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Original poster

To see dad in chapel of rest?

64 replies

LavenderBee · 18/04/2021 09:24

To do or not? I know of stories where people regret this, but I wonder if it could help? He died 2 weeks ago as his life support was switched off... I was there and it seemed unreal. Still all wired up. I am hoping that he may look more like him, peaceful, but also will that sense that it’s just his shell. Maybe that will help, as I find I just keep shaking my head in disbelief that it happened. I’m struggling. My brother seems to be managing so much better (he was with us at hospital too).
Dad has not yet been embalmed.. so decision may be taken out of my hands.

OP posts:
Workyticket · 18/04/2021 09:26

After 2 weeks I'd be reluctant without embalming.

ThreeKneeRepeater · 18/04/2021 09:28

I went to see my dad in the chapel of rest. I was in two minds about it but I’m glad I did. It didn’t really look like him tbh, so it was as if he wasn’t there if that makes sense. Just his body which he had finished with.
I wanted to pop some photos and messages from the family in his coffin, and that really helped me. I tucked a pencil in his pocket, as he always had one.

Original poster
LavenderBee · 18/04/2021 09:31

Worky that does concern me and i I suppose may make the decision for me... I thought embalming would have happened much quicker...
ThreeKnee that’s the kind of experience I’d like, I’m really glad that it gave you some comfort.

OP posts:
20viona · 18/04/2021 09:32

My husband saw his dad and he wished he didn't. My mum always likes to see people for that final goodbye. Personal preference really. I wouldn't do it.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 18/04/2021 09:33

With my grandmother, we were asked to give permission to have her “gently embalmed” and her children decided her body had been through enough and we just wanted her to be at peace. One of my relatives changed their minds and after 10 days (her body was at the funeral home for 3 weeks) asked to see her and was told it would be too traumatic as she hadn’t been embalmed. I think at 2 weeks without embalming it would be unfair to you and possibly not allowed. I’m so sorry Flowers

caringcarer · 18/04/2021 09:33

I went to see my best friend as had previously seen them with tubes coming out of them everywhere and wired up to a machine. The visit to chapel of rest, helped me. I went 2 days after death though. I also wanted to pop a photo into coffin. If you can't face going you could still ask for photo to be placed in coffin. Somehow it is reassuring.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 18/04/2021 09:37

Forgot to say, we did all visit her at the funeral home but sat with her with the lid on, had a “chat” with her, placed items on top of the coffin that we wanted her to have (when we left they were placed in the coffin). It was all very peaceful and quiet there so although we didn’t get to see her, we did get a chance to grieve privately and get some closure and a sense of peace.

runwithme · 18/04/2021 09:38

So sorry for your loss. Hope you're holding up OK. I went to see dad, as my mum needed support. Me and my brother took turns, although he went on his own too. He found peace in it. When my brother died, my DH took my mum, as I couldn't do it. Its most definitely a personal choice.

FoxBaseBeta · 18/04/2021 09:39

Sorry for your loss Flowers I saw my dad but it was the day he died and it was a sudden death, so he looked very peaceful and as if he was asleep, I'm so glad I saw him.

Conversely, I didn't see my mum, she'd been very ill for a few weeks and looked incredibly ill before she died. I knew the experience would be very different and upset so chose not to see her and stick with my memories of her in happier, healthier days.

Ostryga · 18/04/2021 09:42

So sorry for your loss Flowers

I saw my grandad, he died very suddenly and I needed to have that final goodbye, because I was very much in denial. It really helped and something I hold with me. He didn’t look like himself, it felt like a waxwork, but he was peaceful and they’d really taken care of him.

Chocolatepeanuts · 18/04/2021 09:42

So sorry for your loss. I also think it would be too traumatic. In Ireland we have an open coffin for a wake, sometimes the funeral is on the 4th day rather than the 3rd day if realtives are struggling to make it home in time. By the 3rd night sometimes the coffin has to be closed if the body hasnt been embalmed. Thats at normal room temperature though, if your dad's body is stored at cooler temperatures perhaps its different Flowers

autumnboys · 18/04/2021 09:45

You can go and sit next to the coffin with the lid on if you would like to. I know several people who’ve done it and found peace with that. I saw my own Dad before the burial, having not seen him previously and he didn’t look great, but that didn’t matter too much. I could see it was him and that he was gone and give him a kiss and that was enough.

