I still miss my lovely Dad....

[minesalargeone]

I lost my Dad suddenly almost 2yrs ago now - he died at home on his own from a heart attack.....I still can't believe that he's gone. I still have the most horrendous dreams about him and even now, almost 2yrs later, I still cry. Does it ever get any better?

Bless you.
Time does apparently heal.

Havnt lost like that yet, so cant really comment. But my dad is very very ill.

I hope you feel better soon.

(((hugs)))

Hi haych....sorry to hear you're Dad is very ill. It's tough isn't it?

My Dad wasn't ill as such but I saw him the day before he died and he looked a bit grey but said he was ok. Little did we know.

I just wish I didn't have these horrible dreams about him - they don't help me at all. I wake up in such a state. I dream that the paramedics were able to bring him to life but that he lived from day to day not knowing if he was going to see the end of the day..IYKWIM? I've so many happy memories about him - he was my Dad for almost 40yrs - but I still can't seem to accept he's gone - I hate visiting his grave - tbh I rarely go but its so incredibly hard seeing his name on the headstone. I think about him pretty much every day - not that I want to but I just seem to!

When he died everyone said time is a healer etc and that it can take months to get over losing someone so suddenly - the shock was immense - but it's almost 2yrs now.

Minesalargeone, my lovely father died very suddenly too. In 1987! I was very young at the time. It was so painful and awful I felt like I was in shock for years after. Even now I still feel his loss, find it hard to believe I won't hear his voice again (I still remember how it sounded). But the horrible pain I felt in the first few years is much much less.

Mines - I feel for you. Those dreams must really hurt.

My dad died of a heart attack 12 years ago now. He collapsed and died at our local train station, in front of a platform full of people.

When he died, I was told it would take 7 years to 'get over it'. I remember thinking that was a life sentence at the time, to feel so bad for that long. I also didn't want to 'get over' my dad iykwim?

For me though, time really has helped. The pain did stop feeling so raw after a few years, I stopped thinking 'maybe he didn't really die', or that I had just seen him in the street.

MIlestones hurt - the birth of my children, changing jobs, houses, stories on the news I know he would have loved to talk about with me about. I miss not having a father figure too - someone looking out for me kind of thing.

But, 12 years on, I don't miss him day to day anymore. My life is so different now - I realised I have 'adjusted'. While it feels disloyal to not 'need' him anymore, I never thought I would feel that.

Not sure if this helps tbh. I just wanted to say, I loved my dad. Losing him was the hardest thing I have had to deal with, and it does still hurt and make me feel cheated for him and us as he died at only 60. However, I now live my life without feeling the pain there all the time. However this realisation took at least 5 years after he died.

Take care, and be kind to yourself.

It's 14 years since my dad died at home alone from a heart attack, and while I don't feel as sad as I did years ago, I still have regrets and still feel sad if I dwell on it. It's been 2.5 years since my mother died and I still cry if I think about certain aspects of that. I've never processed my grief properly, and don't have anyone to talk to about my parents really. I've never tried counselling but maybe that would help you. It does get better over time, but not as quickly as other people would like it to IYSWIM, and your real feelings stay around for a lot longer than the 'socially acceptable' few months of mourning after which you "should be getting over it", in my experience.

Don't know if this will help at all but you're not alone in feeling like this.

I lost my dad also 3 years ago. We did not get on, however he died in hospital from MRSA and it was slow and painful for us and most imortantly for him as he went in with a condition that he should not died of. We grew closer through the pain we went through together and supporting him through the aweful experience he went through. To cry about him shows how wonderful he was a nd that is apparent as you still miss him, although this is not a pleasent feeling, you are still feeling in pain for his loss because you are still thinking of him. You will not get over the loss, however you may move on to see him in the wonderful light and memories which you will talk about him to others who can relate to you about him also in these wonderful times. Greiving takes time and it sounds like you miss him to bits. He sounds like a wonderful person, so share those wonderful memories because it sounds as if you have lots.

