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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

To see dad in chapel of rest?

64 replies

LavenderBee · 18/04/2021 09:24

To do or not? I know of stories where people regret this, but I wonder if it could help? He died 2 weeks ago as his life support was switched off... I was there and it seemed unreal. Still all wired up. I am hoping that he may look more like him, peaceful, but also will that sense that it’s just his shell. Maybe that will help, as I find I just keep shaking my head in disbelief that it happened. I’m struggling. My brother seems to be managing so much better (he was with us at hospital too).
Dad has not yet been embalmed.. so decision may be taken out of my hands.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 18/04/2021 11:43

You have to ask the funeral home, and specify that you don't want to see him if it's been too long. Funeral Directors can have a different definition of 'not too bad', as a friend discovered to her distress.

TSSDNCOP · 18/04/2021 12:39

I have been to see two people in the chapel. I found it extremely comforting in a way I would never have imagined beforehand. I sat for about half an hour and chatted a bit, sat in silence a bit. The coffin was open but I only glanced, it's nice to see a person that died an unpeaceful death in repose.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 18/04/2021 12:45

My sister and I say with our grandmother. It was lovely. We giggled a lot. It was nice to see her. We had been warned against it and told she looked nothing like herself but she did and she looked peaceful.

Nurse1980 · 18/04/2021 19:37

Sorry for your loss. Both my parents died in January and neither of them were embalmed. They both looked perfect after two weeks. I did see mum five weeks after she died and I wouldn’t recommend that.

Imissthegym · 18/04/2021 19:42

I didn’t want to see my Dad, I was there at the end and it was peaceful and I was happy with that.

My Mum asked me to go with her for support (I hadn’t told her I didn’t want to go) and I’m really pleased I did. He looked like he was asleep and I found it really comforting to be able to talk to him and tell him I loved him.

CookPassBabtridge · 18/04/2021 20:40

I saw my dad after two weeks and he hasn't been embalmed and he looked fine, he was in a fridge between viewings though.

CookPassBabtridge · 18/04/2021 20:42

And I'm so glad I saw him. He looked awful just after he died so it was lovely to see him looking asleep and peaceful.

notagainmummy · 18/04/2021 20:48

I never wanted to see my deceased parents, and I don't regret it for a minute. I remember them laughing and smiling, not just as shells of themselves. Each to their own of course

Floralnomad · 18/04/2021 20:50

Sorry for your loss @LavenderBee . My dad died suddenly at home in his early 50s , I saw him at home and then decided to see him in the chapel of rest . It was over 30 yrs ago and probably one of the decisions in my life that I regret most . My mum died a couple of years ago , we were with her at home when she died and all chose not to see her again after she left the house .

prettypinkflamingo · 18/04/2021 21:29

I saw my gran. It wasn't her...she looked waxy and like a doll. Her spark was gone and I was very aware I was just looking at her shell. What made her 'her' was gone. I wouldn't repeat the experience with any other family members again.

Original poster

LavenderBee · 19/04/2021 09:15

Thank you everyone, it’s helpful to see other people’s experiences and also alternatives and ideas. Thank you for your gentle words of support too

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 19/04/2021 09:36

Have you checked whether you're even allowed to see him? My DP works at a funeral home and the ones in our area still aren't allowing visitors to the deceased.

Embalming isn't happening as quickly as it should at the moment either as increased deaths and lack of fridge space (sorry to be blunt) makes things difficult. DP's branch currently have coffins piled up in the garage, though it is easing off now.

Original poster

LavenderBee · 19/04/2021 09:41

Yes we do have the option of seeing him but we need to know if too much time has passed. I wondered if there was not enough space at undertakers, that would explain why he isn’t with them yet

OP posts:

rosesarered321 · 19/04/2021 09:59

I didn't see my mum as I'd seen her straight after she'd died and hugged and kissed her then. She started to change in the time I stayed with her then so I didn't want to see her again.
So I wouldn't see him again, my sincere sympathies to you.

espressoontap · 19/04/2021 11:03

I'm so sorry for your loss

As a nurse, I'd only want to see my relative once last offices had been done, I wouldn't see them after, I wouldn't want that image to be my lasting memory. Two weeks without embalming meh be too long. I would go and sit with the coffin, though.