I don’t think there is a wrong decision to make. Flowers

MaryIsA · 18/04/2021 09:47

I did for my mum and wish I hadn’t. She’d been ill a long time and I really wanted the memory of her before she got ill.

It helped my sister though. My brother, who is super sensitive, was a wreck.

For me it was better to keep the memories. Everyone is different though.

Kobrakid · 18/04/2021 09:52

I saw my grandad at around 10 days after without embalming and he wasn’t traumatic to see at all. Ask at the funeral home and they will advise you, ours told us they wouldn’t let us see him if they thought he wasn’t in good enough condition. As it was, I was grateful to have the chance. He looked peaceful and calm and even though I knew he wasn’t there, it was just his body and the spark was gone, it gave me great comfort to see him looking so at peace.

eaglejulesk · 18/04/2021 09:54

Everyone is different and only you know what is best for you. I wasn't with my DM when she died, but didn't go to see her as I wanted to remember her the way she was when I saw her the previous weekend (she died suddenly in a rest home).

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

PinkCookie11 · 18/04/2021 09:59

So sorry for you loss.

I went to see my dad and glad I did.
I spoke to him, put a note and photos in and was glad to see him at peace. I would have regretted not.

cariadlet · 18/04/2021 10:03

My dad died at home in the early hours of the morning. I went round as soon as my mum phoned me with the news. He was still in bed and it really felt like it was him. I sat on the bed and it was just like being with Dad.

A couple of weeks later, I went into the Chapel of Rest with my mum. It was a totally different experience. It wasn't upsetting but it very much seemed like just his body rather than being him iyswim.

It's impossible to say what you should do because it's such a deeply personal choice. Some people regret going, some people regret not going, others are happy with the choice that they made.

RedElephants · 18/04/2021 10:04

My dad passed last May, Mum, my sister and I went to see him in the Chapel of Rest, at first I wasn't too sure and said I'd sit our side, but I did go in in the end.

My thoughts were, that it was all very peaceful, although pale, he looked as though he was asleep.

Mum had sent in his favourite pieces of clothing, shoes socks etc which they dressed him in, and a coat over his knees, as he always felt the cold.
We put his Father's Day cards in the coffin, plus his Birthday cards, photos of our families.

As we left Mum kissed him him good bye, that was poignant as she said he was so very cold and he wouldn't have liked that, so a few tears

However we are all glad we said our goodbyes.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 18/04/2021 10:06

I would hands down say yes if you feel that you want to, but I really wouldn’t after two weeks without embalming.

My mum was embalmed faster but there was still a delay and it took me a long time to get over that, if I even am. It was my first thought when anyone mentioned her or anything made me think of her for a long time, like it’s overwritten the memories of her when she was actually here.

Suzi888 · 18/04/2021 10:08

I’m sorry for your lossFlowers
Is there anyone you trust that could pay their respects, see him and let you know if it’s a good idea to go or not.

rwalker · 18/04/2021 10:10

My mum never went to see her mum and dad worried about regretting it.
She did goes and see FIL ( not too bother about regretting it) she said he look peaceful and years younger and didn't't frighten her at all.

She wished she'd seen her mum and dad but had no regrets as it's not worth taking the chance .

I'd go sit with the coffin with the lid on .

Isadora2007 · 18/04/2021 10:13

It’s such a personal decision so
Try to really do what you feel is right. The fact he hasn’t been embalmed may not be significant depending on the storage- so ask the funeral directors their opinion. I don’t think anyone would be allowed to view an unsuitable body tbh.

percheron67 · 18/04/2021 10:13

I was with my husband when he died and then saw him again after Last Offices. The change in him was so obvious. I never wish to view the dead again. The shell but not the spirit is there and it is very upsetting. Personal view, though

Juanbablo · 18/04/2021 10:21

I went to see my dad as we didn't spend much time with him at the hospital after he died and I wanted to see him one last time. I wish I hadn't though. It had an effect on me for a long time.

ScarletZebra · 18/04/2021 10:34

It is very much a personal choice. When my DF died my gma tried to get me to go to the Chapel of Rest but I refused. My last memory of him is standing by his front door in the sunshine, surrounded by bees and flowers waving us off, and that's what I wanted it to stay as.

I went to see my grandma when she died, but I was there at the hospital so I'd already seen her dead, and my DM wanted someone to go with her.

I have never regretted not going to see my dad, if that helps.