My wife died at the end of November. I had very little notice; she had a stomach upset that lingered and when she went to the gp it turned out to be cancer. It was two weeks from seeing the gp to her death and I didn't know she was dying until the day before. She never knew.
I feel like my legs have been cut away from under me. We were both on second marriages and just got wed almost a year to the day before she died. We retired 18 months ago and we have had the best couple of years of our lives. We were both fit and well and had such plans for the future; we were going to sell the house and buy a camper van and go travelling round Europe (as soon as Covid allowed). And now I've lost her. My best friend and my lover has gone and I miss her so much. But also my future has gone and I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow, let alone next month, next year, the next decade.
There are lots of people calling and wanting to help, but really I feel utterly alone. I think about her every second of every day. The house is full of her: the clothes she'll never wear; the ingredients for the Christmas cake she'll never make; the letters still arriving for her that she'll never read. I lie awake all night in the bed we shared, her side empty beside me; sometimes I wish she would leave me alone so I could sleep.
Her sons were supposed to be coming over for Christmas, but they're both waiting on covid tests because they've had contact with people who have tested positive. And part of me wants them not to come so I can spend the day on my own.