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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My wife has died

55 replies

weedoogie · 24/12/2020 11:02

My wife died at the end of November. I had very little notice; she had a stomach upset that lingered and when she went to the gp it turned out to be cancer. It was two weeks from seeing the gp to her death and I didn't know she was dying until the day before. She never knew.

I feel like my legs have been cut away from under me. We were both on second marriages and just got wed almost a year to the day before she died. We retired 18 months ago and we have had the best couple of years of our lives. We were both fit and well and had such plans for the future; we were going to sell the house and buy a camper van and go travelling round Europe (as soon as Covid allowed). And now I've lost her. My best friend and my lover has gone and I miss her so much. But also my future has gone and I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow, let alone next month, next year, the next decade.

There are lots of people calling and wanting to help, but really I feel utterly alone. I think about her every second of every day. The house is full of her: the clothes she'll never wear; the ingredients for the Christmas cake she'll never make; the letters still arriving for her that she'll never read. I lie awake all night in the bed we shared, her side empty beside me; sometimes I wish she would leave me alone so I could sleep.

Her sons were supposed to be coming over for Christmas, but they're both waiting on covid tests because they've had contact with people who have tested positive. And part of me wants them not to come so I can spend the day on my own.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 24/12/2020 14:52

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will be lighting a candle for my son tonight and thinking of all the Mumsnetters who have lost aa loved one. I will include you and your beloved wife in my thoughts.
Flowers

FestiveFruitloop · 24/12/2020 14:55

So very sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

justgeton · 24/12/2020 15:02

To say I'm sorry feels so inadequate, but sadly there isn't anything else to say, and nothing to help with your pain.

Just heartbreaking. I really hope you find the strength to get through these dark days x

pinkpetal2 · 24/12/2020 15:07

This is the saddest post I've ever read on here I'm so sorry OP. If you want to be on your own that's okay I really wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
And when ever you feel ready in time
You can still go round in your campervan too and see places and experience them I would go and I'd get something from each place I went to and bring two back, one for you to keep and one for your wife if she has a grave to leave it, maybe tuck it in the soil. Look after yourself Thanks

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 24/12/2020 15:11

weedoogie I am very sorry for your great loss. Bereavement is such a lonely trudge, just as you think there's no more tears you can shed, some fresh pain occurs.
The Cruse Helpline is on0808 808 1677if you want to talk to someone about your bereavement.
Flowers
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

Mumtofourandnomore · 24/12/2020 17:36

I am so very sorry for your loss, I can’t make anything any easier for you - I’m learning that grief is a process rather than an event.

My mum died at the start of the month after a cancer diagnosis eight weeks earlier. It also only became terminal a few days before she died, we weren’t expecting it at all and she was thankfully never aware.

So unfortunately I don’t have a magic wand, but be kind to yourself and do whatever you can to bring yourself comfort - whether that’s spending time on your own, or accepting help or companionship. Sometimes I find that photos bring me comfort, other days I hate them for reminding me of what I have lost.

I’m sure time will help, but that doesn’t help right now in the middle of grief, it’s very early days.

Lots of love 💕

weedoogie · 24/12/2020 17:38

She was the only person I met in my life who was completely the same person, no matter who she was talking to, nor what role she was playing. I knew her originally as a colleague, also as a friend before we fell in love and I saw her acting as a mother and daughter as well. She was just always herself. Funny, clever, and fierce when she was fighting for family or friends. I was so proud of her and so proud of myself because she had chosen me.

OP posts:
weedoogie · 24/12/2020 17:40

I came across this poem after she died that makes me weep:

Though my mother was already two years dead
Dad kept her slippers warming by the gas,
put hot water bottles her side of the bed
and still went to renew her transport pass

You couldn't just drop in. You had to phone.
He'd put you off an hour to give him time
to clear away her things and look alone
as though his still raw love were such a crime.

He couldn't risk my blight of disbelief
though sure that very soon he'd hear her key
scrape in the rusted lock and end his grief.
He knew she'd just popped out to get the tea.

I believe life ends with death, and that is all.
You haven't both gone shopping; just the same,
in my new black leather phone book there's your name
and the disconnected number I still call.

Tony Harrison

OP posts:
bobblesandbows · 24/12/2020 18:04

Sending you strength. Take it easy. You are still in shock. I am so sorry for your loss.

firecracker69 · 24/12/2020 20:35

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds just wonderful. ❤️

FluffyFluffyClouds · 25/12/2020 00:04

I am so very sorry.

I wish I could make you tea and biscuits, and just sit with you.

nowishtofly · 25/12/2020 00:28

The loss you feel now is the measure of your love for her. So sorry OP. Thanks

Giraffey1 · 25/12/2020 00:31

I am so very sorry for your less. What a terrible shock it must have been. Please don’t feel alone, do accept offers of help and reach out to those who you love and care for you x

Sarcobaleno · 25/12/2020 00:38

I'm really sorry for your loss, it's obvious how much you loved her. I hope Christmas is bearable for you.

MadisonAvenue · 25/12/2020 01:57

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

TheBlueStocking · 25/12/2020 02:02

Tell us more about her

TheBlueStocking · 25/12/2020 02:02

Flowers Flowers Flowers

Gingaaarghpussy · 25/12/2020 02:25

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad had stomach problems, took him to hospital, 3 days later hed gone. Post mortem found he had stomach cancer that spread.
Its been 15 years. It does get easier. But unfortunately the hole is never filled.
I will be thinking of you.
🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

MissMoan · 25/12/2020 02:46

I am very sorry to hear this. Is your GP able to refer you for grief counselling?
My heart really goes out to you. I wish you all the very best for the future.

Iwant2move · 25/12/2020 07:16

@weedoogie
Wow. That poem sums it up exactly.
Huge hugs x

weedoogie · 26/12/2020 14:16

Wow. Firstly, I have found just writing things down here to be incredibly sad but also cathartic. Had a good old weep. And then, I can't believe so many people have replied and how much that has helped me. So many warm thoughts - and so many other sad stories shared. Thank you all for your comments, they have all really made a difference to me.

Yesterday her two sons came over and we ate Christmas lunch in the garden, socially distanced and cold. My neighbours on both sides came out for a chat as well, and it was all quite emotional in a sad but positive way. I hope you all had a good day and I wish you all a much happier 2021 than this year has been.

OP posts:
Siw2020 · 26/12/2020 14:29

I am so very sorry for your loss. She sounds wonderful. It is very obvious you cared for her deeply.

IsFuzzyBeagMise · 26/12/2020 14:33

Thinking of you. I'm so sorry about the loss of your wife.

Lifeispassingby · 26/12/2020 16:23

Your post is heartbreaking in so many ways. Please stay strong and take care of yourself xx

LakieLady · 26/12/2020 17:00

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

Grief takes so many forms, and imo the only thing that makes it bearable is time. And it's unpredictable. You can think that at this moment you feel ok-ish, and then be plunged into tears by the oddest little reminder; and you can be in the depths of despair then roaring with laughter about something a moment later. And I really empathise with what you say about the plans you had: it's made me feel totally adrift to have to face a future where those plans may no longer be feasible.

I lost my partner, very suddenly, at the start of November, and don't know how I would have coped without the support of friends and family. Take all the help and support you are offered, surround yourself with people who are kind and understanding, and remember that, in some ways, grief is the price we pay for love.

I know it seems hard to believe now, but it will get easier to bear as time passes.

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