I still miss my lovely Dad....

[minesalargeone]

I lost my Dad suddenly almost 2yrs ago now - he died at home on his own from a heart attack.....I still can't believe that he's gone. I still have the most horrendous dreams about him and even now, almost 2yrs later, I still cry. Does it ever get any better?

My Dad died on last thursday and we're just packing to go for the funeral on monday. I'm avoiding it by coming on here!
I can't believe how hard it is or that I'm going to keep feeling like this.
He brought me up when my parents divorced so we were very close - more like most people's mum really. His voice is still on the home answermachine and he sounds so strong and alive.

spatz - I've still got a recording of my Dad's voice on the answerphone. I've kept it even after two years. I listen to it very occasionally - I don't know why - just a reminder I guess.

Thanks Wilbur for your message - yes it is hard to believe its almost 2yrs now. Time goes so quickly and I'm glad it does for this reason alone - time is a a healer - there is no doubt about that and I often think I'm doing ok and getting on with life and then I just seem to fall back down that hill again....that downward spiral back down to where I was two years ago...and then I spend the next few weeks climbing back up again.

I know I have alot to be grateful for - he didn't suffer (as far as we know), he knew my kids and watched them grow up for the short time he knew them, they knew him and loved him and have fond memories of him and I had him as my Dad for a long long time.

But there is and always will be that huge loss in my life - this massive void where someone so important to me once occupied and he's been wiped out - through no fault of his own either - if that idiot of a driver hadn't have put that alcohol in his system and got in his car I would still have my Dad today...and yet that idiot driver is still driving around in his crappy stupid little car, with a massive noisy exhaust with his stereo blaring and driving like some madman. It does make me sooooo cross and yet Dad was happy to forgive him and not even press charges. Madness.

and Spatz - I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Reading my posts probably isn't helping you is it? I'm sorry. xxxxx

Actually, coming on here is quite cathartic - I just do hope time heals - hearing about you 2 years on is tough! It's sometimes easier to 'talk' here than in RL, isn't it?

sorry to hear that spatz, its so hard, make sure you keep that recording safe i have a short wedding video of my dad which is very comforting to watch sometimes, even though i ball my eyes out its just nice to hear his voice again

It ust be hard knowing the person who was partly to blame for your dad dying, i dont know who kileed mine only that they are somewhere and it has made me quite an axious ans scared person. I agree about talking on here it is good to release all of the emotions building up

when I came on here initially Dad had died 9 months previously - I was told then by other MN's that 9 months was nothing and that it can take years to get over losing someone so dear to you. They were right. It does take that long, I'm sorry to say.

However....the MN's on here have been absolutely wonderful to me - you get so much support from other people and I've proven that by two of those who helped me out over a year ago have come back to me again now.....buktus and wilbur (thank youxx) so all I can say is whilst life is tough for you at the moment spatz just make sure you log on here - you will find this site absolutely invaluable. xxxxx

Thanks - mumsnet to the rescue! There is something very comforting about people in so many different places making contact here.

nice post mines xxx, remember to do something lovely next month, or something that was his favourite past time, mines was motor racing which i go to watch at bad times, knowing he is there somewhere watching with me

Spatz,really sorry to hear about your dad.x.

Buktus, I think you are probably right.She arranged everything,although it is a family plot as his ashes were buried with his Gran and Grandad.
Thats probably the only thing that gets me wound up,the fact that my step mum controlled everything about his funeral and buriel. She wasn't in his life for long and I'm lucky that she dosen't visit his grave now so I can more or less do as I please,it just argravates me every time I go up and all that is written is just his name,not even his full name and that he was a husband.No mention of being a dad. I think a little garden of remembrance is a lovely idea,to be honest I get more happiness out of visiting places we went together where I can imagine him being alive rather than a grave. He'll see what you are doing where ever it is.x.

minesalargeone - I have so much sympathy. And you're right, grief/loss of a parent isn't something you can really describe/explain to anyone else. It's that feeling that your protector in the world has gone - when my father died suddenly(4 years ago, and my mother died when I was 16) I felt this enormous sense of abandonment, that despite DH and the kids and my friends, my brother and I were alone against the world now. And with sudden deaths you have to be grateful that the person didn't suffer for long, but for the people left behind the shock is overwhelming. This may sound awful but when my mother died after a long battle with cancer my first feeling was relief - relief that it was all over both for her and for us. With my father the pain was much more acute.
It does get better - it doesn't go away but you do learn to cope with it, and it just becomes part of who you are - and the grief doesn't stop you being happy. And I see my father everyday in DS3, who is just like him .

Minesalargeone - I lost my Dad just over three years ago from a heart attack like too. It was completely unexpected - he was only 58, really fit and into rowing and he actually died whilst competing in a race at a rowing regatta. For months I tried to pretend it hadn't happened and carry on as normal. I think I was stuck in the "denial" stage. I went for counselling hoping that it would help but I didn't find it all that helpful to be honest. That's just me though -other people find it helps immensely. I just wish I'd known about MN at the time as I'm sure that would have helped more. Just reading through this thread has been a comfort.
As somebody else said, losing a parent suddenly makes you a member of this awful club that you never had any desire to join. Your whole world changes forever and you have to try to make sense of it all.
I've found it helpful to remember that grief is different for everybody and that there are no rights or wrongs. You just have to do what feels right for you at the time. 2 years really isn't very long at all. I thought I was starting to get to the stage where I could focus on the happy memories, but I recently suffered a miscarriage and have found that this has brought it all back. It's a case of one step forwards, two steps back maybe.
Spatz - so sorry to hear about your Dad.

