How to feel after death of parent.

[Lucky20]

My dear dad passed away in the early hours of this morning. I cried before he died but have not cried since. I’m cleaning his house and washing sheets. I was with him when he died. I’m not sure what I feel except tired and some relief. His illness had continued far beyond what medical staff said it should have. Is this normal to be this calm and practical? It feels wrong. Will grief kick in later? X

Thank you . I get that, new grief brings back old feelings . It’s vicious. I've been alright all day but tonight, wham. I feel I can’t lean on family because they have their own grief and it’s so hard to see friends for a hug with

*Hard to see friends for a hug with covid

I think when someone has had a long illness it really can be a relief when they die. It’s very early days, lovey. Do take care. Grief can hit you all of a sudden.

My mum died at the beginning of April. I feel just as you do - sometimes absolutely fine, sometimes floored with grief.

I wouldn't even say I have good and bad days - it's good and bad hours. Talk to your family - you are all grieving. Sometimes my sister and I talk about mum and cry, and other times we talk about our memories of her and laugh hysterically.

One of my friends said to me that 'grief is the unravelling of habits' and that really resonated with me - it explains why certain things really hit me and other things don't. I hope you feel a bit better OP. When I'm really low I think 'what would mum say?' and I can usually hear her saying 'come on now, you're OK'. It helps a bit.

Lots of love to all. . I lost my mum a couple of weeks ago. It was sudden, and a shock at the time. My last conversation with her was a cheerful chat about day-to-day things, nothing profound. I do think I’d had a weird inkling of ‘something impending’ for some weeks beforehand though, and had put it down to the current situation with C-19.

I loved both my parents, but barely had a relationship with my dad and he’d barely had much life in the last years, so relief was the main emotion and 17 years on it’s just regret for the limitations of his life. With mum, we did have a relationship, sometimes a rather enmeshed one. I did a lot of pre-emptive grieving about her un-lived life and I worked through some guilt about not being able to ‘fix’ things for her. I’m feeling sad, sometimes a bit out of focus, sometimes fine. I’m being very firm with people who have rushed to ‘comfort’ me, which is appreciated but not needed. I’ve let people know I’ll let them know when I need them and how. Stages of grief can be useful for some but aren’t prescriptive.

Please please do talk to your family. They may have their own grief but sharing it really might help.

Worth having a distanced chat to a friend perhaps? When I was on bereavement leave for my Dad I went and sat in a local playing field with a friend who'd lost both his parents within weeks of each other (but decades ago) and that helped settle me a bit.

Thank you all. I've spoken to friends and that really helps.It seems worse as time goes by which I was warned about. I think like noodlezoodle its hour by hour. And I'm sure Dad would say just get up and carry on but you have to grieve. I'll be ok for a bit then on the floor in a heap. I know its the grieving process and everyone has to go through it, just knowing there's people out there is really helpful. Love to you all too.x

My DF died aged 54 when I was 26 and my DM age 69 in a car accident.
I was devastated both times but having to clear and sell the family home and wind up an estate whilst working with young children kind of focussed the mind. Grief came in waves. It still does but much less often. I cried in the car a lot.
The immediate few days were still the worst part. You will be ok.

How awful for you.To lose both parents and one so young. It puts it all in perspective.
Thank you. I've had a really bad couple of days of crying non stop but feel a bit calmer now.
Like you say comes in waves. xx

I was calmer in the early days than I am now 3 months later. Now it's harder than it was then but until tonight I hadn't spoken to anybody about it properly. It's the unexpected things that make me cry, children I was working with yester

Oops..yesterday were doing a yoga activity and I realised I was struggling to keep the tears back. Luckily I don't cry, just tears start streaming and I can claim hay fever.

Yes. I understand that . I went to the shops and then was walking round the aisles in tears. I think the disbelief is still huge for me too xx I have to keep busy ti cope x

The GP tells me it's perfectly normal for the little things to be what sets off the emotions. That said I totally lost the plot the other day when somebody was complaining that they hadn't been able to see their Dad for three weeks and didn't know when they would see him again. I wasn't very successful at telling myself that everybody has their own difficulties

It’s tough op. I’m 2 years on from losing my lovely dad. It’s not as raw now but it does still catch me occasionally. In fact I’ve been feeling a bit nothingy the last few days, and just sat in the quiet tonight with no one else around and felt a bit sad and heavy and your post caught my eye.

It sounds cheeses but it’s all a bit of a journey. Sometimes grief is right there in your face, sometimes it’s lingering in the background, sometimes it’s a comfort and sometimes it’s a burden.

Your thread has reminded me of the sadness and confusion in those early days and I’ve just sat here and had a cry. Which is ok because after these numb few days it’s nice to “feel” again.

Anyway, take it step by step. Bit by bit. You will always have your dads love and your love for him too.

Big hugs to you, and to others recently or not so recently bereaved

Thank you A1A1 it makes it easier to know how others feel and that it catches you out. My siblings and I all feel differently to each other on different days. I keep telling myself I'm lucky to have had my dad for so long when people are losing family members suddenly to Covid. Again, disbelief is the main emotion at the minute. Love to all xx

Hang on to that feeling of lucky - I found feeling grateful the best way to get through the hard times. You are lucky to have your dad (hell always be with you) and I’m sure he was lucky to have you.

*he’ll

I haven't found that way to feel grateful, I wish I could. My dad hadn't known who I was for a few years and would tell me that I never visited him (this is pretty much true) and then when I did visit him he ignored me and spoke to my DC, not knowing who they really were as they thought they were somebody else's child and told me they didn't want to talk to me and sent me out of the room so they could talk to my dc.

@Lucky20 I don't think there is a "normal" in these situations. My dad died suddenly last year. I was the first to arrive at the hospital and the first to find out. We all thought he'd just taken a bit of a fall, so I told the rest of the family not to worry coming (I live local, they don't). After the initial scream as soon as the doctor told me, I went straight into calm and practical mode. Family needed to be called, decisions needed to be made, and I kind of just let the shock take over and did what needed to be done. Afterwards was all a bit of a blur, but if losing him has taught me anything about grief, it's that everyone reacts so differently and processes things in their own way. There is no right or wrong way of doing it. I did have grief counselling which helped a lot, it gave me my own space and time to process what happened, which is where I found I let out most of my emotions.

So many talk about the 5 stages of grief, and they're all there... but don't expect a linear journey. I found days I felt totally ok, others I couldn't even get out of bed. My thoughts are with you, this is one of the worst things a person can go through. Go well and be kind to yourself, just take it a day at a time x

I’m so sorry for your loss and for everyone here who has lost a loved one. Everyone grieves in different ways, don’t worry about what is normal and don’t feel bad or guilty about your thoughts and emotions, it’s a terribly difficult time and you’re bound to go through all sorts of emotions and sometimes none at all. Of course it will start to feel better one day and until then it’s all about whatever gets you through. Look after yourself xxxx