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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

I need some advise QUICKLY!

19 replies

Flip · 09/10/2004 17:04

I got a phone call about 1.30pm from one of ds1's school friends mums begging me to look after her two kids, 6 and 4 for a couple of hours.

I asked what was wrong and her stepson, 20, had taken a massive overdose and paramedics were working on him trying to revive him. The stepson lives with them and she's very close to him even though it's her partners son.

I rushed round there and the paramedics were still working on him. Everyone was distraught and the kids saw this. So I just took them back to my house. They don't know me very well, only seen me at school. It's now five o'clock and my dh took a call from her about an hour ago saying he'd died.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Obviously I don't say anything to the children but what do I do? I'm going to make tea for them and follow our house bedtime routine and get them ready to. Is that the right things to do?

I've tried to get in touch with their mum to ask her what she want's me to do, but I haven't been able to.

OP posts:

SpringChicken · 09/10/2004 17:06

Oh no flip - that is awful!

I would definitely follow the same routine you would have if the children were not there.
Are you able to get them into some PJ's or something and maybe turn it into a fun sleepover for them?
Have you got room for them to stay?

I'm sure the mum will be very very grateful for you just having them - i don't think you need to worry about steeping on her toes or anything!

fairyfly · 09/10/2004 17:06

Flip that is terrible, i have no idea what you do, just wanted to give you my support, how truly devistating. I wouldn't mention it to the kids actually, now i think, the parents i am sure will want to.

Thunderbird1 · 09/10/2004 17:08

Oh my goodness how terrible. I'd just try & keep things as 'normal' as possible for them. Following your routine sounds good. The mum will have lots of things to sort out - big hugs all round.

Dizzylizzy · 09/10/2004 17:09

Hiya Flip,

Something similar happened to me a while ago, my friends dad died and i had her ds.

I think you are doing the right thing by including them in your bedtime routine and feeding them, they will sense that something is going on at the minute and they won't be sure, but need to feel as safe and secure as possible.

As for not being able to get a hold of their mum, don't worry yet, but if it gets too late, would you be able to find somewhere for them to sleep and tell them all they are having a sleepover?

Yorkiegirl · 09/10/2004 17:09

Message withdrawn

stickynote · 09/10/2004 17:09

Definitely bundle them up in your usual routine - it'll really help their Mum knowing that she doesn't have to rush back for them IYSWIM.

So sad for all concerned .

mrsflowerpot · 09/10/2004 17:10

What an awful thing to happen.

I think you're absolutely right, get them all into the tea/bath/bedtime routine - maybe plan to keep them up a bit later than normal with your kids and watch videos or something in case their mum wants them home later?

Original poster

Flip · 09/10/2004 17:11

I have room for them to sleep here, that's not a problem. It's just very hard work with children you don't really know. I feel totally useless.

OP posts:

BadHair · 09/10/2004 17:11

I agree with Springchicken - keep the routine as normal as possible and treat it as a sleepover for them, if you're happy and able to have them.

When their mum calls tell her that you'll have them for the night as she and her dh will obviously need some time.

If they ask about their stepbrother, you could fib and stay that he's still poorly so their mum has to stay at the hospital with him.

Hope things go OK, and I'm really sorry for your friend.

pixiefish · 09/10/2004 17:11

Hi Flip- personally I'd just carry on and get the kids ready as if they're going to stay the night- she'll really appreciate it. She must trust you to do the right thing otherwise she's never have asked- commiserations to your friend

Original poster

Flip · 10/10/2004 17:13

She phoned about six thirty and said she was at home and CID were there. She asked me to bring the kids back so I did. She was a total wreck and asked me to tell the kids what had happened. So as gentle as you can I explained that the doctors hadn't been able to make him better and he'd gone to live in heaven with Jesus. The same as I told my little boy even though I don't really have any sort of faith to speak of. Neither really understood and the little boy tried to put it into context and asked if he'd be gone for a 100 days. I explained what a funeral was and that it was when they could say goodbye to him. Their son is six months older than mine but he understood less than mine did. I told my friend that when they asked where their brother was that she would have to keep saying the same thing and that he'd gone to live in heaven because they couldn't make him better.

I got the kids ready for bed and got them settled while she was on the phone. It never stopped ringing. I made a dozen cups of tea for different people and then left at about 7.30pm to let her have time with the family that had turned up.

It's been exhausting. I haven't phoned her today because I don't want to intrude. I hope that's the right thing. I've thought about sending her a text message. What do you think?

OP posts:

nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:22

oh flip just seen this so sorry u have had to go through this that poor family hugs xxxxxxxxxx

Tommy · 10/10/2004 17:30

I would ring her Flip - she may not have her mobile around - and even if you have to leave amessage just say something like "Just ringing to see how things are today. Let me know if there's anything I can do"
You've been a really supportive friend and she may well need you now because you know the whole story IYSWIM and she won't have to keep explaining it to you.
Sending hugs and lots of sympathy to all of you

Original poster

Flip · 10/10/2004 17:46

We were only out on Friday night with a couple of other mums from school and we had the time of our lives. So I've informed another of the mums what's happened so that she can be supportive to. I think I might phone her later and see if she wants me to take the kids to school.

OP posts:

edam · 10/10/2004 19:00

that's a good idea, Flip. What an awful situation. When she has time to think about anything other than her poor stepson, she'll be very glad she had a friend like you to call on.
IME when you have had a sudden death in the family you do need friends to stay in touch. Just a call to say hi, do you need me to do anything, would be really appreciated, even if they don't actually need anything at the moment or just let the answerphone get it. And like someone else said, it's really helpful if someone knows what's happened already so you don't have to explain.
Very sorry about all this.

fisil · 10/10/2004 19:20

Flip, you are wonderful. You've had an awful afternoon - but she was so lukcy to know someone like you to depend on. It sounds like you've done all the right things.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 11/10/2004 17:12

Flip, only just seen this and just wanted to say I think you've been brilliant.

NomDePlume · 11/10/2004 18:43

Flip, you've been fantastic. I've only just seen this thread and I'm so very sorry for your friend and her family, truly awful tragedy. I'm certain that your support throughout the last couple of days has meant more to her than she will ever be able to say.

Huge hugs of admiration and support.
NDP
xxx

coppertop · 11/10/2004 19:01

Flip. I've only just caught up with this thread. I think you've been the sort of friend that we would all wish for. Hugs to your friend and her family. xxx

Flip