What doesn't help also....(sorry, there's more!) is that my brother and sister are like the terrible twins - she is older than me and he is younger. I get on very well with my Mum but I don't get on at all with my brother and I just about tolerate my sister.

When Dad died I was pretty much excluded from the funeral arrangements - they took it all on themselves. I asked if I could help but was told it was all in hand. I would go over to Mum's and both my sister and brother would be there with their list of jobs to do/people to ring etc. Mum just sat there and did as she was told. My brother is very much like my Dad both to look at and mannerisms and it was as if he'd just slid into Dad's shoes. I couldn't handle it after having tried for some days to get involved and in the end I left, in floods of tears shouting out 'he was my Dad too'. I decided that Dad wouldn't have approved of the whole situation so I just left it that I would be there on the day of the funeral, and that'd be it. Fortunately for me I had two young children to look after and keep me busy and they were a complete blessing for me.

Now, 2 yrs later, it's not much better. I still have nothing to do with my brother - he is such an arrogant, opinionated individual and Mum thinks he's absolutely wonderful and the sun shines out of his a. Whenever I have chats with Mum it's 'oh told me not to do this but to do it this way' or 'I'll ask * and get his opinion on it'....it all makes me quite angry.

My Dad used to say that the umbilical cord had never been cut when my brother was born and I do still think that is the case.

Anyway enough of me moaning...as far as what I will actually do on Dad's anniversary - well, I did nothing last year - it was a Sunday and I had a normal day with the kids at home. This year its a Monday so it'll probably be a normal day again. I think of Dad every day but I still find it so hard to believe he's gone for good.

Everybody understands. Just have a good old moan if you need to!! Personally i don't think its moaning.
I sat back as well when it came to the arrangements. They went to an Italian resturant after the funeral and I was so p&%^d off, because 1. I felt too upset to be laughing and eating and 2.My dad had always felt that way too.I can remember at his nan's funeral how upset he had been that people seemed to be having a wonderful time when he felt so awful.
But I guess people cope in different ways,some people want to be celebrated when they die and others don't. I feel upset not because of the celebrations but because I know it was not what my dad would have wanted,but it was out of my hands.

mmmm...brings back the memory I have of Dad's 'after's after his funeral. My brother spent the whole time at the bar, my Mum wanted to go home and I didn't know what I wanted other than the desire to turn the clock back.

My brother organised this huge bash after the funeral - loads of food, plenty to drink etc etc....hardly any of it was eaten and yet Mum had to find the money to pay for it all. He has tried on many an occasion since to take over Mum's finances but Mum has stood her ground. He even wanted to split the funeral costs 3 ways and for us kids to pay a third each! Fortunately Mum, again, stood her ground. He may well be loaded and so is my sister but me? Err nope! Even if she had agreed to it being split 3 way I couldn't have paid the £2000 he'd have wanted from me.

Every time I see him we have cross words - he's a married man yet he still goes to Mums and stays for a few days. Yet if ever a heated discussion starts I am asked to leave - Mum will hear of no criticism of him yet he talks a load of rubbish half the time.

If Dad knew he'd be turning in his grave, I'm sure of that. I just keep saying to myself that Dad wouldn't want me to be wasting my time with him and that I should be devoting my time to my dh and children. Atleast that's what I hope he'd be saying because that's what I've been doing for the last 2 yrs.

Families eh? I just make sure that I try my hardest to bring my children up the best I can and teach them well about life. I learn from all the mistakes I see in my family and it makes me more determined to do a good job.

My dad died of a heart attack 11 years ago at the age of 62. It wasn't until the 7th anniversary that I really felt I'd got used to it.

I feel very much that my life went off track on that day and see things very much in terms of while he was here and after he'd gone. I'm DD2 won't ever know him.

Your comments about your brother, mines, I could have written

Minesalargeone, I think you will always miss your dad - I don't think that ever goes away. Mine died 7 years ago and I still miss him loads. But what seems to happen is that it gets easier to deal with. Like other posters here, I still well up at some things, and some dates are hard. (I had a MC 8 weeks ago, and the due date would have been the same date that my father died, so I know that will be very hard to deal with when it comes around).

I also still cry at odd times when I remember certain things. However, I have no problem talking about my father dying, and I'll definitely tell my DCs stories about him when they're old enough to understand. (One of DS's names is my father's name, so that he can 'live on' in a small way - even through they'll never meet in this earth).

I don't think you ever forget, but the pain does get less. What you're feeling is completely normal - I think it's extremely hard for friends who haven't been through a bereavement to help or comfort you, which is where places like MN are so helpful.

Hi gumbo & covenhope and thank you.x

I think part of my problem over the last 2yrs is not having someone to talk to about the way I feel about the loss of my Dad plus the way I feel about the rest of my family - ie Mum, sister and brother.

I can't talk to Mum about either my sister or brother because she won't, as she puts it, 'take sides' even though I'm not asking her to. Despite the fact we're in our late 30s/early 40s I do still get the impression that she looks upon as kids still.

I have talked to my dh at great length about losing Dad etc but I worry I go on a bit and don't want to keep bringing up the same facts and figures! He also looked upon my Dad as his Dad and Dad even said to me once that my dh was the son he never had. I've been with my dh for almost 20yrs so its only natural that he misses him a great deal too yet I don't really consider this when I am down and miserable.

This is what this site is so good for - people like me....whose majority of friends have never lost a parent and I value all your opinions.

The only good thing that has come out of losing my lovely, kind, funny, caring Dad is that when anyone else I know loses their Dad or Mum and they want someone to turn to I will be there for them, no matter what.