum) although my own dad was just laid as though in bed.

They will look like the person you knew and yet not the same.....as though the life has gone from their face. I talked to both my parents even though it felt as though they weren't "there" sort of, a bit hard to explain. The funeral directors will leave you to say your goodbyes or whatever and when you've finished you just come out.

If you wish you can also take photographs....some people hate the idea but others find it helpful. I would never have thought of it but it was suggested to me when my dad died, and yes, I did find it helpful.

Some people say they don't want their 'lasting image' of the person as being dead and won't go but I have never found that the image stays....my lasting images of both my parents are those I remember from when they were alive and seeing them deceased hasn't erased any of that.

Both my parents died suddenly on their own at home 36 and 14 years ago respectively ( dad had collapsed in kitchen when we were out and mum died peacefully in her sleep)
I didn't visit either of them at undertakers as I wanted to remember them from last time I'd seen them-I was only 20 when my dad died and I was scared to visit him and not see the dad I'd loved
I've since seen many dead people in my career as a nurse , but I still
don't regret my decision , although understand it can be a comfort to many , do what feels right for you - sorry for your loss

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Mum and I were with my dad when he died. It was a very peaceful death so I didn't feel the need to see him at the Funeral Parlour.
However my sister, who lives abroad, hadn't seen him for over a year before he died and really wanted to go so I went with her.

He looked fine and peaceful but not like my Dad. I think partly because he had been so ill before he died and he looked well again in the coffin. it was very strange. I know my sister was incredibly glad to have the opportunity to see him again.

I have seen two relatives in this way. In both cases they died while I was far away and I didn't see them for weeks before they died. Both times it helped me just accept that they had gone.

In both cases they were laid out beautifully and it was all very respectful. One was in a coffin and the other was on a kind of bed. The first looked less like the person I knew and I even found myself wondering if they had forgotten to put her teeth in or something. The second looked more like the person. I was given as much time as I needed. I only stayed a minute, long enough to say goodbye and I love you, but it was enough to get closure and accept they had really gone.

I am not haunted by either visit but I do sometimes just remember that last time I saw them and it helps me acknowledge that they are at peace now.

I took my grandma to see my grandad in the funeral home after his death because neither of my parents wanted to do it. I thought I would be OK with it as I am a Dr and I have seen a lot of dead people but I found it very upsetting and I wish I hadn't gone (well I'm glad I supported nana but I wish I'd stayed outside). He was very nicely dressed etc but it really didn't look like him at all and I wish I had just remembered him as he was in life.

I chose not to see my mum after her death. Dad and I were with her at the time anyway and we really felt that she had gone just as soon as she died. The hospice offered for us to stay with her but both of us felt we didn't want to and didn't visit her in the chapel of rest. We sent an outfit for her to be buried in but none of us actually saw it.

It is a personal decision but for me I would not go.

Also circumstances will affect it a lot

My mum was ill with cancer for a long time and we were able to come to terms with her dying and be with her at the time and talk to her about her wishes and I knew she had not wanted to visit her own parents after their deaths so I thought it would not be something she would want anyway. My siblings weren't there when she died but they had visited her in the days before so they didn't feel they needed to go after she had died either.

My grandad died suddenly of a stroke in hospital and sadly none of us were with him so I absolutely understand why nana needed to go and say goodbye.

I was with my mother when she died so I didn't intend to see her afterwards. However, after a few days it all started to feel unreal and I wanted to see her. It did help me to accept the finality of her death.

I saw my dad but at the nursing home. It wasn't planned but I went with my brother to support him, and ended up going in.

I'm so glad I did. My DD had dementia and Parkinson's. It was so lovely to see him finally at peace, not shaking. He looked rested and calm, and more like my old dad, before the illness.

It was really surprisingly a positive experience. I miss my lovely dad.

It's a huge decision though.

Sending

💕

So sorry for the loss of your dad 💐

I was lucky to be with my Df when he died, but seeing him in the funeral home really upset me. I did not want to go but gave in to family pressure. It was not good.

When my Dm went. I could not go into the room at the undertaker. I had seen her on a video call the week before (I live very far away and she was in hospital for some time, expected to be allowed home imminently) and it scared me how little and old and tired she looked. That was hard, and I was too afraid to see her look worse. I sometimes regret that decision but am coming to a place where I can see her happy face, not that hospital face. But not there yet.

Do what feels best for you. Nobody else.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went to see my Dad because his death had been a bit sudden. He had been in hospital and diagnosed with a sudden, highly aggressive cancer, but he'd been given a couple of weeks but died suddenly a couple of days later.

I didn't feel as though his actual death had been very peaceful for me (I don't think it was bad for him necessarily, just so shocking and unexpected for all of us).

So I saw him at the funeral home and he looked a lot like himself. One corner of his mouth was slightly turned down (where it wasn't when he was alive) but it didn't detract from the overall impression that this was my Dad. I spent a long time talking to him, telling him I loved him and kissed his cheek (which obviously felt very cool). For me, it was a positive experience and helped me to start to process his death.

I would definitely ask the advice of the funeral home as to how he looks.

To add to the above, it was nice to see my Dad back in his own familiar clothes, after seeing him in a hospital gown so much recently.

I saw my dad at the funeral home and don’t regret it at all. I’m glad I did it and it made me feel closer to him as I was t there at the end.

My grandad and uncle were in open caskets and I wish I never saw them like that. They didn’t look like themselves at all and I wish that wasn’t my last memory of them.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I saw my grandad at the funeral home but it wasn't like him at all. It made me sad. When my dad died, I decided not to see him and I've never regretted it. I remember him as the warm, happy super-hugger he was rather than the gaunt man he became. How I miss him. 😢

If you don't see him, you know what memory you will have.

If you do see him, you might not like what you see, but then be stuck with the memory.

Hard to call. If you do see him, his body sadly will seem empty. I wish I hadn't seen my dad like that.

I went to see my dad, didn't want to regret it if I didn't say my last goodbye, he didn't look like my dad but in life he was a larger than life character, I'm glad I went, I put a flower from my garden & a note telling him how much I loved him in his coffin.
I'd go if I were you OP but it will not be easy ❤️

I hated the idea. My mum passed away at home so I saw her body, kissed her forehead. Even though she had just gone, she didn't look the same. I can only imagine what they look like after that amount of time. But for some it brings peace, it depends on the type of person you are I guess

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I saw both my parents. One was a great comfort, as they'd looked terrible for months and really awful when they died, and looked peaceful and dignified and themselves again at the funeral home. The other was upsetting as they didn't look like themselves.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Dad died recently. I went to see him in the chapel of rest and I was so glad I did.

He looked very peaceful and calm. It gave me comfort to go and see him.