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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

not coping

76 replies

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 23:18

My Dad died. I have nobody to talk to him about, had no funeral to go to, haven't had a single condolences card.
i've been pushed over the edge tonight when i saw thing thing about the yellow hearts in windows for people who died from the virus because their families didn't want them to be a statistic but that is all my dad was to everybody and now he can't even have a yellow heart because he died from the wrong thing.
i can't cope.
i can't bear to read the threads on here it's just too painful

OP posts:
Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 03:41

Trying that gif thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 04:02

I can't do it.

OP posts:
NiteWotcha · 23/05/2020 04:10

Hi OP
Sorry to hear you're struggling so much tonight- get yourself a cup of tea or other hot drink and maybe watch some mindless tv or your favourite programme on YouTube?
What would help, do you think?

Have you contacted a grief counsellor? You could contact your GP for information

Ohthepressure · 23/05/2020 04:20

Can you listen to the radio or something? Try to distract your mind? Hang on in there...

Yearcat13 · 23/05/2020 04:24

OP it's okay to not be able to relax.
You have had a huge trauma and your whole self is trying to cope.
Take it one second at a time.
Bananas are good, easy to eat.
Try to talk to your GP to get something to help you sleep.
The pain of grief us too much yet we endure it.

Small steps. Xx

PatricksRum · 23/05/2020 05:12

One hour at a time OP.

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 11:07

i'll call the gp on monday i've never felt closer to wishing i wasn't here any more but i won't do anything to not be here i just want to feel better and not feel useless and stupid

OP posts:
echt · 23/05/2020 11:21

Hold on, thesuperflouousone

Talk to us.

fairydustandpixies · 23/05/2020 11:27

I'm sure that your dad would be so proud of you right now. You're hanging on, you're going to call the GP next week so are looking ahead. That's all great and positive!

You should grieve and cry and be heartbroken, you've lost your dad. But carry on making him proud! You've got all of us here too, we're hear to listen.

You're amazing OP.

eggandonion · 23/05/2020 14:04

What age are you? Someone might be able to suggest a phone line for immediate use or the best website, until you can see our gp. (I'm not in the UK)
As someone said, eat a banana - remember to eat simple food even if you can't be bothered, and try to sleep even if you can't. Are you working just now?

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 23/05/2020 15:06

i'm in my 50s so an age when you do lose parents which is partly why i think i should cope. yes i am still working. thank you

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 23/05/2020 17:42

OP you’re not useless or stupid. You’re somebody who’s suffering enormous hurt and loss. Loss of parents is one of the hardest things we can go through in life, and the circumstances will have made it even more difficult. Please be kind to yourself. You’re not doing anything wrong and your feelings aren’t wrong either. I wish you had real life support with you.

eggandonion · 23/05/2020 17:54

Are you working from home or going to work? These are very difficult days just now, everything is wrong but your world is upside down. The usual days following a death are unusual.
I don't mean to pry, but is your relation a sibling or other parent, or aunt or uncle? Being stoic is hard work. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings, there is no right or wrong.
If it helps, keep using this thread. Or use the long term one, don't feel you have to give anything to it.

Yearcat13 · 23/05/2020 22:50

OP just checking in on you. Weekends can be tough. Hang on in there, many if us have been there. You dont even have to be strong. Xx

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 24/05/2020 03:01

No work is out of the house but I work alone so I can just get on with it.
My relative is unrelated to Dad, a step parent who I have little to do with.
No panic attack tonight just numb. I will try and look at other threads but not sure I can.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 24/05/2020 03:33

Sorry for your loss @thesuperfluousone
It's still very early days for you. I felt numb for a long time. Everyone deals with grief in their own way.

florababy84 · 24/05/2020 03:40

You have absolutely no obligation to help anyone else in their grief when you're grieving yourself. If it doesn't help to look at Mumsnet then perhaps give it a break or stick only to this thread.

You poor thing, it's an awful awful time to be going through trauma and grief because there's less support and nothing is normal.

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 24/05/2020 04:07

I found details of grief counselling that Gp's refer to for my county. They have insufficient counsellors and concentrate on deaths at the hospice and unexpected deaths. I'm not taking a space as I don't fit their appropriate priorities, especially now when so many more are in need.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 24/05/2020 04:40

It's no good. I can't do this. It's insurmountable

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KavvLar · 24/05/2020 04:53

You will get through this night OP, take one moment at a time. We can't tell you what to do but we are here.

Lost my dad in March, so understand the jealous and irrational feelings. I also recognize the playing down of your own grief by thinking that it shouldn't be so bad for you as for others (being the age for losing a parent, in my case it was his age, whatever applies).

The fact is bereavement is a horrific thing to have to face whatever the circumstances, and there isn't a 'right way' to do it. We just have to do it our own way.

Sending you strength in the darkness.

FenellasFinger · 24/05/2020 09:46

Dear OP. I hear your desperation. hope you're a little better this morning. I nearly lost my husband to sepsis, it's brutal.

Please, please lift the phone and call the Samaritans they will help you immediately and also give you a list of service you can reach out to. Your GP should also have an 'out of ours' service. If you feel as you were in the night, this is an emergency and you deserve help. You are not alone, please ask for help.

Thinking of you today. Don't think no one cares, I care and I'm a stranger, so would many others.

OhioOhioOhio · 24/05/2020 09:50

You must get him a heart.

Sunbird24 · 24/05/2020 10:02

Just read your thread OP and wanted to add my support to everyone else’s.
I can recommend Cruse for help with processing grief, do have a look at their website, there’s a free helpline number if you want to physically talk to somebody.

eggandonion · 24/05/2020 13:33

I noticed you are awake in the night,are you sleeping a bit but woken by disturbing dreams? I went through a few months after my dad died, having hospital dreams. It was exhausting on top of everything else. I used a herbal remedy which seemed to help, there is a rescue remedy sleep thing I think.
Middle of the night wakeup is so horrible! Eat something healthy soon.

Original poster
thesuperfluousone · 25/05/2020 03:44

I used to have dreams with my dad in them after he died then I had one where we were talking and he said I am going now and turned and walked away along a path round a mountain and that was the last dream I had with him in it now I wake up having had no dream that I remember at all 😪
In my last real conversation with him on the phone he was saying how the last time I visited him I left and he thought i was coming back the next day and I never turned up. He didn't know he was talking to me and was complaining about me to me 😪 All he knew of me was that I hadn't done what I had told him I was going to do on the last time that I saw him. The very last thing I said to him in person was a lie 😪😪😪😪

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