I'm so sorry to read your posts. Cancer is truly evil but particularly when it hits children. I lost my son to a brain tumour nearly 7 years ago. He had 2 and half years from diagnosis to his death. He was 18 and very aware of what was happening to him. It was truly horrendous changing our mindsets from giving him the best life to trying to find the best death for him - something no parent should have to ever face.
I lived afterwards for my surviving child, to let him know that his life mattered just as much. Eventually I started to live for myself again. It's hard, grief is hard, living without your child is hard. And will be forever. But there is still beauty in life, and over time you learn to allow yourself to see the beauty and enjoy aspects of it.
I will never be the same again. But it's a long journey and there are others on this site, and in real life, who have walked the same path. We find strength in each other. We find a way to go on to honour our missing child. It seems impossible at times, the guilt is sometimes overwhelming. But the rawness is a little less raw as time goes on.
You will find strength with loved ones. And often strength from complete strangers.
There is no easy way to face this. It's truly heartbreaking and incredibly unfair.
But you will learn to walk again with your son in your heart, he will never leave you.
I'm so sorry you have to face this. There are no right words for such a terrible thing to be happening.
We took our son to a hospice for his last few days where we could just be with him. Your son will know he is surrounded by love, as my son did.
Gentle hugs xx