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Bereavement

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My wife has died

55 replies

weedoogie · 24/12/2020 11:02

My wife died at the end of November. I had very little notice; she had a stomach upset that lingered and when she went to the gp it turned out to be cancer. It was two weeks from seeing the gp to her death and I didn't know she was dying until the day before. She never knew.

I feel like my legs have been cut away from under me. We were both on second marriages and just got wed almost a year to the day before she died. We retired 18 months ago and we have had the best couple of years of our lives. We were both fit and well and had such plans for the future; we were going to sell the house and buy a camper van and go travelling round Europe (as soon as Covid allowed). And now I've lost her. My best friend and my lover has gone and I miss her so much. But also my future has gone and I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow, let alone next month, next year, the next decade.

There are lots of people calling and wanting to help, but really I feel utterly alone. I think about her every second of every day. The house is full of her: the clothes she'll never wear; the ingredients for the Christmas cake she'll never make; the letters still arriving for her that she'll never read. I lie awake all night in the bed we shared, her side empty beside me; sometimes I wish she would leave me alone so I could sleep.

Her sons were supposed to be coming over for Christmas, but they're both waiting on covid tests because they've had contact with people who have tested positive. And part of me wants them not to come so I can spend the day on my own.

OP posts:
IHateCoronavirus · 24/12/2020 11:24

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Very slowly life starts to grow around your grief and you will begin to get through the day with memories but without that nauseating ache.
It is just taking baby steps, one minute at a time if that is all you can manage.
FlowersBrew

Jennygentle · 24/12/2020 11:29

I’m so sorry. You had no time to prepare mentally which must make it even harder. Grief eases eventually but all you can do at the moment is take a day/hour at a time. FlowersFlowers

Lougle · 24/12/2020 11:34

She sounds wonderful. I'm sorry you're having to face life without her. I hope you get the support you need, whether that's company or space to grieve. Flowers

VinterKvinna · 24/12/2020 11:35

Oh so sorry to read this, please take care of yourself.

Would you like to tell us more about her? She sounds amazing

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 24/12/2020 11:38

I'm so sorry for your very tragic and sudden loss. Everything seems unbearable. Christmas makes it worse. Sorry Flowers

DontWalkPastTheCastle · 24/12/2020 11:47

I'm so sorry. You clearly loved her very very much. Thanks

SausageCrush · 24/12/2020 11:59

I'm so sorry to read about your wife. She sounds fabulous.
This will be my first Christmas without my 20 year old son. Completely out of the blue he took his own life three months ago.
I have no advise, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Behind all the festivities and jollity are an army of people just trying to keep it together, to breathe, to take another step.
I will light a candle for you tonight and send you strength and hugs for the difficult road ahead xx

blue25 · 24/12/2020 12:00

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship. Please take care of yourself & do whatever it takes to get through each day.

Poppingnostopping · 24/12/2020 12:18

I'm so sorry. It's very hard and you must be in shock. I can understand you wanting to be alone. Very hard when all their stuff is around you. I don't have any amazing suggestions, there are volunteers on helplines such as Cruise and of course the Samaritans, I've called both before in my life, and it can help when you feel truly desperate.

Holothane · 24/12/2020 12:21

You poor thing 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐🤦‍♀️

whataballbag · 24/12/2020 12:22

I'm so so sorry. Would you like to tell us more about her?

Tingalingtortoise · 24/12/2020 12:28

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Flowers

VinterKvinna · 24/12/2020 12:29

@SausageCrush

I'm so sorry to read about your wife. She sounds fabulous. This will be my first Christmas without my 20 year old son. Completely out of the blue he took his own life three months ago. I have no advise, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Behind all the festivities and jollity are an army of people just trying to keep it together, to breathe, to take another step. I will light a candle for you tonight and send you strength and hugs for the difficult road ahead xx
So sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through
DontWalkPastTheCastle · 24/12/2020 12:29

I'm so sorry for you @SausageCrush

I have lost a friend in the same way this year, and his parents are gracious and strong but so utterly lost without him.

Look after yourself.

mummymayhem18 · 24/12/2020 12:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. How awful and sudden. I'm sure if you explain to her sons that you would rather be alone that they would understand. Just do what is right for you.

M0rT · 24/12/2020 12:31

I am so so sorry for your loss Flowers
I don't have any wise words, but just wanted to say I completely understand the impulse to be alone in your grief.
I don't know if it's right or wrong but I too tend to want to nurse my wounds alone when life hurts.

bearlyactive · 24/12/2020 12:58

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

friendlycat · 24/12/2020 13:05

I am so very very sorry. Grief is such a challenging and awful thing, definitely made even worse (if possible) by emotional times such as Christmas.

Be as kind to yourself as possible. It may help having some contact, even briefly, with her sons if you can face it.

With my very best wishes to you.

Newnamefor2021 · 24/12/2020 14:06

I'm so sorry.

dottiedodah · 24/12/2020 14:24

Really very sorry for your loss . Someone once said to me that grief is like being hit by a 10 ton truck .You are completely floored .Just getting through each day is so difficult .If her Sons can come over maybe make it for say a light Supper ,and see how you feel .Everyone is different and for everyone that wants to be on their own there are more that wouldnt like it .Take Care and sending Hugs to you at this difficult time xx

Iwant2move · 24/12/2020 14:24

@weedoogie
I am so very sorry. It is three years since my husband was killed in a car crash.

Can someone come and stay with you?
I had days when all I could do was concentrate on my next breath. I just wanted to die. The pain was so unbearable. Then it would lift and I would have a couple of hours of feeling "normal".
The dark periods were utterly unbearable, but gradually those periods grew shorter and less frequent. It helped to talk. We will keep you company on here if you need to reach out.
There are facebook groups for widows and widowers. I joined them and received a tremendous amount of support.
What you are going through is so incredibly cruel, so very painful, so very unfair. I am so very very sorry.
If you want to talk about your wife to us, we will be happy to listen.
Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to grieve. Grieving is a lonely place with no right or wrong way.
Again, I am so very sorry.

dottiedodah · 24/12/2020 14:26

SausageCrush So sorry to hear this dreadful news . Please accept my sincere condolences .Thinking of you .Many hugs and kisses

Fortyfifty · 24/12/2020 14:29

I'm deeply sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like you and your wife had a special relationship. Flowers

Zlistceleb · 24/12/2020 14:32

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I can't imagine how much you must be hurting/in shock. If you need to message on here because it helps then there will be many people around over the next few days who aren't doing the traditional Xmas thing and so perhaps have more time.

I think you have to allow yourself to take each hour at a time. Please share more about your wife if it helps. X

babbaloushka · 24/12/2020 14:48

My dad isn't celebrating Christmas this year after we lost my mum on Boxing Day last year. Cannot imagine the pain you must feel, but don't feel pushed to see anyone, take the time you need alone. As much as it breaks my heart to think of my dad alone tomorrow, it's what he needs and wanted. Christmas after losing a loved one is rotten, best wishes.