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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

not coping

76 replies

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 23:18

My Dad died. I have nobody to talk to him about, had no funeral to go to, haven't had a single condolences card.
i've been pushed over the edge tonight when i saw thing thing about the yellow hearts in windows for people who died from the virus because their families didn't want them to be a statistic but that is all my dad was to everybody and now he can't even have a yellow heart because he died from the wrong thing.
i can't cope.
i can't bear to read the threads on here it's just too painful

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 21/05/2020 23:23

When did he die and what of? Did he/you have no other family? Happy for you to PM me if you just need to talk it out.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 21/05/2020 23:26

Put a different colour heart for your dad. Of course he deserves one. So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 23:27

no, no other family.
he got sepsis and died unexpectedly very quickly

OP posts:
eggandonion · 21/05/2020 23:31

Just want to say i'm here with you - it's my mum's anniversary tomorrow. Thinking of you and your dad.

LouiseTrees · 21/05/2020 23:36

Very sorry for your loss. I had an uncle die of a brain haemorrhage and it was such an awful shock, you just don’t expect it when one minute they are healthy and then they are gone. Do you have any support network to tell about his passing? I would suggest trying to detox from reading things on here unless it provides comfort or company

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 23:38

no i don't have a support network
i don't read the threads here as i can't help other people yet (sorry for that) and it upsets me too much so i started my own thread

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 21/05/2020 23:43

Hi op. Just wanted to say some of the bereavement threads you don’t at all have to help others - there is a lot of support and not everyone is ready to give support or wants to and that’s fine.
Really feel for you. I’ve lost both parents over the last year or so and it is really tough.
I’m sorry about your dad. He’d want you to be ok so I’m glad you started this thread.
Support. Flowers

LouiseTrees · 21/05/2020 23:46

Feel free to post any memories etc in here then. We didn’t know the man but you need to be able to process, to speak if you want, to remain silent when you want, to cry when you want... my heart goes out to you Flowers

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 23:47

thank you
i would want to give support but i can't yet
i know when i hear about somebody losing their dad recently i feel angry that my dad has been dead longer as its 3 months and they had extra time and then i feel mean and stupid for feeling like that and thinking 3 months on i should be able to cope.

OP posts:
SpillTheTeaa · 21/05/2020 23:56

3 months is still very very raw. Don't feel like you have to cope.
My uncle died 6 years ago and it's still as raw for my mum as the day she was told. It's okay to grieve. There is no time limit. You are human. You take all the time you need. Don't feel like you should have to reach expectations of what you should be doing.
Grief is a very personal experience and it effects people in different ways.
Would you like to share any memories of your lovely dad? Thanks

LouiseTrees · 21/05/2020 23:56

Oh gosh. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. That’s still very recent.

eggandonion · 22/05/2020 00:09

Three months is only a season, a few weeks. You don't need to help anyone, not now.

echt · 22/05/2020 05:29

So very sorry for your loss, thesuperfluousone

As a haunter of these threads after the death of my DH (top support from MNers, by the way) I've wondered about what happens in CV times, if people drop off the grid of sympathy.

Three months is such short time, still in the immediacy of grief, I'm nearly four years in and it still pierces me.

Would you like to tell us about your dad?

Flowers
The80sweregreat · 22/05/2020 10:34

I hope your ok today op. I'm
Sorry for your loss and I hope you will be alright. It's so sad.
Keep talking on here. X

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 03:06

Not good, awake having a panic attack.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 23/05/2020 03:10

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear dad, Op. He was important. He mattered. You matter. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this alone. Flowers

Aus84 · 23/05/2020 03:13

You ok OP? My DH often wakes in the middle of the night with panic attacks. So scary at the time..

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 03:21

No I'm not ok I can't do this I can't get out of this panic attack
Ive tried reading I've tried counting but I can't do it

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 23/05/2020 03:27

Op, I’ve had panic attacks and I found tha the fear of the panic attack, and fighting them/desperately trying to stop them, just made them worse. My therapist advised me to accept they were happening and not try to stop them. They would then pass. This worked. Can you just accept it is happening and will stop in its own time? They’re unpleasant, I know, but you know it’s just a panic attack and won’t harm you.

Tolleshunt · 23/05/2020 03:28

I hope that didn’t sound unsympathetic, I do really sympathise.

PatricksRum · 23/05/2020 03:29

Hi OP
Checking in with you.
Have you tried the headspace app for your panic attack?
So sorry for your loss

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 03:32

No not insensitive it makes sense but I can't do it I can just feel it building up and up and I don't know where this is going
I don't know headspace I tried an app not sure of the name with Stephen fry reading but it's not working tonight

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 23/05/2020 03:38

Oh Op, that sounds tough. I don’t suppose there’s anyone you could phone at this hour?

NiteWotcha · 23/05/2020 03:39

Are you okay OP?
So sorry to hear about your dad Flowers

People have found this breathing gif useful

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 03:40

No I don't have any family or friends I'm doing it on my own
Well no I have one family member but we don't do personal stuff they are very aloof and hate weakness

OP posts: