How to feel after death of parent.

[Lucky20]

My dear dad passed away in the early hours of this morning. I cried before he died but have not cried since. I’m cleaning his house and washing sheets. I was with him when he died. I’m not sure what I feel except tired and some relief. His illness had continued far beyond what medical staff said it should have. Is this normal to be this calm and practical? It feels wrong. Will grief kick in later? X

I’m sorry. My dad passed away suddenly on Sunday. I cried hysterically. I have periods of calm and when I feel ok. Then I have periods where I sob and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It’s so hard. My thoughts are with you x

I’m so sorry.

It’s my father’s funeral today. I haven’t really cried, just one evening where I was hysterical. I don’t know if I’ve shut down or if I just don’t have time to cry.

Mine died yesterday.

I’ve not really slept. And am still crying intermittently. He had a life limiting condition but we had expected him to be around for another year or so. In the event he deteriorated extremely quickly so it has come as a huge shock.

When my Mum died which was long and drawn out I was much more practical in my response, I think I’d done a lot of my grieving for her while she was still existing.

the I’m in this situation too at the moment. I suppose the cleaning is a coping mechanism to help you keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. Your body has gone into a ‘coping’ mode and at some point the grief will come. Thinking of you both too. x

Thank you. I’m so sorry for your losses too. It’s very surreal. I’ve never lost anyone close before. IT’s good to hear the rdifferent responds. Isuppose we all cope in different ways and need to be ready for the different stages.
Teddy , thinking of you today and hope you have the strength to get through. Xx

I've lost both my parents in the last 12 months and was really quite worried that I wasn't crippled with grief.

They were by no means the first time I'd lost people so I was expecting to grieve like before and more.

A bit of googling suggests it's more common than you'd think. I guess people don't talk about it because frankly it's embarrassing, particularly when someone's consoling you for the loss of someone you did love very much, to admit that you feel fine really.

God knows why our subconscious minds have decided that this is how it's going to be.

Anyone else get dreams where they're more normally upset, only to wake up and feel fine again?

Sorry. There is no rule book. When dad died it was a mix of exhaustion, almost relief (it was long drawn out and we were waiting in limbo), anger, absolute loss.

Mum just died - quickly and without warning. I got a call and just couldn’t take it in. It didn’t seem real (I was 600 miles away so wasn’t even nearby). I had to call my sister and as soon as she locked up the phone she just knew. That one was coming at me in waves of emotion and I had a 3 year old to chase after.

We all get through it the best you can. Just watch out for the ninjas - guilt and despair. They leap on you when you least expect it.

Try to eat and sleep. I was just numb until the funeral - you keep thinking ‘get through the funeral’ - after that it was just so quiet and lonely.

to you all.

My father died 12 years ago and I cried at various times for a year. Obviously not all the time but a song playing that meant something or finding something of his suddenly. My mother died a year ago and my grief was completely different. I cried as she died for a couple of minutes then at the funeral when the coffin went down and that was it. She did have dementia though and although she always knew who I was , the actual person that she was had gone. I felt bad that I didn’t cry more. Having said that though a close friend died in lockdown which meant I couldn’t go to the funeral. I was the one who got the call from his family so i was the one who had to tell others. Lots of people cried when I told them but I didn’t at all. I felt sad but no tears then I was watching an old episode of London’s burning where a major character dies and I started crying and couldn’t stop completely out of proportion to the story. My emotions had just caught up with me and it all bubbles over so sometimes it happens like that.

I have been up and down now. It was only yesterday morning but it feels like days have passed. For a while I’m fine then it hits. I just collapsed on the floor this morning making sounds I’d never made before. Then half an hour later I was fine. I think you hit the nail on the head @Lordfrontpaw when you said guilt. I know I did a lot for dad but I’m still thinking what if, what should I, could I have done x

@TeddyIsaHe I hope you got through the day ok x
to everyone x

I'm sorry for your liss.

I honestly think that your brain gives you grief in waves so you can handle it better. Your body knows what it is doing, trust it.

Liss= loss

I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad died 20 months ago.
There is no right or wrong way. It helped us to focus on practical tasks and also that we had Mum to look after and a big funeral to plan.
Don’t do so much that you exhaust yourself though. Baths and face packs are good, a chat on the phone with a friend etc. Eat whatever you feel like or get in some extra milk, bananas, ice cream if you feel you can’t take much. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss. Whatever emotions you feel are valid, and accept they are unlikely to be consistent. It's like being on the shore in a storm, and the waves crash over you. Some knock you off your feet, some don't. Eventually the storm fades, and the waves become less frequent. For now, it's entirely understandable to feel numb, fine, grief stricken and fine again in any order and over any span of time. Take care of yourself.

I’ve thankfully not lost a parent but I was very close to my aunt Who died of pancreatic cancer last year. In the immediate weeks and months after she passed, all I felt was relief and actually really pleased she wasn’t suffering anymore. She suffered terribly, especially towards the end - I’ve never told anyone this but after the last time I saw her, I hoped and prayed she would go soon so her suffering would end. It took me till 6 months after her funeral to properly cry. I miss her terribly and I get waves of grief every now and again these days.

I am so sorry for you loss OP and others on this thread going through this. Everyone grieves and reacts differently so I don’t think there is a ‘normal’

Thanks for your replies. It’s finding a way through I suppose. And knowing there is no normal helps x

When my dad died I was with him. It was a surprise because nobody knew how Ill he was. I was numb for quite a while.
In contrast, when my mother died, I was happy. She spent 5 years slowly dying and wasnt a particularly good parent, so it was a relief for me.
Weirdly though, I know the exact date of my mothers death, but only remember the month and year if my dad's.

Lucky - yes there is no normal and no ‘right’ was. We all middle through the best we can and are often surprised by our emotions. Grief is a bugger - so don’t even try to analyse your thoughts and feelings.

Just be - and make sure you eat and sleep ok.

Thank you . Suddenly feeling exhausted now. Sat down on the settee and suddenly woke 3 hours later. Just feeling numb again. As you say every emotion x x thanks all x

There is no normal, OP. When my brother died I grieved in a very obvious way, it was horrible, painful, profoundly sad. This was a few years back but I still feed deeply sad at times.

When my Dad died, I just felt relief and a bit of anger. This was two years ago. I cried at the funeral, but grief never really came. There was a brief period where I perceived my dad as he was in health, 30 years previously, and I felt like a child again. That was a little bit sad. Similar to you, I was with him when he died, and he'd been ill for a long time. It was dementia, so I could argue that I grieved during that process, but I don't honestly know if its true. When he died I just left the hospital and went home, I didn't want to stay with his body, if anything I was afraid. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a bit callous.

I don’t know . I’ve thought about it. It’s only been 4 days and at times I’ve been watching tv and forgotten. But I think that’s a coping mechanism. If you didn’t have an off switch for a bit it would be totally overwhelming, which happens as well. X

Have now got the constant deep inside sick heavy feeling that didn’t have before.Things keep changing x

You just have to move through the emotions - they lunge and creep away. You will have feelings of calm and rage. Despair and hypertension.

It gets better it really does - but there is no schedule. Try to focus on the day to day and be aware that these emotions will come out of the blue and surprise you.

I just wanted to send you all love x