How to feel after death of parent.

[Lucky20]

My dear dad passed away in the early hours of this morning. I cried before he died but have not cried since. I’m cleaning his house and washing sheets. I was with him when he died. I’m not sure what I feel except tired and some relief. His illness had continued far beyond what medical staff said it should have. Is this normal to be this calm and practical? It feels wrong. Will grief kick in later? X

Thank you. So good to have somewhere like this to share x

Post anytime - theses usually someone around. 💐

When my Dad died, I hardly cried.
But when my geraniums looked wilted and sad, I thought
I'll phone and ask my Dad
And then I cried.

I don't know who wrote these lines, but they captured exactly what happened with me - and, more than 30 years later, when I hear a joke or see a TV programme he would have loved, it still happens.

When my dad died I broke. I found out at work. I had a 90 min drive to get to where he was and in that time I was empty. Once I got to his it was practicality all the way. It's been over 7 years and sometimes things still get me. I sobbed like it was al brand new the other week after a tv programme perfectly captured my feelings.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve and it's true, there are always people here who understand.

Whatever you do OP. It's ok. It's just ok. You don't 'have' to feel anything.

When I lost my mum I felt fine for weeks. I felt so guilty about it but someone at work reassured me he'd been the same. About a n month later is suddenly hit me and I burst into tears. At the moment you are in shock and your mind is protecting you until it feels you are safe. There's no right or wrong way. Just feel what you feel

The last time I went out for dinner with my Mum was her birthday in January.

I hadn't been feeling well, and we left halfway through the meal.

Just suddenly dawned on me yesterday I'll never have the chance to make up for ruining her birthday dinner.

I’m very sorry for your loss - totally normal to go through waves of feelings - tearfulness to practicality to numbness to occasional smiles - try not to overthink that side of things and put one foot in front of the other

It’s a whole week now since my dad died suddenly. We were so close, I loved him more than anything in this world. I’m weary and a bit teary but I am putting one foot in front of the other. I have 2 young kids to look after, I have to keep keeping on. I’m so scared that one day I’ll completely fall apart.
At some point I have to go back to work and add that into the mix.
How long have people had off? I was already struggling wfh with the kids. This just feels like too much.

My dad died when I was 24. So 40 years. My sisters were younger than me. I took 4 days off work plus the day of the funeral. It’s what everyone else took. However I think it’s all about how well you feel but I do think that getting on with something that requires your attention is therapy. If you can concentrate on work, it helps.

I cannot honestly say I felt so awful as has been described. DM and I went shopping to get her an outfit (DM was seriously casual) and we organised the funeral. I collected sis from university and DM contacted the school for younger sis who continued to go to school.

DF was elderly but it was still a shock. However I felt his loss more keenly as time went by. Just those little things that you would have laughed about and the film “On Golden Pond” really upset me when I watched it on a plane 2 years later. You simply don’t know.

Work should have a policy for time off due to bereavement. If you exceed it you normally need to be considered ill. You will feel better eventually and memories will make you laugh rather than cry.

I’ve taken the bereavement leave this week. I’m supposed to be back tomorrow then as if nothing happened. He’s still in the hospital mortuary, the death certificate hasn’t even been issued yet, I need to be there for my mum. It’s just not enough time

I lost my OH in February, and one thing is clear is that we are all grieving in different ways.

Mostly I am OK - I saw him through a very very difficult last illness, although in the end he died in a nursing home - an excellent one, I should stress.

My AC are all grieving in their own different ways and I feel that part of my role is to help them stay afloat, partly by not putting too much of my grief onto them - although I have the occasional blip when they mop me up. It is hard for me to know how best to help them, as they are grieving the man who was their Dad and remember all the good things. They have little idea of how profoundly he was changed by his illness, and the real business of being his wife while he slowly deteriorated. I was at the sharp end and am able to be relieved that he is at peace.

If anyone has any suggestions as to how I might help my AC it would be lovely to hear them.

Their is no normal OP. My dad had struggled with his health for years. I thought we were going to loose him at Christmas and I cried inconsolably. I also cried lots everyday for almost almost a week before he died. But then when he died I went into a practical mode supporting my mum and siblings emotionally and my mum with household billings and notifying all the various places that my dad had died. I kind of felt flat and a bit empty but I didn’t cry. I think I accepted that my dad was free of pain and wouldn’t suffer anymore it helped me. I occasionally I feel sad as its been almost a month but I remember my dad in happier healthier times and think at least he is at peace and won’t be suffering any more.

Look up the five stages of grief OP. You can move through the various stages sometimes feeling better other times feeling worse. Their is no right or wrong way so just do whatever you need to do.

Well some people are ok with a week and some people are not. Most people take a lot longer if it’s a child or younger person. With older people it’s more “expected”. Of course you can ask for more time off but you might have to have it as sick leave or unpaid. What do others do at work? I think it’s best to try and work if you can but if you cannot, explain to your GP.

I remember going to see my Mum, 150 miles away, and I realised at that point that she was not going to survive long. I came home and sat in the bath and wept buckets. But then I picked myself up and cried no more; not even at her funeral.

