not coping

[thesuperfluousone]

My Dad died. I have nobody to talk to him about, had no funeral to go to, haven't had a single condolences card.
i've been pushed over the edge tonight when i saw thing thing about the yellow hearts in windows for people who died from the virus because their families didn't want them to be a statistic but that is all my dad was to everybody and now he can't even have a yellow heart because he died from the wrong thing.
i can't cope.
i can't bear to read the threads on here it's just too painful

Sorry you were up in the night again. Did you call the Samaritans or Cruse which was an excellent idea?

Dying is hard, poor dad. I'm sure you were doing your best, did he have other visitors or were you doing that on your own as well? So many people on here have experienced nipping out for a coffee having spent hours at a bedside only for their relation to pass away in the ten minutes they were out to the room.
My mum sent me home when my dad was dying, she wanted to be on her own with him.
I'm sure you were doing your best, most people do their best - don't beat yourself up are easy words to say to you, and so difficult for you to achieve.

He had different visitors intermittently, family and friends. I phoned the Samaritans last night but it was like I didn't know what to say. A voice at the end of a phone was less lonely but it was crushing afterwards when I was alone again,
I'm in pain my shoulder muscles have tightened up like guitar strings and I can't sleep.

Could you try listening to a book, nothing challenging, just so you have someone talking to you,as company.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I felt much the same when my DH died in his thirties. Grief and bereavement are brutal experiences, especially if you are on your own.
May I offer a few bits of advice from my own experience? Feel free to pick or discard whatever you want.
Firstly, look after your own physical wellbeing. Regular meals, daily exercise, fresh air, are all important and if you are physically tired you will sleep better.
Your GP can prescribe a short course (a couple of weeks) of a mild sedative to help with panic attacks, or a sleeping tablet if required for a few nights to reestablish your sleeping pattern.
Contact your local parish church minister. You don’t have to be a church member or even a Christian. They are trained and experienced in offering bereavement support and are currently doing this by phone or video link.
Contact your local Covid volunteer support group. They will provide regular phone chats to people living alone during lockdown, and will be a friendly voice for you.
Ditto the Samaritans.
Contact Cruse bereavement support. They can talk through all the feelings you are suffering and help you deal with them.
It’s perfectly normal to feel a whole range of emotions at such times, OP, and inappropriate guilt is very common. You are beating yourself up about your final conversation with dad, instead of thinking of the years of much happier memories with him. He would be horrified to think you were so upset by those few minutes of grumbling.
Three months is very raw and early. You will go through guilt, anger, sadness and a whole lot of “if only” - but you will come out the other end.
Instead of being sad all day, a time will come when something simple makes you smile - maybe just a silly sitcom on tv. Nobody stays at your current level of grief for ever, it’s unsustainable and exhausting. Sooner or later life reasserts itself.
May I share with you something I saw carved on a stone memorial by the water of Leith in Edinburgh. It says “Grief is not forever. But love is”.
Sending you a hug, OP, and my prayers that you find the help you need to come through this. God bless.

I'm still not coping. I contacted my Gp for an appointment but was screened out by their new online fi,terming system, I put in my symptoms and it came back saying grief was normal and talking about it might make it worse and coping at home with it myself was the best way.
I give up with trying to get help. I'm on my own.
Thank you all who have tried to help. I'll carry on muddling through. I tried to access cruse support and got a very helpful looking booklet about coping with bereavement but couldn't cope with reading it.

So very sorry for you. This is a dreadful thing we’re all going through right now. Take care. We’re all here and thinking of you x

Did you tell the GP screening service that you were having suicidal thoughts? I know you said you weren't going to act on the "not wanting to be here", you did say that quite clearly, but my worry is that at 3am the part of the brain that says, "no, don't do that" is often not awake and working. So if you were my friend I would suggest getting back in touch with the GP and being very upfront about those thoughts.

It does get better but sometimes people need help. I knew someone in a similar situation last year. They weren't in any state to help themselves but their next door neighbour saw them weeping in the front garden and made sure the GP saw them.

The 3am brain is really difficult to deal with. That filter system sounds terrible, I have spent about two hours being told computer says no over a relatively unimportant issue.
As suggested, can you try again, maybe omit the bereavement as that is simple to respond to automatically. Not simple to deal with if you're human, though.