My dad died when I was 19 and he was my best friend and I loved everything about him.
I'm 32 now and when i have a really bad day I can still feel the same amount of pain that I did on the day that he died.
But time is an amazing thing,for me it didn't take the rawness away,but it made those bad days space themselves out.
In the beginning of course it was every day,then every week,then every month etc.
Nowadays i can look back and think of happy moments and enjoy my memories and the really bad days happen very rarely now,normally just on the anniversary of his death,but i allow myself that day to be sad and have a good mope,I think that it helps me to deal with it.
I'm really sorry that you lost your dad too and the dreams,hopefully will turn into peaceful ones once things have settled down for you.x.

You poor thing.

Time is a healer but it is unquantifiable how long it takes each person.

I lost me beloved Grandad 7 years (god is it really that long?) ago and it took about 4 years to 'get over' it. Still cry now sometimes and this is your dad we are talking about.

Have you thought about bereavement counselling?

Hi everyone...wow what some amazing replies.

I think I'm feeling pretty low because the two year point is just around the corner and it's all flooding back....the moment I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone and told me to get over there asap because 'your Dad has had a bit of an accident' (ie he was dead), to running in the back door and being met by my Mum in floods of tears (he'd not picked her up from work so she walked home and found him lying on the floor by the phone), to having to identify him (my mum was too upset), to seeing him lying on the floor with his shirt all ripped open where the paramedics had tried to bring him back (he was a shirt and tie man), his eyes wide open and bloodshot, his dentures lying next to him, his body being soooooo cold, to seeing him with his head covered with a blanket and his feet sticking out the end in his daily polished lace up shoes and to seeing him be taken out in a body bag to an undertakers car outside.....to then seeing him lying in the chapel of rest and not looking anything like my Dad....its all horrible memories and all coming back.

I know how you feel. I lost my mum four years ago now and still cry. I think about her everyday.

IMO, it does get better but you never forget. It took me quite a while to accept how she went and how old she was. I tried to push the thoughts of how she died away and I try to concentrate on my happy memories of her. I smile everytime I say something to my daughter that she said to me as a child

They only way I can accept that she has gone is to think of it quite bluntly. You are supposed to see your parents die. I know that's harsh, but my mum's mum(my nan) saw her daughter die. I cannot imagine that My nan's mum(my great grandma) has now seen two of her granchildren die and only one of her five children. It must be so hard for them

I have dreams that mum dying was a mistake. She walks back into our lives as they are now. Dad has remarried, you can imagine the chaos, lol. But I always feel very saad when I wake up and realise it wasn't a mistake

Mines - sounds like you maybe need to talk through it with someone? What you had to do is awful. Not sure I could make sense of that on my own.

((((HUGS))))

Oh and to add to all this, which doesn't help matters one bit is that my Dad, who'd driven a car all his life and had never even scratched a car let alone have an accident (he was 76 when he died) had a young stupid idiot, aged 19yrs old, 3 times over the limit collide with him whilst driving - the lad drove off and left my Dad in his written off car - this was just 2 months before Dad died...he never got over the shock of the accident - he went rapidly down hill after that and I am sure, absolutely certain, the accident played a big part in my Dad's demise. He even forgave the lad and his stupid behaviour. The lad was banned for just 12 months and I lost my Dad for ever.

i don't know what you believe in mines,but try not to dwell(I know easy said than done)on the last moments. I beleive that the sprirt leaves the body instantly, so try not to think of it as being 'dad' lying there.
That was the reason that i didn't go to see my dad in the chapel of rest, I know that you had no choice and it must be extremely heartbreaking to see that. Give yourself time and those images will start to fade into the background and the happy times will be more vivid for you. It's not been that long yet.x.

losing a parent is like being a member of a horrible club
i think it fundamentally changes you as a person
but, i promise, the pain subsides
my dad died 20 years ago, when i was a teenager. it makes me sad to think about all of the things that he missed, my kids in particular - he would have adored them, but most of the time i can think about him and feel happy to have had such a great relationship with him

oh that's so sad minesalageone.

