My wife has died

[weedoogie]

My wife died at the end of November. I had very little notice; she had a stomach upset that lingered and when she went to the gp it turned out to be cancer. It was two weeks from seeing the gp to her death and I didn't know she was dying until the day before. She never knew.

I feel like my legs have been cut away from under me. We were both on second marriages and just got wed almost a year to the day before she died. We retired 18 months ago and we have had the best couple of years of our lives. We were both fit and well and had such plans for the future; we were going to sell the house and buy a camper van and go travelling round Europe (as soon as Covid allowed). And now I've lost her. My best friend and my lover has gone and I miss her so much. But also my future has gone and I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow, let alone next month, next year, the next decade.

There are lots of people calling and wanting to help, but really I feel utterly alone. I think about her every second of every day. The house is full of her: the clothes she'll never wear; the ingredients for the Christmas cake she'll never make; the letters still arriving for her that she'll never read. I lie awake all night in the bed we shared, her side empty beside me; sometimes I wish she would leave me alone so I could sleep.

Her sons were supposed to be coming over for Christmas, but they're both waiting on covid tests because they've had contact with people who have tested positive. And part of me wants them not to come so I can spend the day on my own.

I am so sorry for your loss.
She sounds like a wonderful person

It's lovely that you were able to be with your wife's sons, even though you must have been freezing!

So sorry to read about your loss. I've found grief to be just brutal. Be kind to yourself and don't expect to much in these early days. 1 foot in front of the other really is all I'm doing

Just coming back to this thread to update on how its been. And it's been very difficult. One of the strange things is that I dread being "over it". Although I still struggle every day, I don't want it to be easier because that would mean that she is further away from me. I'm terrified of her memory fading. I loved her so much and she made each day a joy.

It feels like I'm living life now in black and white; there is no colour any more, no pleasure in anything. All our plans for the future have gone and I have nothing to replace them with - and I don't want to make plans without her.

I'm terrified of being on my own for the rest of my life, and yet the idea of being in a relationship with anyone else is unthinkable, so it feels like that is what my future holds. In the meantime, I can't get motivated to do anything. I'm just about keeping the house clean and getting food in, but that's it. I tied to do the probate work for her estate, but would just get the paperwork out and stare at it, so I've passed it all over to a solicitor. I'm completely unemployable!

Friends have been supportive, but even I am bored at our conversations as they ask me how I am and either I say "fine" or I tell them. But because there's nothing they can do to make me feel anywhere near normal, they seem pointless.

I am so sorry to hear how sad you are feeling.
Just keeping the house clean, and you fed, is an achievement in itself.
It is so very hard when we lose somebody we love. Not only are they physically gone, but we must also mourn the loss of future plans and dreams. It is overwhelming and such early days for you.
I know it feels like you will never be able to move forward from this sadness, but there could be a time when you pick up those plans you both had and put them into action. Maybe revised, maybe different...and of course not how you would have liked them to be, but some where near them.

It sounds as if it is all too raw at the moment, so concentrating on just getting through each day is good enough for now.
You may perhaps in the future still buy your camper van and travel. She may not be physically by your side, but your lovely wife will be with you wherever you go and whatever you do, cheering you on to do it for both of you.