Please also remember that your sadness is allowed - but so is your happiness. Do not feel bad when the happier moments shine through. You are allowed to be happy again - it is no reflection on your feelings about the loved one you have lost.

Thank you all.
It’s good to hear what people are saying. I’ve been through a whole range of emotions now. I’ve spoken to friends and cried all the way through and then other times been very matter of fact about it all. I guess the day to day practicalities are getting me just about through at the minute but I’ve had more dark moments that last week now. I’m off work because of covid for the next week but can’t wait to get back to immerse myself in something else.
@OldSpeclkledHen I feel for you. I have been over everything I said I’d do it where we’d go and now we won’t.
It’s overwhelming and I have to block it all out and try to concentrate on other things.
My heart goes out to all of you too Xx

I have been mainly okay TBH but when people I'm not close to are sympathetic I can get a bit teary. But I haven't felt any profound grief at all really, it all feels superficial even if I do need a tissue to wipe my eyes.

I wonder if I spent so much effort trying not to get stressed about various things and make the most of what I had, that now I can't feel any strong feelings.

I watched "the farewell" on Amazon last week (good film btw) and was.just.fine. It's about a family gathering ostensibly for a wedding but really so everyone can see terminally-ill granny (who officially doesn't know what's wrong with her) one last time.
Yet I remember weeping buckets over Kramer Vs Kramer (child of divorce).

It's - I dunno. Have I just permanently deadened my feelings or are they stuck behind a 2-metre-thick blast door, seeping drop by drop through the tiny gaps round the edges?

Reading this with interest as I was told nearly 4 weeks ago that my Dad didn't have long left so we raced over to say goodbye (2 hours drive) (told by his GP that it was allowed on compassionate grounds). I then had this weird limbo situation where in the first few days after we were told I cried a lot, just waiting for the phone call...then there was confusion after about a week as he was still 'ok' so it was trying to sensitively get some facts. (Made trickier due to his wife/step mum situation - relations not great). We are now clearly near the end (which is where we thought we were 4 weeks ago) and I don't know how I'm going to feel when the time comes. I suppose I'm a bit angry that the message was not made clear 4 weeks ago - that sounds harsh but it was essentially emotional torture and I am annoyed that my step-mum didn't give a clearer message about what the GP had said (it was articulated to me that he had hours left - it was evident the following morning that this really wouldn't have been said - and they hadn't even talked about end of life care properly by that stage. I found out this happened just last week - 3 weeks after we were told to go and say goodbye).

That all sounds garbled and isn't even the key message! Key thing is I love my Dad a lot and I'm dreading the phone call to say he's gone. But I also have a sense that I'll feel some relief, given I feel like I've grieved or built up to grieving for the last 4 weeks.

for everyone suffering right now.

I’m sorry for your loss.

My mum died about 4 years ago. She had terminal cancer for about 18 months. I always thought that if/when I lost her I wouldn’t be able to carry on living so I surprised myself by actually feeling OK. There was so much to do after her death that I didn’t really have time to think about things too deeply. Four years later I still cry when I think of her, which is often, but I don’t feel sad anymore. The opposite actually. I feel happy when I think about her and how wonderful she was.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my Dad six weeks ago, he was in a nursing home and got covid, he was fine one day and gone the next. I was upset and angry for the first week but I haven't felt too bad since. I have sometimes felt guilty about that, but I'm pretty sure it's my mind's way of protecting me from the shock, especially as my mum is also ill at the moment so there's something else to focus on.

I have found that if I spend time looking at old pictures I get sad, but otherwise I'm managing ok. It does feel weird, but I know from reading about other people's experiences it's actually not that unusual. I am aware that it could hit me months down the line, or maybe it won't. Whatever way your mind processes the loss, it doesn't change the importance of the relationship you had with your dad or the love you had for him.

@user100987 It seems that when someone is dying people often get a bit mad and tricky to deal with - I've seen this so many times. You end up doing a LOT of "firmly shut your mouth and don't open it again unless you're absolutely sure this matters".

It became clear near the end it was the end for dad but we had had a few weeks of not knowing how Ill he was and I grieved in the final few days more than the few days after.
I too have always wondered how other people do it and thought if anything happens I could never go on but you do don’t you? It’s not getting any easier as the days go on though and I didnt expect it to . I’m wailing a lot at the moment. I know it will take time.
I’m so sorry for anyone who has lost a loved one to covid that is a great tragedy especially as you couldn’t see them.
Love to all xx

Bad night. Pain hard to hear. Just overwhelmed don’t know what happened today , feel a bit better just writing on here . Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a long road.

My dad died last October. I'm sorry to say I don't think I felt much at all. I did love him in my way and I had times of sadness but I mainly felt huge relief I no longer had to deal with him or worry about him. What To Do About Dad has been an issue all my life in various ways - and I think he knew it- and now I never have to worry about it again. No more disasters, money crises, court cases, scams, family rows or emails describing just how rubbish his behaviour has been.

But after all that... I had 2 weeks off work (mostly sick leave) and needed it, I think because my husband died just over 2 years ago and my grief for him was reanimated. So just because a couple of days is enough for some, it's not for everyone.