Such a tough decision for you.

joystir59 · 22/04/2021 22:16

When my wife died last year the funeral director said bodies are kept at very low temperatures and remain in good condition for weeks without the need for embalming. This was important to me because her funeral was three weeks after her death. I chose not to see her in her coffin because she died at home in my arms and wasn't going to ever look better than she did at that moment.

joystir59 · 22/04/2021 22:18

I also instructed the funeral directors not to allow anyone to view her in her coffin because I was very sure my wife wouldn't want anyone to remember her like that.

Pebbledashery · 22/04/2021 22:20

I wasn't going to see my mum but i did and i took my very small DD with me who slept the whole time.. In our culture you're dressed in white when you pass, my mum looked so beautiful and peaceful. I put a photo of my daughter in her palm as she never got to meet her. I'm really glad i went.

AhmenGwendolyn · 22/04/2021 22:30

@LavenderBee

Yes we do have the option of seeing him but we need to know if too much time has passed. I wondered if there was not enough space at undertakers, that would explain why he isn’t with them yet

I'm very sorry for your loss.

2 weeks is a long time although it depends where they died and if they we're placed in a deep freeze before being taken to the chilling rooms at the funeral directors when available.

The rules around covid and embalming did seem to move against in the beginning and then allowed on an as and when basis.

Don't expect to see your loved one as sleeping or resting. I always advise to concentrate on the soul and memories when saying goodbye instead of the actual viewing. We always make the viewing room as comfortable for all as we can and allow lots of time to say goodbye or prepare to.

It's such a personal experience, I don't think anyone can tell you to view or not to view.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 22/04/2021 22:33

I think it's impossible to know until you see them, unfortunately.

I saw both my parents.

One looked so much more peaceful and themselves than they had when they died. It was a comfort to see them.

The other was really upsetting, I lasted a couple of minutes then fled the room crying, and I wish I hadn't gone. Didn't look peaceful or like themself.

LEMtheoriginal · 22/04/2021 22:34

I saw my dad after he passed away at the hospice and i saw him the following morning. Just awful. I did go and see him at the chapel of rest and it did help to erase the awful image. I vowed I'd never see another person after they died. However when my mum died i insisted on seeing her, this was about an hour after she died. I sat with her and held her hand, waited for the priest to come and give the last rites. Im glad i did. There was a pm abd she was a few weeks before she was at the funeral directors, i declined to see her and i kniw shed be ok with that.

Motnight · 22/04/2021 22:40

I saw my dad in the Chapel of Rest. It was very odd, because I had hoped that I would feel close to him there. But I didn't. His spirit or whatever it was that made him him had gone. It is an extremely personal decision to make, Op.

I am very sorry for your loss.

milveycrohn · 22/04/2021 22:41

Well, I arranged to see my DM at the Chapel of Rest.
I was actually with her when she died, and it was a few hours before the undertakers arrived, so I definitely knew she was dead, etc.
However, she had once asked us to 'make sure she was dead', etc, and as part of the funeral package, she was being dressed and made presentable, (not embalmed), so basically, I thought I would go and make sure this was done. Of course you have to arrange it, because they are presumably actually kept in a freezer, or whatever, (especially as it was a few weeks between death and funeral).
I always regretted not seeing my DF (as he died suddenly, and I did not know you can do so).
So arranged the visit the day before the funeral.
It was fine, and I am glad I did so.

FontyMcFontface · 22/04/2021 22:46

I have really struggled with not being allowed to see someone who has died, but others don’t seem to mind and don’t feel it’s important to them. I would rather see them changed than not see them, I’m accepting and realistic about what happens to bodies and that doesn’t bother me, not getting that goodbye does.

I think people feel very differently and it totally depends how you deal with things.

SweatyBetty20 · 22/04/2021 22:48

I was with both my parents when they died, and they changed straight away - they just weren’t there any more. When my brother died a month ago, I didn’t want to see him - he’d had CPR and then a post mortem and I was worried he wouldn’t look the same. I choose to remember him as that giggly, smiley, freckled-faced boy instead.

I’m so sorry for your loss - sending you a big hug to help with the next few weeks.

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