weewitchie - I don't really have anyone to talk to about it other than my lovely, caring, extremely supportive dh who has taken the brunt of the last couple of years. As far as counselling is concerned - I'd feel like I've failed if I decided to to do that and I can hear my Dad saying 'oh, don't waste their time, you'll be ok'

oh just read your last post I know it's hard but you really have to try and blot out that day. The day mum died she was in hospital. I had just woken and the phone rang. I knew it was Dad. He'd been called and told to come to the hospital NOW. I asked him to wait and i went to his first(where he and bro and sis were) I feel guilty everyday because this meant we missed her she died a few minutes before we got there with a nurse by her side

I wasn't sure whether to go in and see her or not but everyone else did. So I went too. I literally stood back with shock. I couldn't belive how she looked. Her mouth open, the colour.

I regret everyday that I saw that. Everyone else went to see her when she was at the funeral directors. I didn't nan told me I should. I said no because if mum knew how i felt by seeing her the day she died she wouldn't let me go. I have blotted out the memory of her on the day she died and the weeks leading up to her death as they upset me so much(I am trying to hold back the tears now, but want you to know you aren't alone) I know only ever think of her before she got very ill. It does help. But it is hard at the beginning.

I have decided that on the anniversary of her death(in July) I will have a party. I will buy dd & ds a present. and I will celebrate my mum. I never take flowers to the crematorium. I buy them and keep them in my house. Then everytime I look at them I smile because they are for my mum.

I miss her so much

sorry, my massive post x-posted with lots of you!

my mum died 8 years ago. it's nice to be able to talk on here about it.

2 years really isn't that long.

threads like this one make me think about my mum, which is nice.

MInes - if you feel counselling isn't for you then that is your choice. Have you thought about sitting down and penning your dad a letter? Say EVERYTHING you want to say to him and then put it into a special memory box. Everytime you feel like this you can keep writing to him.

He'll be reading, be sure of that.

xx

as helpful as my dh has been, and he's been great. comments to the effect of 'well you can speak to her whenever you like' make me so

Maybe it will help to talk on her? To people who know how you feel? My DH hasn't lost anyone really, so bless him but he just doesn't know. and I hope he doesn't for a VERY long time.

Going to the Chapel of Rest was my decision - I didn't have to go but I felt I should go because I didn't want my lasting memory of my Dad being him lying on the floor. I had to wait 2 weeks to see him in the Chapel because he had to have a PM. When I went to see him I was told he looked lovely and had a lovely smile. I walked in and I saw this body in a coffin that looked absolutely nothing like him - he had been made up heavily with make-up and was stuffed out with paper and the back of his head was so heavily damaged due to the PM his face was heavily distorted. It was horrific, I'm sorry to say, and did nothing to help me with the grieving process.

I don't dwell on this huge loss in my life but I am at the moment because the date upon which he died is due very soon and I can't help but remember, can I?

mines, that's exactly why i didn't go to the chapel. I will NEVER see anyone again ever. I have told dh and dad. NEVER.

You can't help remembering. You should never forget him.

That's just it...I don't have many people I can talk to about this because there aren't many people I know who have lost a parent yet and those that have lost them knowing they were going to die, IYKWIM. It's hard enough losing a parent but to lose one so suddenly, without any warning, no time to think about the loss etc etc is so extremely hard. For the first couple of weeks I felt like I was living in a bubble and was crying out for someone to come along and pop it for me. I'd see a Grandad up at the school picking up his Grandchildren and it'd make me burst into tears, I'd see people smiling or laughing and think to myself they shouldn't be so happy. It took me ages to even believe I'd never be able to pick the phone up to tell him about either one of my kids had done at school, or to ask a question about something or even smell his pipe tobacco, hear his voice, have a laugh with him, go for a walk with him, simply see him.

I'm fighting the tears now....