They weren't in any state to help themselves but their next door neighbour saw them weeping in the front garden and made sure the GP saw them.

That's so lovely of the neighbour. I don't cry, I just can't usually as I stop myself. I don't show vulnerability easily but I had to stop my car yesterday when if i could turn back time came on yesterday.

oh and i am doing the online gp appointment request now without mentioning bereavement..good idea thanks.

How are you today? Time to say goodbye is my song, not in a good way!

Op please listen to me. You have been through a traumatic even, you are massively struggling. Unfortunately, this can happen some people where others cope ok. You are trying to cope with this during a lock down which is bear impossible, I know I would struggle massively to cope too. Bereavement and trauma can affect different chemical levels in your brain, this is out of your control.
Op, you need two things, I am a healthcare professional so I hope you take my advice as I know this will help.
Firstly, you need to start on a low dose anti depresssant or anti anxiety medication, it can take 4 to 6 weeks to start noticing a difference but it will completely change your life for now and help you see clearer and more positively.
Secondl, you also need a fast acting relaxant like xanax for the short term while you wait for the first medication to kick in, this will relieve your panic attacks as needed. Your doctor will give both no problem when you tell him what you need.
This is only for now, go get you through the next few weeks and months, then when restrictions have lifted you will be in a better position to seek therapy and grief counselling. Please, Op do not suffer alone any longer, reach out and take this help. Pm me any time xx

I just had a call from my GP, she was wonderful and listened even though she was calling from her home. We've worked out a way forward and even though I'm crying now it's good crying if that makes any sense, I feel so lucky to have had that chance for 20 minutes to talk about it when I haven't been able to yet.

@thesuperfluousonethat is good news.

@mortforya, that was excellent advice.

@mortforya it was, thank you.
I'm tearful and emotional now and feel quite drained but it was so good to have the chance to talk. I have emailed Cruse about support.
I'll try and dip a toe in the other threads if I can.

Talking is sometimes totally exhausting. I hope you can sleep tonight, or at least have more rest.
Have a read of threads, it might help you realise you're not alone. But don't feel you have to join in if you don't feel up to it.

I am drained. I hadn't realised that I needed to talk until tonight when the GP phoned, it was the first time I've properly been able talk because I don't have anybody IRL who I can talk to. Poor GP, I'm sure she hadn't meant to be on the phone for so long, she earned her money tonight thats for sure. I do feel bad that she listened to all of my outpouring but it has really helped. I thought that it was just something I would come to terms with and move on.

Hi thesuper, I’ve lost my mam, dad and sister and I wanted you to know there is no set expiry date on grief. Everyone processes loss in a unique way and in their own time, it sounds like you are being quite harsh on yourself but the things you’ve said imply that you’ve been strong. I’m glad you spoke to your gp and they were empathic and understanding. This thread is a few pages along now and you’ve expressed your feelings quite well but you haven’t spoken much about your dear dad, do you think you’re in the right place to tell me or anyone a bit about him? If you don’t want to it’s completely ok 👌 we could discuss anything ☺️

I don't really know where to start saying anything about him tbh, I didn't know him well in his later years and we had little in common really. I only spoke to him on the phone and he had no real idea who I was, usually he thought I was somebody else and would complain about me at length. The last time I saw him before he died he was totally disinterested in me and ignored me completely but that was his dementia.

Dementia is difficult for a person and a family, it is a long goodbye.
Are you eating OK? I found things like eating, drinking, sleeping really hard; all my energy went into getting up and going to work and trying to function there.
I hope you get a sleep tonight

I'm eating ok because it's just me and my children and I have to cook for them but sleeping is so hard. I actually slept until 4am just now which is unheard off but I don't know how I'm going to function at work as I'd kept the flood defences closed until last night, I think that might have been for the best. I work with lovely people but I am still proving myself as I am new, I only started the job just after he died. I can't afford to be this way at work.

That's really difficult for you, I found I almost had half my brain working normally,and half not working. Work was hard, just trying to think was exhausting.
What age are your kids? Do you have weekends off?

OP the GP was probably glad to help - think of all the times they see people they can't help, but this time she could help right then and there.
What @mortforya said sounded very like the treatment my friend had btw (for what that's worth) - help to sleep+ADs+(privately arranged) therapy - and that did work.

So sorry for the loss of your dad.
Three months is a very short time. And slowly losing him to dementia before that must have been very sad.